Well folks…it’s that time of year again. Where we all have to go out to the crazy ass stores and buy a shit ton of crap that nobody needs or even wants. We have people over that we usually try and avoid most of the time, but it’s Christmas…so now you have to sit at the table with them and talk about the weather, their job, and how much gas costs. Aweswome!
The stress of the Holidays hits everyone. We all feel it at some point. Buying gifts, and sending out a billion cards, and baking a truck load of cookies. It’s a lot of work in one month to try and live up to the standard of a “Happy Holiday!” Whatever that means. I personally do not believe any of that has anything to do with having a Happy Holiday. Side note: I am not saying Happy Holiday because of the “oh no I am offended” BS that is sweeping the nation. If you get offended because of the way someone wished you a holiday greeting…it is most definitely time to re evaluate your priorities.
Anyway….I was thinking about the Holidays and how I wanted to write a blog post that had something to do with Christmas and all of the holiday activities that we are all involved in right now. I thought about maybe posting recipes. Then I laughed my ass off! NOBODY wants a recipe that comes from me…trust me! Then I considered writing about ways to alleviate holiday stress, and all I could come up with was Vodka. I mean let’s get real folks….Vodka will cure what ails you!!
So as I was thinking about how I was going to write up a beautiful holiday post that may possibly be helpful, or really inspiring to people…..this is what came to my mind. You all know the beautiful holiday song the twelve days of Christmas right? I know you do! It has been around forever. That song has been sung by numerous people…myself included, and it has wonderfully illustrated lyrics that really take you to the place of understanding love at Christmas time. Well…I changed it up! I decided to put a little spin on the song…you know….spice it up a bit. My version though….is more about what you DON’T want to give your true love for Christmas.
Have you ever gotten that gift that you just hated. I mean…you appreciate the thought…but the gift…HATE!!! Well, here is some ideas that I think would be terrible gifts. Like really, really BAD gift ideas. In other words….DO NOT get your true love these gifts, because surely…your true love will NO longer be your true love by January 1st. The next year, you will be flying solo my friend. Take some friendly advice and listen to the new lyrics. You can sing it in your head if you like:
On the first day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: A fucking herpe…
On the second day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the third day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….
On the fourth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….
On the fifth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….
On the sixth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the seventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…
On the eight day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 8 Dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…
On the ninth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 9 Nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’TS”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the tenth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the eleventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 11 kid’s a screaming, 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the twelfth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 12 Relatives showing up without fucking calling, 11 kid’s a screaming, 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…..
There you have it folks!! Twelve of the WORST gifts you could ever give your True Love. Seriously….don’t do it!! It’s not a good idea.
I wish you all The Merriest of Christmas’s and Happiest of Holiday’s EVER!!~ Of course I made a video for you. Vagina had a Christmas get together. Check it out!! ~
Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again.. 
Dec 17, 2013 @ 11:15:37
You are the BEST dancer ever! I especially like the list of x-mas people. I met the recipe teller and the one upper at a party {{sigh}} My fav comment of the one upper? When she pried the admission that I have cancer out of me even though she already knew that I’ve been going toe to toe with it for the past 11 months? She just wanted to hear me say it and I almost never do cuz I don’t like to ‘own’ that shit, anyway, her one up? ‘Oh, well my Aunt DIED of ovarian cancer.’ hmmm…how cheerful. Thanks for sharing fuck face.
Thanks for the laugh…you SLAY me. (followed by lame laugh) I meant to write ‘sleigh’ me…sigh. I’m really funny. I swear. I can be.
Dec 17, 2013 @ 18:45:53
Laura Lynn I KNOW you are funny. Your comments have had me literally pissing myself. 😉 And I like how you called the one-upper a fuck face. That is EXACTLY what she sounds like. I don’t know why, but these people are always the ones that end up talking to me at stupid parties. It’s like I give off a “if you are a fuck face come and talk to me” vibe. The one-upper was based on real events….if you know what I mean! 😉 You don’t have to own any damn thing you don’t want too. This is YOUR life and you can think and do whatever the fuck you want to. Everyone else can stick it up their wazzooo!! I really can’t stand it when people stick their nose in someone else’s business and think that they have a right to say anything about it!! They don’t! It is not their journey and not their decision on how to handle anything. You live EXACTLY the way you need too, and what brings you happiness and peace. FUCK anyone else who thinks it’s not the way to do it!! It’s not their road!! Sorry…I didn’t mean to go off on a whole thing, but i know this all too well. For so many years I was surrounded by people that felt the need to tell me exactly how i should handle my shit…and one day I finally just blew up, and the “real” me came out with so much force that I can’t even look back. I felt like I busted out of being trapped in stone. I know…that’s really Doctor Who…ish….but I just wasn’t being me. Anyway…I just want you to know that screw anyone who thinks you need to walk your road a certain way, or do things a certain way because what they think doesn’t matter anyway. ALL that matters is where YOUR happiness and peace lies. And you didn’t even ask for some bullshit novel, and you probably are like…” what the hell is this chick talking about!”… I hope you and your family have a Wonderful, beautiful, Christmas. I am planning on the next year being super kick ass!!!! ❤
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:22:36
Ooh man, child I know how many dicks there are out there. But for every asshole fuckface there’s someone equally nice (or a dog) to make up for them. I don’t blame that person for trying to talk about crap things. The very REASON they are assholes is BECAUSE they think like that, talk like that. It’s like they can’t help themselves. They are the ones who make the Kardtrashians famous. They are the ones who slow down at look at car crashes. They are the ones who make the description ‘Christian’ sound like an insult. Like all those people who try and tell you how to walk their walk and talk their talk and won’t shut up and then when you BLOW UP they’re just standing there drooling, that’s them too. It’s crazy shit, Vag. Seriously. There are people who want to know me just so they can cry at the funeral. Well, fuck ’em. I’m not going anywhere.
Dec 18, 2013 @ 09:48:16
I LOVE you!! Seriously…What you said here is so perfect. That is truly how I feel. You said it all!! And my new favorite word is Kardtrashians!! ~ I think if people would just STOP ya know…just stop and look at their own shit, possibly this world could be a different place. By looking at their own shit…maybe they could fix what needs to be fixed in their own life,and quite worrying about changing anyone else. It could be a better place ya know.
Dec 17, 2013 @ 18:47:47
Oh and thanks for the dancer compliment. 😉 I thought throwing in the sprinkler added some nice moves…Not really though…;)
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:28:50
Got some seriously good moves I’d like to bust out. Picked them up from a little filipino guy named Oscar. Someday, Vag, somedy I’ll learn how you post this shit on here and figure out how to be all magical with the computer and \POW//! I’ll be SCHOOLIN’ you on how to do the ‘shopping cart’ and the ‘sprinkler’ and all. Whoot…(okay not really…I just get all competitive and I shouldn’t have had that glass of wine with the cold medicine chaser and I most certainly should have left the lorazapam alone…and the Twix and pudding sugar rush isn’t helping…) Merry Christmas…
Dec 18, 2013 @ 09:49:39
I’m in….I mean, I want some of the Wine with cold medicine chaser and lorazapam, and EXTRA twix and pudding please….
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:07:56
OOOOO, people like that do my fuckin’ head in, eh! It’s times like that when my special skill for being loud & offensive coupled with my low dickhead tolerance threshold can have an unmatched entertainment factor at said dickheads expense…if I only I lived on the same continent, damn it. I’m heading straight for theBar to have a beer for you and Vag. Here’s to you, Laura, not only kicking cancer’s arse but 2014’s as well. Bring on the good times next year I say. Lovesies RED
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:21:27
Yep!! I’m with REDdog!! Can you imagine us all at a party, It would be a hell of a lot more fun than the one-upper assbags!!
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:35:50
I had a glass of wine (etc) and I just sat and had a fantasy where you, Vag and you, REDdog, were at this party…and the one upper was there. I’d spare the recipe teller except that the recipe she gave me has no sugar listed in it and I think she did it one PURPOSE! To make BAD cookies! Yep…it was a good dream. ahhhhh…almost as good as a Fred and Ginger movie. Just that smooth, just that witty, just that energetic. And then POW!!!…I should write a movie. I feel like digression and non sequiturs haven’t been represented enough in film. I want a Schipperke.
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:44:33
Laura, it’s like a fantasy come true to be part of one of your fantasies alongside the YouTube sensation and all-top Sheila, Vag, a man could die happy now…but I ain’t goin nowhere cos there’s too much to do. Tell you what girls, keep an eye on CNN late 2015, I’m comin over for Sturgis, I’ll meet youse in the bar!
Dec 18, 2013 @ 09:53:33
😉 Awesome!!! I hope you had 2 drinks for me REDdog!!
Dec 18, 2013 @ 11:31:22
I cannot tell a lie…3!
Dec 18, 2013 @ 09:52:29
HA!!! I missed the party last night!!! The one-upper wants to destroy us all! It’s true…. I am available for whatever you need for the film. It is going to rock the socks off of everyone!! Especially the one-upper!! I can play lots of different roles. And I can do the running man like nobody’s business….
Dec 18, 2013 @ 11:16:17
OH BOY!! Sturgis 2015! I’ll be on my best behavior…look for me in the hoosgow!
Dec 18, 2013 @ 11:31:48
Deal!
Dec 17, 2013 @ 11:39:14
I don’t know if people exist that can read those lyrics and not SING in their heads. But I’m not one of them! Nice!
Dec 17, 2013 @ 18:56:56
That’s true!! It is hard not to sing in your head. I was singing it as I was writing it out. Which is how I came up with those AWESOME lyrics…. O.O
Dec 17, 2013 @ 15:19:33
Reblogged this on Parrots, Prose, and Poetry and commented:
Gotta love the holidays!!!!
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:01:06
You are most definitely my second favourite vagina on the planet! Thanks for the moves, I’m not even sorry they made me laugh. I would be the last one to leave your party, girl. Love yer shit, as per. Cheers REDdog
Dec 17, 2013 @ 20:23:31
haha…It would be a an awesome party if you were there REDdog!! You could throw in some kick ass moves! 🙂 And maybe have 2 drinks for me tonight! 😉 😉
Dec 17, 2013 @ 21:25:07
Your beautiful and I love u so much. Wonderful stuff Ty for saying it for me
Dec 18, 2013 @ 09:53:59
😉 Love you too!!…and thank you…
Dec 18, 2013 @ 07:42:53
Vagina, I love your videos! I really love Christmas and winter, so I don’t have TOO many complaints, but I do have one big one!!! I really can’t stand all those inflatable decorations on everyone’s front yards! They look so ratty and they’re never inflated enough and they just look sad. I love a tackily decorated house, but I just have a thing against inflatables. And they’re everywhere! Do you feel me? I have my own 12 days of Christmas song: on the first day of Christmas Vagina gave to me, a video that made me pee!!!!!! My Christmas wish is that Vagina keeps the posts and videos coming and never stops! I love you Heather, Merry Christmas!!! xoxoxo
Dec 18, 2013 @ 09:58:19
hahaha…I LOVE your song! And I totally sang it! And it made me PEE!!!! We used to have one of those blow up Santas in the yard but it died and that was the end of that!! No more blow up dolls for us. 😉 I really do love winter and Christmas. They are mt favorite time. We haven’t had a lot of snow here though. I really do wish it would snow because the last few years we have had practically nothing. Very mild winters. I’m ready to get snowed in so i don;t have to leave the house! 🙂 I Love you so much Lisa!!! I hope you and your gorgeous family have the most wonderful Christmas, and the greatest of New Year’s to come! ❤
Dec 18, 2013 @ 13:03:22
Oh my gosh I LOVE YOU! You are the best friend I have never met! If we ever did meet, what would happen??? It would be insane. I wish we could send each other hilarious Christmas cards but I can’t figure out a way to get my address to you with out posting it! And you definitely don’t want to post your address or you’ll be inundated with Vagina fan mail and your mailman will think you’re running some kind of vagina-themed home business!!!!
Dec 19, 2013 @ 09:57:43
hahaha…can you imagine?! That is Hilarious!! I don’t even want to think about what some people would send. I have gotten some CRAZY messages. Some dude told me I should do all my videos naked! I’m like…first of all, NO ONE wants to see that…not even me, and secondly…Who are you???!!!!!! Putting Vagina in my title has definitely brought a few weirdos….but it’s also brought my favorite awesome people like YOU!! ❤ ❤ ❤ Have a very Beautiful Christmas and the BEST year to come my dear friend! ❤