For Mother’s Day I would like a new Vagina please…

Kangaroo

Why my vagina doesn’t work right anymore: Now I know your thinking, “how in the hell are you going to write about your vagina not working right!”..I get it….vaginas make people uncomfortable, even just the word alone makes some people cringe. I really understand..You may even want to look away right now because I am going there. And I’m bringing my vagina with me. I have decided that vaginas are basically classy cunts. Let me explain. Some people freak out at the word cunt. I am not a fan of the word either. I never use it…but if you look up the meaning…which I have conveniently done for you here – this is what it means – ( this is a true story. I looked it up and this is exactly how it was written ) :

CUNT : noun

1. vulgar A woman’s genitals

2. offensive A woman

Now first of all, I find everything wrong with this. Why does it say “vulgar, and offensive” when talking about a part of a woman’s body. Not ONE friggin person would be even reading this, or walking around doing whatever they do, had it not been for the vulgur vagina (cunt) that kept them alive until they clawed there way out of it. I am a realist!! I realize that people have turned these words into bad things and they have been used to offend others by calling them such names as cunt. Well….call me a cunt….do it….and I’ll just say back to you… “yeah well…you were hanging out in your mom’s vagina living off of her insides all creepy like so technically so are you!”…. I don’t even know if that made sense, but that really goes back to the fact that it is just a word anyway. I wrote an entire blog about words which you could read here  https://hdfloyd73.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/words-theyre-just-words/    If you are so inclined! 🙂 anyway…back on topic….so the fact that people use these particular words as name bashing, or consider them offensive really makes no sense to me. It seems that when you call someone anything that has to do with the under carriage of our bodies people just get all weird. They get super upset and stuff starts happening. “That dude called me a dick, cunt ass face! I’m so upset!” Okay…well break it up and maybe it won’t bother you so much. First of all a dick is nothing more than a penis, and half the population have them hanging off the front’s of their bodies. A cunt is merely a vagina…the other half of the people on this globe have those and you can access them from in between their legs stuffed up in there. And then of course there is face which nobody gives a fuck about. Call anybody a face and see what happens. Yeah…nothing!! People don’t give a crap about that part of the body. That is the thing everyone sees when they first meet you. That is like your business card. The front of your book. You are displaying that thing right out for everybody to see…but call someone a face…and nobody gives a shit. Call them something that comes from down below, and Oh shit you crossed the line!!!!

Anyway…this post is not really about words as much as why my vagina doesn’t work right anymore. And by the way, vaginas are magical because they also posses super powers. They sustain life and then basically when the life is “ready”…it decided’s to make it’s way straight through that tiny hole provided to get here. Mine has not worked correctly since a bunch of  little people decided to claw there way here right through my sex hole. My sex hole was nice before. It did the things I wanted it to do. Like when I needed to pee….(it wasn’t as if that was usually an emergency or anything)… but I would get that, “Oh…I guess I should start looking for a toilet soon” feeling. Now a days though… There is no signal from the brain pre- telling me that I will soon need to make my way to a toilet because in the next half  hour or so…my body will need to release some fluids! Those days are gone my friend. Piss just falls straight out of my vagina. It doesn’t matter what the hell I am doing, I just piss myself! No warning….no feeling of ” hey, your gonna need to hit a toilet soon”..it’s just fucking chaos down there. I am doing zumba…I piss! I sneeze…I piss….I am talking to a friend and very lightly laugh….PISS! I am sitting here typing this and I just pissed myself! Yep, it doesn’t work right. That’s not all. One of my little people not only clawed her way through my sex hole….she basically ripped the fucking thing open with her fingernails. I guess just arriving like everyone else wasn’t good enough. She needed a full on dramatic entrance and ripped me from hole to hole…LITERALLY! They had to sew my holes back together. And as I am laying there getting my holes sewn back together….the doctor looks at my husband and says, “would you like me to add a few extra stitches?”…ReallY doctor….a vagina joke….FUUUUCKK YOUUUUUU!!!!! The husband wanted to laugh…I could see it…but he looked at me, then looked at the doctor…then looked at me again and knew if he laughed he may lose a ball! (Excuse me…testicle for the sensitive eye holes).

Anyway….so that happened…and then I had this cute little hairy baby looking at me. Sure, when you’re holding that little ball of sunshine everything  fades away…and you look at the little thing that just tore up your whole damn crotch and you have nothing but pure love for them. Then they become 12!!! I generally enjoy repeatedly reminding the little people of what they did to my under carriage…because that my friend is fun. And you have the right…because now not only do you piss sideways, but you constantly piss. You just do that now. That is now a thing for you, so since I can’t even raise my eyebrows without piss falling out of my vagina…then they will hear about it! 😉 And it’s not just for the ladies that pushed a person out of their sex hole…this also applies to the folks that had to get cut open and have the little person pulled out of their gut. That little person that was growing and growing, was basically using your bladder as a pillow/ trampoline/ kickboxing bag. So it doesn’t work right….and now you have a big slice in your gut that will FOREVER leave you with a pouch that you will NEVER be able to get rid of. Do the crunches…go ahead….the little people will be laughing there asses off because that pouch is NOT leaving! Do Jillian Michaels six pack in six weeks….go ahead….the only six pack showing up is the one your buying in the store because you are now a fucking kangaroo for the rest of your damn life…so get use to it. And the pouch isn’t useful like a kangaroo’s is…you can’t put shit in it and use it as a purse. It just sits there looking at you in the mirror saying…FUCK YOU!

The only time it actually looks okay is when I am laying down and on occasion (when I haven’t eaten yet) it will sink down and dissappear as if to say I am not here anymore…but it’s a lie. Because once you get up…fucker is like…HEY….I missed you! This is why spankz were even created you know. And the thing with laying down is it might make the pouch dissappear, but it also makes my boobs dissappear so I might be laying there thinking…” yeah…I’m sexy….no pouch on my gut….but I HAVE NO FRIGGIN TITS NOW EITHER!” Those sweet little people that screwed up my sex hole also did a number on my boobs. Basically they sucked the ever loving life out of them, then moved on to “solid” foods. Oh…really???…thanks kids….thanks for taking the life source that was keeping my boobs perky and happy, draining every last ounce of it, then basically giving them the finger and moving on to cheerios. Well…in the end, obviously the little people are what make it all worth it right? I look at them and realize, it doesn’t matter that I don’t pee right, or look like a kangaroo, or have what my 6 yr old likes to refer to as “Drippy boob sacks”….I also have THEM! and they are worth far more than perky boobs….a spiffy well working vagina, and six pack abs….I guess…;) …For mother’s day I would like a new vagina please…

14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Bill McMorrow
    May 10, 2013 @ 12:02:40

    Did the doctor really say that about extra stitches? Wow, what a dick.

    Reply

  2. hdfloyd73
    May 10, 2013 @ 12:13:51

    yeah….my thoughts exactly!

    Reply

  3. caffeinejitters
    May 10, 2013 @ 12:21:38

    I’m just going to start calling people “face” from now on, and get a bunch of weird looks. 🙂

    Reply

  4. Tracie
    May 10, 2013 @ 12:59:08

    That doc was a real eyehole!

    Reply

  5. Saf
    May 13, 2013 @ 19:16:50

    Technically you don’t pee out of your vagina, you pee out of your urethra. There is another tiny hole that pee comes out of.

    Reply

    • hdfloyd73
      May 14, 2013 @ 09:13:57

      Okay…well thanks for the “technical” term of where pee actually comes from, but if you read this correctly you would realize I am using Hyperbole! I’m pretty sure most folks know what hole the pee comes from since most folks have one.

      Reply

  6. beckysaysthings
    May 14, 2013 @ 11:21:39

    Before I read this post, my vagina was perfectly intact, due to being childless and occasionally remembering my pelvic floor exercises. But having read this post, my vagina has fallen out and is now lying underneath my chair. That’s right. I laughed out my vagina. It actually happens.
    So thanks. Thanks for ruining my vagina. This blogging world is cruel.

    Reply

    • hdfloyd73
      May 14, 2013 @ 17:36:17

      My vagina was pretty jacked up before…but after reading your comment I can safely say it is beyond repair!! So thanks for the laughs and the comment, and yes…reading your comment made me piss myself. 😉

      Reply

      • beckysaysthings
        May 15, 2013 @ 14:43:37

        Shit. What are we like? Do you think we’d get a discount if we both went to a vagina doctor at the same time? Kind of like, repair two for the price of one kind of thing….?

  7. Trackback: Love me, love my vagina. | lipstick-chat
  8. Julie S
    Jun 11, 2013 @ 21:27:13

    My pouch thanks you for the shout out. And I too am going to add the “insult” face to my repertoire.

    Reply

  9. Amanda
    Jun 12, 2013 @ 11:51:54

    It felt so good to laugh at my pouch and broken vagina instead of crying. Thank you sooo much for putting yourself out there. I felt healed for a few mins while I read.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 12, 2013 @ 12:07:24

      Thank you for commenting! I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes we just need to laugh about it because there is nothing else we can do. 🙂

      Reply

  10. abrokenvagina
    Jun 12, 2013 @ 14:02:47

    Haha!!! Maybe we could get a deal for three broken vaginas! Abrokenvagina.com

    Reply

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