My Husband is a Whore…just a whore

Speed 2: Cruise Control Original Motion Pictur...

My husband is a whore …Just not the kind you think. I call myself a facebook whore…and I openly accept that title. My husband on the other hand, is not on facebook, but a whore none the less. He is what is called a cruise control whore. I know you might be thinking right now….what is a cruise control whore? Well, let me tell you. A cruise control whore is a person that is so dependent on using the cruise control capability in their car, that they have officially forgotten how to actually drive on their own. They now NEED that extra support of the car mechanism helping them along! This is the husband. But the problem goes even deeper than that. EVERY single time we go anywhere…and I mean anywhere, he can’t help himself. He immediately goes straight for that button. It’s like it calls to him. Even if it is just 3 miles down the road, he has to hit the button. I have actually tested him before to see how long he can go without hitting the button….he hasn’t made it past 2 1/2 minutes yet. It’s like his addiction. It’s not just about the push of that button though, it’s like a whole mindset thing for him. Here we are going along the freeway, minding our own business…of course cruising along…with the cruise control, and here comes a car on the left side that looks like it might be passing, but it never actually passes. Instead deciding to drive exactly next to us…like twinsies going the same speed. So if anyone wants to pass, they are basically screwed because we now have a road block sort of thing happening all while still driving. Instead of just stepping on the brakes a little to slow down so as to let said car drive past, the husband decides to freak the frick out! It usually goes something like this..

“Are you Fucking kidding me?….Look at this mother fucker sitting here on my side…who the fuck does he even think he is?….Fucking bullshit mother fucker piece of..”

okay….you get the idea….and just for reference..NO the kids are not in the car when he is doing the freak the frick out. We make an effort to not talk that way in front of the little people, but get us alone in the car and all bets are off! The words start flying!! We have to let it out sometimes.

Then I will usually say something along the lines of…”Well, why don’t you just step on the brakes and he will peacefully move past.”

The husband.. “because then I have to stop my cruise control. I’m on cruise control dammit!”

Me, “Well….look at it this way, you can always just re-hit that button….ya know…after he is past”

…I do not understand why re-hitting the button is such a thing for him, but it totally is. I guess he assumes that they should already know that he has cruise control on, and they should drive accordingly with the speed that he has chosen….dammit!!! … So instead of slowing down a bit, he will continue on driving twinsies with some dude, cussing him out the whole way, and a butt load of pissed off drivers behind us that can’t get past. What started out as an innocent trip to town has now become some friggin jousting battle used with cars instead of horses and lance poles! And no one is backing down. It’s like if the husband actually steps on the brakes to slow a bit, then he will forever be deemed as cowardly and unworthy! All of a sudden it becomes all “gladiator” up in here…and the most noble of perfect driving speeds will prevail!! I don’t know….all I know is that the husband is a great guy in many ways, and he does a lot of wonderful things, but he is straight up a whore!! Just a whore…

 

 

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sean gray
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 07:40:14

    cruise is for the lazy and I am also guilty.

    Reply

  2. List of X
    Apr 06, 2013 @ 22:19:21

    I can’t blame your husband. I’m a cruise control whore myself – you can’t go too slow, don’t speed too much, and the feet don’t get tired. Too bad where and when I drive I don’t get to use it so much.

    Reply

  3. Trackback: WHORE – You Don’t Know Me… | Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind
  4. Fearless Leader
    Nov 21, 2014 @ 10:56:57

    My name is Toby…and I am a Cruise Control Whore. For more than 40 years I have been a Strict Speed Limit Slut. Enter the Demon,,,Cruise Control.

    It all started when Cruise Control became readily available in the 1970s…..

    Reply

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