To douche or Not to douche…that is the question

10 things you might be doing that makes you a douche, and if you are doing them…you should stop right now! So you will not be a douche anymore. I realize that everyone has douchie tendencies. I have been known to be very douchie on many occasions, but I really do try and make a conscience effort to be less of a douche…if possible. It’s not always possible and I understand that. There are some situations that call for absolute douche-ness and at extreme levels. I mean, walking through Walmart, there is no way not to be a douche bag. That place sucks ass in every possible way. If you went into Walmart with full intent to be a nice person, trust me…by the time you leave, you will have transformed into a bonafide douche bag. Anywho…I get it, I really do. Sometimes you just have to be assy and douchie, and shitty, and bitchy, but there are times when I am just going along with my day, minding my own business, and BOOM…I come face to face with Mister Douche-Nougat himself, and it always turns my day into shit. So why not smile at someone instead, or just be a douche bag…whatever. Anyway…Most likely if you have done or are doing any of these things, you are being a douche! So stop it!!!!


1.  Your driving through the parking lot looking for a place, you see about 5 open spots and figure this is good, no one next to me and I can get in and out quickly! Literally the second you pull in, mister douche-mobile parks 2 inches from your door. Now mind you, there is 5 open spots next to you. 5 open spots!!!!! And douche-mobile chooses 2 inches from your door. Thanks douche.



2. The kids are at grandma’s house. You are smack dab in the middle of a Doctor Who marathon,( Yes..I am a nerd) and you made homemade margaritas for the event! You realize that you have everything you need but the margarita mix. So off to the store you go. Now because you know exactly where the margarita mix is, this trip is literally going to take 3 minutes tops. You fly to the aisle you need, grab the mix, conveniently passing some ding dongs and grabbing a box because seriously, ding dongs go amazingly well with margaritas! Anyway…off to find an open cashier and there are 5 million people in every single line.  EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!! So you see the sign open on the 10 items or less, and you head over with your margarita mix and ding dongs, and Douchie McDoucherton cuts you off with their overflowing cart that has about 3 billion tons of shit in it. Um…excuse me….that is more than 10 items douche head!!!!!




3. I just finished cleaning my house. It is so sparkly and shiny. I just want to roll around on the nice clean floor that has NO legos on it. Breathe the clean into my lungs….and all of sudden “ding dong”…and that is not the good kind of ding dongs my friends! It is more like the ring of death. You tip toe over to the door to see who it is, and realize they are all watching you through the window that you left open.(dammit)..It is sweet wonderful friends and all 5 of their kids! But they never called. Why??? Because they NEVER DO!!!! I love them with all my heart…but fucking pick up the phone and give me a warning. Something…anything…a friggin SOS sign or a smoke signal. I could have been naked on my couch eating a tub of frosting! So here is my beautiful friends, with their 5 kids that come in screaming at the top of their lungs looking for my crew of kids and then they all meet up right in the middle of the house and destroy the fuck out of it! And I am not even getting into the toilets at this point….I love you my friend…(super douchie move though) A clean house is OFF limits to visitors that don’t call first.



4.  I know I am going to get some people in a flurry with this one, but it just has to be said. I live in Montana. I LOVE Montana! It’s beautiful, and there is lots of nature around to admire. The thing is, deer in Montana are pretty much like rats in New York City. They are EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t matter what road you are driving on, you will see a deer. Here you are driving along the road, minding your own damn business, trying to get home because frankly you are sick of being in the car and you want to get home, but you can’t because all of a sudden the douche hat in front of you screeches on their brakes which causes you to screech on your brakes and every other car behind you now has to screech on their brakes because a fucking “majestic” deer was about 500 yards out in the middle of some friggin field. They are now rolling down their window and pulling out binoculars! Side note: Who drives around with binoculars at all times in your possession unless you are stalking someone?! Anyway… “Oh my’s a deer, so we need to cause a traffic jam and make all these people see the stupid ass deer even though 3 deer just ran in front of my car and almost caused me to wreck about 3 miles back.” But yeah…I’ll sit here and wait for you to look at the mountain rat and watch it eat grass for 10 minutes!!! Put your douche hat back on….get in your car, and drive away my friend….just drive away…..



5. Okay..this one is something my husband does….a lot!! I wrote a whole post about how much this annoys me when he does it…you can read that here :  When your driving along and the guy in front of you is going really, really slow and you have somewhere to be because you have this thing called a life, and you don’t want to spend it tooling along the road looking at the stupid deer, so you decide to pass the slow driver, but you can’t. Why you ask?…Because there is a douche wad from douche town driving like twinsies with the slow guy, but he is in the fast lane…also known as the “passing lane!” Really dude????….There is a reason they call that the passing lane…or fast lane….because you are suppose to go fast in it…or move the fuck out of the way so people can pass your slow ass!! But no….we got twinsies, side by side, let’s drive together crap going on. It drives me nuts when my husband does this. If he is using cruise control, nothing will get him to stop! I mean nothing! He will literally go side by side for miles to keep from stopping his cruise control. It’s an addiction..I’m sure of it. Anyway….It’s a douchie move and if you do that…you shouldn’t. Because then someone somewhere will be surely calling you a douche! 



6. This one is not as huge as some of the other ones, but it still is pretty douchie when someone does it. You know when you are walking right behind someone, and you both are walking into a building and yet they go in first and let the door shut directly in your face. No acknowledgment, no caring in the world…just lets the door hit you smack dab in your face. And you only realize at the last second that they are pulling the douche move and so you don’t really have time to catch the door before it hits you. You try and grab it and almost always either get your hand smooshed, or some part of your body gets hit in this process. Let’s not even talk about how dumb you probably looked to anyone who was watching. Hey…thanks douche face….for the door slam when you damn well knew I was right behind you!! Listen…I understand when you get stuck holding a door open and 5 million people all start running through it at once and not ONE person takes it from you that sometimes, you need to pull out drastic measures and just let the damn thing go. I get it! But if it’s one guy and they know you are behind them…is it going to kill them to hold it open for what will probably take 2 seconds of time out of their very busy douchie life?



7. “You look really thin today.” O.O ” So how many months pregnant are you?” O.O ” That’s how you got your haircut?” O.O  ” WOW…you look really tired .” O.O  “I can see how someone like you would think that.” O.O “You look really nice in this lighting.” O.O “You have such a pretty face.” O.O  These are those beautiful back handed compliments that I know we have all been the wonderful recipients of. By now everyone should know that if you do not know if someone is pregnant or not…DON’T ASK!! It’s just douchie! 



8. Okay…let me start this one by saying I love electronics as much as the next guy…but these people that buy the newest, fanciest electronic gadget out on the market and feel the need to shove this thing in your face for 20 minutes really needs to take a class in non doucherie. You know who you are. Last week you had the Ipod 5 thousand, but this week they just came out with the shiny new Ipod 5 million and you were the first one in line at Best Buy to get it. You set up a tent and slept there for 3 days, pissing in a bucket but you got it! Now you feel the need to show this thing off to every damn person that you come in contact with. The thing is…most people don’t care, and if they are anything like me, probably about 60% don’t even understand what you are showing them. But now we have to sit there for 20 minutes while you show off your Ipod 5 million that not only does awesome tricks, but can make you breakfast too. COOL…not! It’s a douche move… Plus you can never give me back that 20 minutes and usually your breath stinks and you happen to be a close talker! Just saying…



9. This one is a big one for me because for some reason, I seem to attract these people and they drive me NUTS!! Listen…first of all, I am a mom and I completely understand being proud of your kid. Be Proud! Be so happy about your kid’s accomplishments. You absolutely should. And you should share it too. Where it becomes an issue is when you feel the need to tell everyone else how much better YOUR kid is than everyone else’s. I promise you with every inch of my soul that NO ONE thinks someone else’s kid is better than their own kid. It’s just not going to happen. You can sit there and go on and on about how smart, and beautiful, and brilliant, and talented your kid is, and I can guarantee that 99 % of the people that you are bragging to are rolling their eyes inside of their head. No one ever thinks to themselves….Wow, I am so glad she told me how much smarter her kid is than everyone else’s because now I can have a full and complete life, and my kid is so dumb in comparison to hers. I truly believe when someone has talent, they don’t need anyone to brag on them anyway. Talent shows on it’s own. No need to sit there and try and get every person to believe that your kid is more talented than everyone else’s. It just makes people think you are a Massive douche who heads up the douche committee in douche land. Hey bragger Moms… instead of trying to make everyone actually think your kid is best, why not tell your kid they are the best! They are the ones that need to hear it….not anyone else.



10. Well…here we are! The number 10 Super Douchie, DouchMcDoucherton, Douche Mack Daddy move that anyone can pull! You meet a super cute guy, you think he is hot, and he is really nice and buys you all kinds of shit you don’t need, and he tells you how pretty you are all the time, and he basically captures your heart. So you marry him, pop out 4 kids, and one day, long after you have said “I Do”, he comes home with a piece of crap DOUCHE Dog that scrapes it’s ass ALL over your brand new carpet, and pukes on your brand new carpet, and pees on your brand new carpet, and annoys the ever loving life out of you. You know what…..that is a Mack Daddy Douche move and you should Never ever do it! Serioulsy…if you’re a guy, and you value your balls…DO NOT bring home a douchie Dog! Or any dog for that matter….on a side note… (I am not bitter)…



So I hope I helped in the ongoing battle against Doucherie. I know we may never actually rid the world of full on Doucheness, but I think we have taken a step towards a positive change! Just by following some simple rules, we could all be living in a douche free environment. (not likely though)


17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: To douche or Not to douche…that is the question | Caffeine Jitters
  2. dribbles and grits
    Jun 14, 2013 @ 12:43:10

    Love it.

    I do want to point out to bragging moms, (not to the blogger, but the bragging moms) my friends kid (not even my kid, my friend’s kid) is ONE of the best in the area in sports. All sports. Not just your kid’s sport, but all sports. This is the kid Bragging Moms from the opposing team call the schools on for playing basketball at the wrong place to get him disqualified for playing in a tournament so they have a chance at winning. We don’t tell him he’s the best, or that he is even good. He already thinks that without anyone telling him that and it makes him an a-hole, so we are always telling him his sports don’t matter if he can’t play because his GPA sucks. My friend is also very sick of people telling her how good her son is at things, and she’s definitely sick of people complaining their kid doesn’t get play time because of her son. Seriously, at what point do you grown ups stop at acting like children?

    Now we all moms like to brag about our kids. My tip for it, for every good quality, throw in a bad one, humble yourself, or at least make it funny. Example: “My kid is really good at sports, though with his GPA, that really won’t matter much.” Or in my case, “My 3 year old is a sociopathic genius, like she just got yelled at by dad for jumping on the bed so she came up to me, mom, and asked if she can do a cartwheel and I was like sure. The part she left out was she was going to do the cartwheel on her bed. Little snot outsmarts me every time.”

    The funny part is, bragging moms don’t really bother me too much. I just ignore them and start analyzing something in the background like the social activity of the birds, or making pictures out of the cracks in the walls.

    The one that ticks me off the most is the passing lane one, and I too am guilty of the cruise control addiction issue. Here’s the tip for the hubs. If you speed up, you don’t turn off cruise control. Speed up 5 miles per hour at least, pass the slowpoke, get back over and then remove foot from gas and car will slow down to cruise controlled speed. And he can’t complain about the annoyance of it because I sit Indian Style when cruise is on and I manage to make the hike. You know what’s more addicting than the cruise control? Passing people. I cringe every time someone passes me. It’s a hard knock life like that.

    Sorry I wrote a blog post in your blog as a comment.


    • Vagina
      Jun 14, 2013 @ 12:58:17

      Wow! and yes…I agree. I also like the idea of throwing in a bad quality with a good one because it actually makes it more relatable to others. We should be more honest as mom’s because you never know who you might have helped just by actually putting out some realness. I think as mom’s we should be able to brag a little on our kids, but just as you said…when there is talent…people see it without the bragging. They see it because it’s really there. I really become more frustrated with the ones that go on and on about how their kid just painted a picture that looks exactly like Van Gough’s starry night, and yet you just saw them pick their nose and wipe it on your couch. :/ Not to say that they are not talented! …but let’s just be real about it ya know. Thank you so much for your comment. You can leave a blog post on my blog posts anytime! 🙂


  3. Fresh Ginger
    Jun 14, 2013 @ 16:07:21

    Yes! Just the other day I told my husband that I was going to throat punch the next mother fucker that just shows up uninvited to our house. Hard. Who the fuck does that???? My husband’s friends, that’s who.


  4. lisaeggs
    Jun 14, 2013 @ 16:40:47

    I love your blog and I love this post! You are making me laugh out loud! Yes please let me roll around on my lego-less carpet in peace, it’s such a rarity these days. And my husband is also guilty of #5. #8 brings to mind the good old days of the X-Files when Molder would pull out a state-of-the-art FBI cell phone and it was as big as a brick and he had to pull up the antenna, and we were all like “oooooooohhh!”. And can I be so bold as to add my own personal take on douche-ness? I have a neighbor who is a spry 70-year old retired fella and from March to November this man cuts his grass ON THE DAILY, usually at 7 in the morning on a frickin Saturday or when my 7 month old is going down for a nap. DUDE! Grass does NOT grow that fast! And his wife is always asking us to cut our grass and trim our hedges! HA! Sorry, we have 3 kids so you’re lucky to get the once-a-week grass trim! Heather, your sense of humor is the raddest, I dig this whole vagina party, it’s totally real and it’s completely cracking me up! You have a way with words! xo


    • Vagina
      Jun 14, 2013 @ 17:38:22

      Oh Thank you so so much for your comment! and I ABSOLUTELY agree with your added douch-ness! I have the same problem. My retired 70 something neighbor used to comment on how the grass was never mowed enough and always made sure to let me know when we were late on getting our registration tags for our cars. There have been times when the registration on our cars were late by a few weeks…or maybe a few months…:/ but there was that whole pesky house payment that had to come first. Sometimes this happens, and the guy would make sure and point out to me that it is now “march” and they were due in “January.” O.O Does he really think I don’t know??… Anyway…thank you so much for your comment. I am so glad you are here!! 🙂


  5. TJ
    Jun 14, 2013 @ 17:27:50

    A good, comprehensive list of downright doucheness here. One thing I disagree with you on – letting the door slam in someone’s face is major douchery in my opinion!


  6. Laura
    Jun 14, 2013 @ 19:20:03

    Don’t forget the personal bubble-invading douche. You know, that asshole that thinks they have to stand six inches behind you in line? Yeah, makes me want to have a spasm in my arm and backhand the jerk. Love your blog, brings a giggle just when I need it.


    • Vagina
      Jun 14, 2013 @ 19:55:01

      Ha YES!!! I too have had the personal-bubble invading douche behind me! Next time you should just “accidentally” have the spasm and then just say something like ” woops….sorry about that! I have a condition. It usually acts up when people are trying to climb in my asshole!” ~ Thanks for your comment. Hilarious!!!


  7. Yolanda Celi
    Jun 15, 2013 @ 16:24:04

    Great post list Heather! Number 5 is my fave. And 8 and 9 are second and third. iPod 5 million buwahahahahahahaha!


  8. Criss
    Jun 15, 2013 @ 21:27:26

    Oh my I can so relate to 1..3…5…7..8…and 9!!!!! The clean house one is a close one to my heart! LOL Thanks for the giggles.


  9. apleasanthouse
    Jun 17, 2013 @ 15:32:49

    You know what I like about you? Every frickin’ thing Vagina! I say we start a program by which we identify, mark (Scarlett letter type), vaccinate, sterilize, and incarcerate all egregious offenders of this syndrome. We could call it douchebagitis.


    • Vagina
      Jun 18, 2013 @ 22:46:30

      I LOVE that idea!!!! I am on board. I know WAY too many people with douchebagitis. It’s definitely a disease. Thanks for reading! I love your comments. 🙂


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