Someone has Soiled the Air!

Embarrassing moments. You know what I’m talking about. We all have them. At one time or another, you do something that you were hoping no one saw, but you realize that 10 people saw. Yeah… you know, like when your ass cheeks decided they were hungry and wanted to eat your underwear, so they start disappearing into your ass and you try and find a discreet place to pull them out. Or you do the funny walk trying to get them to descend on their own, but usually just make yourself look like an asshole walking around with something in your ass. I don’t know if that’s happened to you…. but it’s happened to me. So, I started thinking about some embarrassing shit that has happened to me, and I figured…. eh…. at this point I have pretty much lost all my dignity and pride so why not share, and maybe you can feel better about your life.

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Back around 1992 or so, the guy I like hanging around with (aka husband) he wasn’t at the time though…. anyway, him and I were driving around in this really beat up toyota piece of crap. We came up to a 4 way stop as you do, and started making our way through it. There happened to be a gentleman that looked like he just celebrated his 105th birthday driving the other way through the same 4 way stop… but he didn’t stop! I guess his glasses weren’t working correctly that day. Needless to say, he hit us with his car. It really wasn’t that bad of an accident, but I didn’t have a seat belt on…. (it was the early 90’s and I was still an avid user of aqua net, the seat belt didn’t fit around my hair!)…. so I hit the dashboard. Β I had a few bruises, but nothing really bad. I had to see a chiropractor though. It was like a 6 month deal, and I had to go every week for adjustments. I will never forget this one particular visit though. It’s one of those visits that you never really forget. Let me set the scene for you. Β I am waiting on the chiropractic table thing that you have to wait on for the chiropractor guy to come in. He finally makes his way in, and starts doing all these adjustments to my spine. I don’t know if you have ever been adjusted by a chiropractor, but they do a lot of twisting and pulling. He lifted up one of my legs and twisted it, then cracked my spine. Then came the other leg, and while he was twisting my leg over… it happened. I farted!! Right there! It wasn’t just one of those light farts either. It was LOUD and PROUD!! Like it had been hanging around in my intestines and it was finally set free. The worst part about it was that we were pretty much face to face at this point. He just looked at me. I just looked at him. It was like a stare off. Who was going to talk first? Would you like to know what I said?… I’ll tell ya… I said “Well doc, what do you expect when your twisting me all up like that…. Stuff is going to escape!” O.O Yeah… I farted on the chiropractor.

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Since I am being open about some embarrassing moments, I have another one for you. Only this happened to the husband and not to me. But to this day…. I laugh my ass off every time I think about it. Our oldest daughter is now 22 but at the time she was barely 1 yrs. old. Some friends invited us to a play, so we said sure… we will check it out. When the play was finally over, we were walking out to the parking lot to our car, and the husband was holding the 1 yr. old. It was dark out at this point but he kept saying “I smell shit!!! I keep smelling shit!” It was so dark out by this time that we couldn’t see anything. So he sets down the 1 yr. old and starts sniffing around because he said it smelled like it was on him.

spongebob-i-smell-the-smelly-smell-

 
The husband: “I think I smell shit on my arm?”

 

 
He realized at that moment that he had shit on his arm. All over it. And because he was sniffing his arm… the shit was now on his nose.

 

 
The husband: “I think there is shit on my nose… fuck there is shit on my nose.”

 

 
Me: “Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahhaa….*cough *cough…hahahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahaha…. You need to go in the bathroom and take care of that “shit!” πŸ˜‰

 

 
The husband: “But I have to walk through all those people to get there.”

 

 
Me: “Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha hahahhahaha hahhahahahahha….”

 
So the husband had to walk back into the building and make his way through crowds of people to get to the bathroom and wash the shit off his nose. Hoping no one wants to stop and talk because there is always someone that wants to stop and talk. Good times!! Oh the embarrassing moments in life. I have lots more that I could tell you about but instead I think you should watch this video. I made it for you! PLUS….This right here is my Facebook page, and if you click on the link it will take you directly to it. when you get there, you should hit the like button and then you will have access to an unlimited stream of embarrassing shit. Sometimes just funny shit! So…you should do that after you watch my video…and then I will officially control your mind…..I’m just kidding! πŸ˜‰

 

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marsha in the D
    Sep 24, 2013 @ 10:06:54

    Well, here I am in a nice breakfast restaurant reading and laughing, reading and laughing. It was hilarious.

    Reply

  2. smallandfreckly
    Sep 24, 2013 @ 17:45:12

    Scenario 2 reminded me of a similar scenario that happened to my dad while we were perusing the boardwalk in AC one summer.

    my dad out of nowhere: SHIT!!!! ( flailing his arms at his head)
    all of us: What’s wrong?!
    dad: f*@#&#…SHIIIIIT!!
    mom: Alan, what is going on?
    DAD: That bird just SHIT ON MY HEAD!!!
    (we all now notice the bird poop in his hair that is now dripping down his face)

    My dad then proceeded to throw an adult tantrum with bird poop induced tourettes while my mom and I run to the ice cream store for napkins to help clean him off.

    That bird made my life.
    Funny blog post though, I rarely ever laugh out loud but I was crying reading this.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Sep 25, 2013 @ 09:25:54

      Oh man….I would have been dying laughing with the bird poop on the head!! Especially with the tantrum because it almost makes it funnier when they are so mad. That is one of those stories that you re-tell at Thanksgiving every year. πŸ˜‰

      Reply

  3. http://thepassionofthecriss.blogspot.com.au
    Sep 25, 2013 @ 08:23:56

    You have such a fantastic way of story telling. This had me in stitches. I did the same thing to my physio, she was pushing down so hard that she just forced that fart right out of me. I was grateful to be facing down into that little hole in the table. We both ended up laughing our heads off.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Sep 25, 2013 @ 09:29:45

      Thank you for the compliment! πŸ™‚ I actually had the same problem when I was in labor with my son. for some reason where he was pressing on in my uterus every time I had a contraction, I would just fart. I couldn’t control it either. It would just happen every contraction. The nurse kept saying…”Oh don’t worry, lots of people do that”…but I wasn’t buying it. Then I ended up pooping right there on the table so I didn’t care so much about the farting anymore. -_- oh the things we go through as woman…;)

      Reply

  4. lisaeggs
    Sep 25, 2013 @ 12:21:18

    Oh Vagina, the stories I could tell you! My dude and I cracked up reading this together, you know you have a huge fan in my husband as well. Just so you know, the only reason why we aren’t facebook lovers is that I don’t have a facebook page. The whole thing just confuses the crap out of me! I don’t even know what the heck I’m looking at on facebook! But if there was ever a person out there that made me consider figuring the whole thing out, it’s you Vagina! Don’t you just die laughing at Louis CK???? And then feel terribly shitty about laughing? HA! Loved the video, especially the bleeped out part πŸ™‚ Today I had a red bull at 10 a.m. so I feel you. Loved the wine glass on the floor too πŸ™‚ xoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Sep 25, 2013 @ 17:15:36

      I LOVE that your dude is a fan of the Vagina page. That makes him exponentially cool!! AND he is obviously cool because he likes to hang out with you…and YOu are cool! I’m a big Louis CK fan. He cracks me up. I understand what you mean about the facebook thing. My guy refuses to have one. I really only use the one that goes with this page. I opened up a Twitter because I was told it would get me more readers and I have NO friggin clue how to use it. I have one, but I have never actually been on it. I am really lame when it comes to social media and actually understanding it!

      Reply

  5. lisaeggs
    Sep 25, 2013 @ 12:25:24

    P.S. I forgot to give your kitchen a big shout out for it’s spotlessness! WOW Vagina, you run a tight ship, I’m going to aspire to that, starting tomorrow. xoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Sep 25, 2013 @ 17:16:40

      I appreciate that but to tell you the truth it is usually trashed. πŸ˜‰ I cleaned it up for the video. haha I figured I needed room to trash it some more.

      Reply

  6. Laura Lynn
    Sep 26, 2013 @ 00:52:26

    There was this one time I forgot about the bag of dog shit I was carrying. Fucking dogs…good thing they are so funny. Anyway, I was carrying Otis’s dog shit in a nice little bag looking out for a garbage can and who do I see coming but someone I fancy. I don’t want to be seen with a bag o shit so I quickly whip it into my purse, just for a moment, ya know. And I forgot it. Until I got to the bakery a few hours later. THEN I remembered it. I remembered twirling my purse around. I remembered tossing a 1000 page tome in there. Putting a pointy set of keys in about 60 times. Oh I remembered alright. Cuz it was all over my WALLET. Unfortunately I had already pulled it out. It was on my hands. It was stinking the place up. I got looks. I mean real shitty looks. No coffee and cheese danish for me. fucking dogs…

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Sep 26, 2013 @ 10:17:16

      Oh my gosh…your story has me crying!! HILARIOUS!!! I am certain i would have ended up doing the exact same thing, and not remember until the stench was completely filling the air.

      Reply

  7. ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni)
    Sep 28, 2013 @ 08:13:14

    And THAT my fine venereal friend, is why we keep baby wipes EVERYWHERE.
    They are my everything. My rug, my kids and my furniture, my kitchen floor and counters, they would never get wiped down if it weren’t for the handy dandy box that dispenses moist cloths.

    Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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