The (shit) Storm of the Century!

Five reasons why I would rather pee my pants than use a public restroom: I have no doubt I could probably come up with more than five reasons, I could probably go on and on and on all day about why public restrooms are the nastiest things in existence but I will try and stick with five. I want to start by telling you a story that officially happened to me about ten years ago or so and I truly believe this was the moment when my complete phobia of public toilets came about. I used to work at a place called “Kids Fun Center.” Now, you probably do not need any more information on this story other than that because I am sure you can imagine the “Fun” that went down in a place called “Kids Fun Center.” This place was a building that had play structures, the same ones you find in the Mcdonalds play centers. There were big plastic tunnels and slides all connected together so kids could run through them and get lost up in there, and puke or shit because for some reason there is always a kid that pukes or shits in those tunnels. Then every other kid will just ignore the puke or shit as if it’s not really there, and crawl right through it. Now that almost every kid in the place is covered in someone else’s puke and shit, it’s become like a scavanger hunt to try and find the actual kid that it originally came from. And let’s not even get into the smell of the building at this point. There is also the ball pits that kids love to pee in. It’s not the same thing as peeing in the pool kids!! At least in the pool, you’re actually wet and when you get out no one can tell. Do these kids not realize that after peeing in the ball pit, you can see the pee on their clothes? Everybody knows it was you!!!! And don’t even get me started on the adults that piss in those things! O.O

So…back to my public restroom story. Here it is, a busy saturday, and I’m standing at the ticket counter taking kids tickets so they can pick prizes from the prize shelf, when a kid runs up to me and says, “Someone pooped in the bathroom.”

I say, “Okay…well that is where people go poop, so what’s the big deal.”

The kid says, “There is poop on the floor.”

I think- kill me now please! So, I prepare myself for seeing something icky, but I did not prepare myself for what looked like someone had been murdered and the weapon of choice was shit. I opened the door, stepped into the bathroom and literally was stuck frozen in my spot. I am not even sure I can describe it to you. There was poop absolutely everywhere but in the toilet. If you have ever seen the movie Trainspotting, that is a good description of what I was looking at. It was on the walls, it was on the floor, it was on the mirror, the sink, and even though this one may be hard to believe….I am telling you true….it was on the ceiling. On the friggin ceiling was shit!!! I was afraid to move. I felt like if I moved, the shit would jump on me and attack me and take me down somehow. I was terrified!! Shoes were never allowed past the front gates, so all of the foot prints that had made it’s way through this murder scene of shit were people that had gone into the bathroom and, for some crazy ass reason, neglected to see that they were walking in shit and instead walked straight through it and tracked it EVERYWHERE! Basically no one was safe. Shit was everywhere…LITERALLY everywhere and we were all contaminated with it because by now I can’t even tell you how many people trudged through it, touched it on the sink handles, touched it on the door handles, and went on out the door to continue to play as if they hadn’t just walked through shitville. I was afraid to breathe in at this point. The only choice was to grab the shit handle and run for my life…or just sit there. Well… you can guess the choice I made…. I fucking RAN!! This experience scarred me! Seriously scarred me for life. I HATE public restrooms more than I hate shopping at Walmart. I would rather shit over a log that is sitting directly off the side of the freeway than in a public restroom. The people driving by might not like the big moon shinning in their faces, but at least I’m not leaving with syphilis ass! Anyway….here is  the top five reasons you should never use a public restroom….as if my story isn’t enough:

1. The above story! Yep…it really is enough reason to stay far, far away from those places…

2. I do not understand why every public restroom is so friggin wet! Who the fuck is showering in these things!? Every single time I approach the sink to wash my hands I walk away sopping wet like I was just in a wet t-shirt contest. And don’t even try and tell me that it’s my boobs. The wetness starts at the top of  my shirt and goes all the way down to my crotch. And why is the ceiling wet??? It’s like after they are done showering they do that flip hair move to try and look cool and now there is water dripping from the ceiling…of the public restroom… NOT COOL FOLKS!!

3. I know everybody has experienced being in the bathroom and hearing the person in the stall making all the music from their ass…then walk out of the stall and LEAVE!!!! um….you forgot something very important…TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!! and now I am stuck in the friggin bathroom because I am NOT touching that handle…

4. Why is their always a kid looking underneath the stall? Or above it…

5. The super fun moment when you are done and realize there is no toilet paper. Why didn’t you check before you sat down?… good question….yet that does you no good at this point because now you are sitting there with no way to wipe your ass. So you have option A: Just get up and go. Option B: Ask someone to give some over…and just hope that they aren’t in the process of wiping there own ass so their hands aren’t covered in…well, you get the idea….or Option C: Yeah…their is no option c…basically if you don’t pick option A or B….your FUCKED!

I had more reasons, but I figured after 5 you pretty much get the idea…plus I am sure most of you have your own amazing experiences with public restrooms. I’m not even going to touch the topic of porta-potties. NOPE…not going anywhere near that subject…. or the door handle on one of those things…