My mom is a Whore too ~ Ooops, I said whore again…

My mom is a thrift shop whore! Okay…I am going to start this by saying don’t FREAK the frick out that I just wrote about my mom being a whore. I can promise you it does not bother her, so you should not let it bother you. This is how our relationship is. We call each other whores and sluts, and things of that nature. We have always bantered this way and none of it is at all serious. We are not sitting in the middle of walmart screaming at each other from across the tub of cheeseballs saying “Hey you fucking bitch…you forgot the fucking tub of cheeseballs again!! Why do you have to be a whore and always forget the cheeseballs!” Yeah…not happening. We joke with each other, flip each other off, call each other sluts…and it’s all in jest, friends. My mom and I are great friends and have fun together and always joke around. I actually like to talk about blow jobs and orgasms in front of her because, even after all these years, she still gets all flustered and says, “I don’t do those things! I don’t even know what you’re talking about!” Yeah right mom…that’s why you have 4 kids from a bunch of different dudes…which by the way, makes you slut! Aw…I did it now! 😉 She would probably shoot me some look like this

benedict

and then say….”Fucking bitch!”..  and then I would probably give her this look..
morir0


and then for certain she would look at me like this
bened

Then I would give her this look
mori

and then everything would be good. 🙂  Most people say I love you…we just call each other sluts. Anyway…. the reason for this post is that I have decided to bust my mom on her thrift shop whore ways. I love this woman so damn much, but in reality…we tend to be opposites on many things in life. I am super OCD and she is just NOT! That’s it in a nutshell. I grew up with a hippie mom that didn’t care if we ran around outside naked and slept with the dogs, and lived on a camp ground. This is probably a lot of the reason I hate camping so much. I spent most of my childhood doing it. I don’t care what anybody says, it is NOT fun shitting in the woods and not having a decent place to wash your hands. All I keep thinking at this point is …okay….the person making the burgers right now never washed their hands, and I saw them walking off with their little piece of toilet paper and heading into the woods. …And on a side note,- how are you going to know in advance how much toilet paper you will need??…Take the damn roll….don’t even try and guess that situation out.- Anyway…so there they are, making burger patties with the same hands that they used to wipe their ass, and I KNOW they did not wash. NOPE!! Not going to happen. Those burgers are not passing these lips!!! NO fucking way!! Plus…why the hell do people think it is fun sitting in the dirt on a 100 degree day swatting at flies and mosquitoes? This is not fun to me. I could be doing so much more with my life. I took one of those facebook quizzes about what kind of tent I should use when camping…and I got  the Holiday Inn! Yep…that sums it up. okay…I digress… So back to my momma… This woman was a bonafide hippie when I was growing up. Jesus sandals and everything. I was never allowed to play with barbies because she worried that it would affect my self esteem. The sad thing is even not being allowed to play with barbies…I still grew up with major self esteem problems. That is more due to the fact that I live in America. These days though….my mom is not as much of a hippie, but we definitely have different approaches to the way we do things. She is always pretty laid back and doesn’t get freaked out about things. Like public toilets don’t bother her, (she may even be one of those folks that shower in them.) 😉  and the dog drinking out of her coffee cup, she could really not give a crap about. She will share her ice cream cone with the dog and not think two thoughts about it. I, on the other hand, will not pet the dog and pick up food without washing my hands first.  Have you seen what dogs do? Do you know what dog’s eat? (like their own poop) Yeah not happening….That dog tongue is not going anywhere near my ice cream cone. I know a lot of people are advocates of having a dog to clean up the floor after the kids have made a big food mess, and my mom is one of those folks. For me though….a dog tongue licking crap off the floor just doesn’t give me that fresh feeling like a good old mop does. So, my mom is a thrift shop ADDICT! I mean super, super addict. She loves those things. I actually do not think she even shops in regular stores anymore. Oh geez, when the macklemore thrift shop came out….She was CERTAIN they made that song for her. She is the epitome of that song, and seeing her rock out to it is something everyone should be able to witness. It’s pretty freaking adorable!! Anyway….she loves those things. Needless to say…I’m not a huge fan of thrift shops. Listen…I think they are great, but I am more the queen of sales racks. I hit sales like a whore needing a good night because she is going on vacation in a week. Oh…bad analogy! I am absolutely a sales rack whore!!! I bought a pair of jeans at Old Navy for a dollar.  I am not kidding you on this…Absolutely true story: A friggin dollar bought me a pair of jeans on the sales rack at Old Navy. You can find some seriously amazing deals on sales racks if you do it the right way. It’s all about shopping when the new season of crap comes in, and they are trying to get rid of the old crap…and you find yourself getting some great deals. My mom still does not give a hoot about these deals. She wants the thrift shop!!! That’s it.  The best gift I could ever give my mom would be a 100 dollar gift card to Goodwill. The thing is….she buys me shit from these places too….and although I find it very sweet of her to think of me, I have concerns over the pink eye mascara, and herpes lipstick she just bought me. Yep…you read that right..nope, it’s not a typo…My mom buys makeup from these joints. She LOVES it. She will say… “Oh I got the best deal on some makeup today.” My response is “That’s great mom…but after the doctor bills from your pink eye and herpes, wouldn’t it have been easier to just go to target and buy the shit?” Nah…she is all good. Now I can assure you she has never bought underwear from a thrift shop….(I think)….but my question is, why are they selling underwear in thrift shops? My mom has a very impressive shoe collection, and most of these finds came from thrift shops. I’m not going to lie….she has found some amazing shoes in these places. I have borrowed them from her, and I have to admit she found some great deals. But really the only thing you can catch from shoes is foot fungus…which sucks, but at least it’s only on your foot and not somewhere near your face or your under carriage.  My thing is that you may see something that looks great, and you are like…” yeah….score”..but you have NO idea what went down when someone was wearing those pants, or dress. Have we all forgotten so quickly about what happened with president Clinton and the blue dress! I don’t give a friggin crap whose “sploog” it is…I’m not wearing something that is stained with someones sex juices. Even if it is the president! But…I digress…again…When it comes down to it, my mom is this adorably, HOT lady and I can only hope and pray that I look like her and become half the beautiful woman she is. We are very different, and believe me…we have gotten into some fights that have been doozies,  and yet this woman taught me how to love my children with everything that I am, and to be kind (I mean….I try), and to give love unconditionally, and to always see the beauty in things. She is a beautiful, amazing woman who I am proud to call my mom. We may not always agree, but I always love her….and her nasty flea infested, herpes clothes! Okay…that was too far…. Love you Mom!

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: My mom is a Whore too ~ Ooops, I said whore again… | Caffeine Jitters
  2. Criss
    Jun 07, 2013 @ 19:13:45

    LOL you should write a book! Another lovely post.

    Reply

  3. yvonne
    Jun 08, 2013 @ 18:45:25

    thank you , my darling daughter, i laughed and cried , I love you too , I was surprised when i found it I love u soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  4. Yolanda
    Jun 10, 2013 @ 22:51:45

    Too funny – but it is definitely easier to bargain hunt at thrift stores. Your mom is smart!

    Reply

  5. TJ
    Jun 11, 2013 @ 04:16:41

    Herpes lipstick? Score!
    I must say I love a good sales rack but i’m also something of a thrift shop whore (or a tip-shop whore at least).

    Reply

  6. lisaeggs
    Jun 12, 2013 @ 21:38:02

    So this is the lady behind the fantastic comments over at Renegademothering. OK, you kick way more ass than I even thought you did. This is hilarious! I’m laughing just reading how it says ‘by Vagina’ next to the post. I loved this! I’ll be back for more 🙂

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 13, 2013 @ 10:37:19

      Thank you! I appreciate it so much. I figure if I’m going to do this thing I might as well jump in with all I’ve got…Vagina and everything. 😉 Thanks for commenting!

      Reply

  7. Kristen Hudson
    Jul 03, 2013 @ 17:28:47

    Glad to know it isn’t just my Mom and I that communicate like this!

    Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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