Recipes for the Seriously Shitty cook!

Let me start this by saying I suck at things. Not everything….but when it comes to making people food…I really, really suck! Like, immensely suck. I am not good at the whole…making dinner and sitting at the table to have a wonderful sit down, “thing.” I have read blogs, and articles upon articles of  how to become more organized and have structure. I lack structure at an extreme level. I am the first to admit that I have this issue. I go through periods of trying to be more structured and have meal times and bed times and all of that crap…I am just not good at it. Listen, we all have our things, right? Well, maybe not…it could just be me. When my kids are hungry, I feed them. When they are tired , they lay down. I’m just not good at designated times for things. I do not let my kids eat ice cream for breakfast….although I wrote a whole post about my sucky breakfast making skills and you can read that HERE: I am not so sure that eating ice cream for breakfast is really any different than having chocolate milk for breakfast. I used to read Martha Stewart blogs and try so hard to achieve that bullshit. It’s just not who I am. I am really good at hugging and snuggling my kids. Tickling my kids and reading to them. I just am not good at having schedules for every damn thing they do. I also am not good at dusting. Which is why I refuse to have nick knacks floating around my house…because I friggin hate dusting and I am not going to spend my life dusting some shelf full of unicorns and butterflies. My decor is more reminiscent of a day care center sadly. The only pictures on my walls are usually put up with tape, and remain at the mid level of the entire house. It works for me because another thing I really suck at is hanging pictures. I have all the intentions in the world to do it…but it just never happens. So I was thinking about how you can find a shit load of recipes on line and in books for mom’s that don’t have time, or that aren’t that great in the kitchen. But can you find recipes that are realistic. I mean…for the really shitty cook. Like I am talking….Super shitty cook here!!! That is me! I’ve never actually read an entire recipe all the way through. I usually get bored about half way through it and when it starts having things like all spice and turmeric, then I lose interest. So I have a compilation of some ideas here for the really, super shitty cook:

First of all let’s talk about staples. They are a must for the super crappy cook. There are certain things you must always have on hand. Always have the Gigantor Costco container of Pop tarts. There is no way you can get through a week without this staple. There are those days when the kids are like…” I’m hungry”…and you just got out of bed, walk to the kitchen to realize that some schmo forgot to pick up coffee at the store even though you called them and texted them 5 times that they needed to pick up coffee but did they remember?….NO! Well, the only option you have at this point just to make it through the morning is to pull out the gigantor box of pop tarts. They may not get them toasted though. Come on, don’t judge me….we are talking NO coffee here!

gigantor2

Another staple to always have on hand is Hot Pockets…also known as Diarrhea Pockets. Listen…I am NOT an advocate of these nasty things…but sometimes…it just has to be. Just make sure you are near a toilet when you ingest this product. Trust me…

toilet-sign

Okay here is a few go to recipes that I use because I can NOT cook to save my life. In other words….if I ever get lost out in the woods…I am bear food!!

So we have Cereal and Milk: You really want 60% cereal to 40% milk because if you do the 50% cereal and 50% milk…you will surely end up with too much milk at the end and then you have the choice of having to get up to go and get more cereal (unless you thought ahead and brought the box with you)…or you drink the milk straight out of the bowl. It’s just easier to get it right the first time and do the 60/40. It works out to be 100% goodness in the end.

cereal

Again another staple that is really good to have around is the gigantor costco box of oatmeal. It has lots of different flavors to choose from. Kids are hungry….you actually have some coffee so your day is going pretty good, you figure you could get out the apron this morning and go for the Big Box of oatmeal. You add some water…pop that shit in the micro, and set it for 2 minutes. When it beeps….you have yourself a full fledged meal! The best part about it is..why just have apples and cinnamon when you can add in some maple brown sugar to the mix and have a party in your tummy!

oatmeal

There is always the traditional Peanut butter and Jelly, but on occasion, I like to get a little crazy with it and put in some bananas. Now you added some fruit and that shit just got bumped up to healthy! woop.

peanut_butter_and_jelly_sandwich

I always have graham crackers laying around somewhere, and for some reason marshmallows always end up in my cupboard too. You better believe on any occasion you could find chocolate in my house. You might find it stashed in some strange places…but you will always find it. Maybe hiding on the bottom of my junk drawer, or in the back of my sock drawer, ..or possibly between my mattress, or even under my bed to name a few. We also have that stash in the medicine cabinet, oh and that corner right under the stairs that no one ever notices, plus…um….the husbands underwear drawer. Listen…before you judge me, NO ONE is going in his underwear drawer so that is where the condoms hang out, and my extra stash of chocolate! Anyway… I am sure you all can figure out that these ingredients come together to form Heaven on Earth!!! That’s right….Smores bitches!! You got some smores with this! Seriously….just eat this how ever you want because it doesn’t even matter. Some people feel like you have to heat up the marshmallow and put it all in a neat little sandwich. I am more of a just eat it right out of the bag kind of girl.

smores

Another staple I usually keep around is cheese. This is basically because the dude I am married to will eat cheese IN and/ or ON anything. No exaggeration with this. The husband will take a hunk of cheese, slap a piece of bread around it…and eat it. That’s it….no sauce added, no lettuce put in…Just a hunk of cheese. He will put a hunk of cheese on bread, on spaghetti, on any tortilla, on a pop tart, on a cracker, on a bowl of rice, on a bowl of anything, on…okay, you get the idea. It doesn’t matter what this dude is eating…it has a hunk of cheese sitting right on the top of it.

These next recipes are really ridiculous. More for the “Daring Foodie” types in your life. You always have those people that love the sweet and salty mixture, right? So I thought of this one all on my own. You heat up your hot dogs….and throw some chocolate sauce right over the top. Now you have your dinner AND dessert all in one, and you get your sweet and salty fix. It sounds nasty… but you never know until you try. I haven’t tried this exact mixture myself…but I would. Due to it involving chocolate. I do not enjoy hot dogs….but throw some chocolate on that bitch and I AM IN!!

hotdog

This one is actually really really good, and I learned it from my 8 yr. old. He was taking a class at his school all about nutrition which ultimately made him realize how sucky I seriously am at cooking….but anyway, he was bringing home these recipes that even I could do. This one has literally 2 ingredients and is friggin delicious. You take 1 container of vanilla yogurt, and add in one cup of peanut butter. Mix it up and go to town on that shit. Dip anything you want in it. Veggies, fruit, chicken, ham, friggin bacon even. It really is good and pretty much idiot proof.

yummy

So I hope you enjoyed the recipes, and maybe found something you can use or that will benefit you. Yeah…I realize that is ridiculous…but I hope it was fun to read anyway. At least you know that without a doubt…YOU are a much better cook than I am! I may not be able to cook, but I can do the running man like nobody has ever seen before. I own that shit!!!

the-running-man-dance

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Criss
    Jun 21, 2013 @ 20:14:01

    You sound just like a NORMAL busy MUMMY! lol
    I cook because I have to feed the kids, or I just wouldn’t really bother. I have to be in the mood to cook, and when such mood kick in, and I am left alone, I have been known to make really yummy things. Sometimes we know what that are, sometimes it gets labled “Mummy’s surprise” That’s when I screw up, try and fix it, and presto looks like something bad, but really tastes good. (Oh and I can never repeat those! lol)

    We always have cereal,milk, bread, chocolate, chicken nuggets, pasta, and mince meat on hand.

    I have a really lazy meal that I do when well I couldn’t be arsed really. I call it poor man’s roast.

    Oven flat tray lined with baking paper. I LOVE backing paper, as I HATE washing dishes as much as I hate cleaning the BATHROOM. Another story there.

    Slap on trap a frozen large packet of mince beef. (enough mince to feed your size family) Season it as you wish. Add chopped spuds around it, and whatever you like. Sweet potato, onions, pumpkin, really whatever bakes well.

    Season them too with whatever you like. Add some oil over the top, and throw that into the oven. Cook for 1 hour, then turn it all around and cook it for another hour.

    While cooking, have a coffee, read someone’s blog, go on face book, take a bath!

    You know it’s cooked when the meat is no longer pink inside.

    Tastes really good actually. Like an oven beef burger.

    You can throw a salad on the side if you feel like it. Or a fried egg?

    It is 1 pan, no washing up, and family proof.

    And as for dusting……………………………….life is way too short.

    Your kids will not remember you by how much you kept house..they will always remember those hugs, and stories, and giggles, and LOVE.

    You LOVE your kids. You LOVE your man. That makes you an AWESOME WIFE and MOTHER! Carry on………you are doing GREAT!

    ps: Martha Stewart needs a good man between her thighs!

    HAVE A HAPPY DAY

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 23, 2013 @ 10:52:04

      Criss—I am dying laughing at “Martha Stewart needs a good man between her thighs!” So funny, and so true….or at least something with batteries. hahaha. That recipe sounds really good. I started getting hungry just reading it. Thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. And thanks for always reading and commenting. I LOVE your comments. 🙂

      Reply

  2. lisaeggs
    Jun 21, 2013 @ 20:51:08

    HEATHER, I love ya! We must never get together and cook because we would probably rip a hole through time and space, I am equally as bad!!!! Tonight I made one of my better meals entitled “Turkey Rice Peas”. Turkey Rice Peas is a dish that consists of ground turkey, yellow rice and frozen peas all cooked up and mixed together. When I serve that people up in here get excited because that’s pretty much the best I can do. The crazy thing is my husband is turning out to be a really good cook, like the actual good kind of cook. He decided he wants to make salmon (this happened last week) so he went and got some salmon, read some shit, and cooked it. And it was darn good! You better believe that if I followed the exact same plan mine would be unrecognizable. I love the running man!!! Cracks me up every time!!! Great post (I’m working my way through your older posts and having a ball!)!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 23, 2013 @ 10:56:43

      lisaeggs, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your comment! I am POSITIVE my husband would be a better cook than me…it’s just getting him to do it that is the problem! 😉 That “turkey rice peas” sounds awesome. Super easy….even for me….maybe…;/ I am so glad your here, and thanks for commenting! 🙂 If we ever get together we will just forget the cooking and plan on doing some SERIOUS running man.

      Reply

  3. Yolanda Celi
    Jun 23, 2013 @ 11:33:39

    I’ve seen a reality show before where they try to teach people who can’t cook how to cook. Maybe you should be on that show? Maybe that cooking show that peeked at your blog is looking for candidates?? Can you at least boil eggs? 😀

    Reply

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