The (shit) Storm of the Century!

English: Porta-potty with rattlesnake warning ...

Five reasons why I would rather pee my pants than use a public restroom: I have no doubt I could probably come up with more than five reasons, I could probably go on and on and on all day about why public restrooms are the nastiest things in existence but I will try and stick with five. I want to start by telling you a story that officially happened to me about ten years ago or so and I truly believe this was the moment when my complete phobia of public toilets came about. I used to work at a place called “Kids Fun Center.” Now, you probably do not need any more information on this story other than that because I am sure you can imagine the “Fun” that went down in a place called “Kids Fun Center.” This place was a building that had play structures, the same ones you find in the Mcdonalds play centers. There were big plastic tunnels and slides all connected together so kids could run through them and get lost up in there, and puke or shit because for some reason there is always a kid that pukes or shits in those tunnels. Then every other kid will just ignore the puke or shit as if it’s not really there, and crawl right through it. Now that almost every kid in the place is covered in someone else’s puke and shit, it’s become like a scavanger hunt to try and find the actual kid that it originally came from. And let’s not even get into the smell of the building at this point. There is also the ball pits that kids love to pee in. It’s not the same thing as peeing in the pool kids!! At least in the pool, you’re actually wet and when you get out no one can tell. Do these kids not realize that after peeing in the ball pit, you can see the pee on their clothes? Everybody knows it was you!!!! And don’t even get me started on the adults that piss in those things! O.O

So…back to my public restroom story. Here it is, a busy saturday, and I’m standing at the ticket counter taking kids tickets so they can pick prizes from the prize shelf, when a kid runs up to me and says, “Someone pooped in the bathroom.”

I say, “Okay…well that is where people go poop, so what’s the big deal.”

The kid says, “There is poop on the floor.”

I think- kill me now please! So, I prepare myself for seeing something icky, but I did not prepare myself for what looked like someone had been murdered and the weapon of choice was shit. I opened the door, stepped into the bathroom and literally was stuck frozen in my spot. I am not even sure I can describe it to you. There was poop absolutely everywhere but in the toilet. If you have ever seen the movie Trainspotting, that is a good description of what I was looking at. It was on the walls, it was on the floor, it was on the mirror, the sink, and even though this one may be hard to believe….I am telling you true….it was on the ceiling. On the friggin ceiling was shit!!! I was afraid to move. I felt like if I moved, the shit would jump on me and attack me and take me down somehow. I was terrified!! Shoes were never allowed past the front gates, so all of the foot prints that had made it’s way through this murder scene of shit were people that had gone into the bathroom and, for some crazy ass reason, neglected to see that they were walking in shit and instead walked straight through it and tracked it EVERYWHERE! Basically no one was safe. Shit was everywhere…LITERALLY everywhere and we were all contaminated with it because by now I can’t even tell you how many people trudged through it, touched it on the sink handles, touched it on the door handles, and went on out the door to continue to play as if they hadn’t just walked through shitville. I was afraid to breathe in at this point. The only choice was to grab the shit handle and run for my life…or just sit there. Well… you can guess the choice I made…. I fucking RAN!! This experience scarred me! Seriously scarred me for life. I HATE public restrooms more than I hate shopping at Walmart. I would rather shit over a log that is sitting directly off the side of the freeway than in a public restroom. The people driving by might not like the big moon shinning in their faces, but at least I’m not leaving with syphilis ass! Anyway….here is  the top five reasons you should never use a public restroom….as if my story isn’t enough:

1. The above story! Yep…it really is enough reason to stay far, far away from those places…

2. I do not understand why every public restroom is so friggin wet! Who the fuck is showering in these things!? Every single time I approach the sink to wash my hands I walk away sopping wet like I was just in a wet t-shirt contest. And don’t even try and tell me that it’s my boobs. The wetness starts at the top of  my shirt and goes all the way down to my crotch. And why is the ceiling wet??? It’s like after they are done showering they do that flip hair move to try and look cool and now there is water dripping from the ceiling…of the public restroom… NOT COOL FOLKS!!

3. I know everybody has experienced being in the bathroom and hearing the person in the stall making all the music from their ass…then walk out of the stall and LEAVE!!!! um….you forgot something very important…TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!! and now I am stuck in the friggin bathroom because I am NOT touching that handle…

4. Why is their always a kid looking underneath the stall? Or above it…

5. The super fun moment when you are done and realize there is no toilet paper. Why didn’t you check before you sat down?… good question….yet that does you no good at this point because now you are sitting there with no way to wipe your ass. So you have option A: Just get up and go. Option B: Ask someone to give some over…and just hope that they aren’t in the process of wiping there own ass so their hands aren’t covered in…well, you get the idea….or Option C: Yeah…their is no option c…basically if you don’t pick option A or B….your FUCKED!

I had more reasons, but I figured after 5 you pretty much get the idea…plus I am sure most of you have your own amazing experiences with public restrooms. I’m not even going to touch the topic of porta-potties. NOPE…not going anywhere near that subject…. or the door handle on one of those things…

 

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18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jacquie
    May 17, 2013 @ 11:28:11

    I had a middle of the night (in the middle of nowhere) pee emergency and barely held it to a rest stop in Oregon. The rest stop was 1 porta-potty with no lights anywhere. Well, it was an emergency so I sat down and proceeded to try to get the hell out of there as fast as I could, but upon standing I realized there was something on me. Turned out, it was all over me. That’s IT with a SH in front of it. I sat in someone’s shit, it must have rimmed the entire seat. So with my pants down in front of god and everybody (I’m sure there was probably a webcam staring at me) my husband, by moonlight mind you, helped wipe the shit off of my ass that wasn’t even my own while I sobbed uncontrollably. Moral of the story is, just freaking pee on the road next to the car and hope a cop doesn’t spot you.

    Reply

    • hdfloyd73
      May 17, 2013 @ 11:45:37

      Oh my Gosh your story has me pissing my pants over here! You definitely WIN!!! Oh man…I would have freaked. Well…I completely agree with you…..just pee on the road and if anyone sees, well…then they have a fun story to tell people but at least your ass is clean. 😉

      Reply

    • Jannemahl
      Jun 01, 2013 @ 21:45:35

      HOLY CRAP! That was funny! (Ya know, because it happened to you, not me) 😉

      Reply

    • TJ
      Jun 11, 2013 @ 05:18:24

      Oh gosh, i’m laughing but in a horrified and totally sympathetic way…

      Reply

  2. Fearless Leader
    May 17, 2013 @ 12:42:42

    I have written a couple of stories where guys actually Doo Doo Dive in port-o-potties! Like Dumpster Diving except in road side johns! Your and Jacquie’s stories are certainly right up there with the Doo Doo Diver Dumbasses. Can I please have permission to re-blog both of them on “Dumbass News”? Bwahahahahaha!

    Reply

  3. caffeinejitters
    May 17, 2013 @ 13:13:06

    Totally love Trainspotting, and it is exactly what I thought of when I read this! The blog is hilarious!!

    Reply

  4. Criss
    May 17, 2013 @ 22:02:40

    Oh you poor darling. We have a place here called ‘PLAY n FUN’ I remember a day when a little ones nappy tore open and white bits of HUGGIES brand , urine filled nappy (diaper) was literally EVERYWHERE. I remember feeling so bad for the staff having to climb through and wipe and cleanse the what seemed the entire play centre. Your story however was way way worse! EWEeeeeee

    Public loos, I agree, only when I really have no option. What always gets me is how the heck do some women manage to get shit stuck up the side of the loo near the rims?? What do you do SQUAT up in the AIR???? And for the love of all that is clean FLUSH!!!!!!

    NASTY!

    Again a very funny read……….. really enjoying your Blog.

    Reply

    • hdfloyd73
      May 18, 2013 @ 10:54:04

      Oh my gosh Criss I am dying over here with your comment. I just spit coffee everywhere. HILARIOUS!! I agree, how the hell does shit get up in the rims??…It sure makes me wonder what the frick people are actually doing in those things. haha

      Reply

  5. Yolanda Celi
    May 20, 2013 @ 22:27:52

    Gross! Yuck! You’d be amazed at how many people don’t wash their hands. Disgusting. I hate public restrooms too, especially portable ones. Some are tolerable but I’ll only use them when I am desperate. I’m glad I ate dinner before reading your post Heather! 🙂

    Reply

    • hdfloyd73
      May 21, 2013 @ 09:25:01

      Sorry Yolanda! I know this story is gross. It is burned into my memories. :/ So I figured I would share with everyone else and they can have the horrible images too. 😉 Thanks for always reading my stuff my lovely friend! ❤

      Reply

  6. apleasanthouse
    May 22, 2013 @ 12:42:34

    OMG…OMG. I will never leave my home again. Thanks a lot.

    Reply

  7. TJ
    Jun 11, 2013 @ 05:19:51

    Maybe this only happens to me but I seem to occasionally be in a public restroom while a fellow attendee has a conversation on their freaking phone whilst in a cubicle. Seriously- time? place? I think not.
    You’re right public toilets are horrific.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 11, 2013 @ 12:21:49

      haha..YES…that happens to me too. Do these people not realize how ick that is. what are going to do with the phone when you need to wipe? Plus….I really think that that is a place you should be giving all your focus and attention. Just get it done and move along ya know. Make your phone call later.

      Reply

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