Doggies are better than People!~

My dog can be a jerk! He does things sometimes that drive me nuts!! I have not always been an animal person. When I was a very young child, I was bit in the face by a dog and needed to get stitches. So it put me off from the whole dog thing for many years. 
 
 
 
And NOW….. now we have a chihuahua/doxey thing with eyebrows and sometimes he drives me batshit crazy. But you know what…. I have thought about it and to be honest, I think I would rather hang out with my dog than some people. 
 
 
 
People can be assholes!! And I find that with dogs, you mostly can read them and get a pretty good idea of what they are giving off to you. With people though…. You sometimes just have NO idea what you are dealing with!!
 
 
 
So I put together some of the reasons that dogs are better than people! 
 
 
 
It’s all in fun folks!! 
 
 
 
Things I know my dog would never do:
 
 
 
1) He would never cheat on me with another owner.  He would never send secret texts to someone saying things like “Will you rub my belly? And feed me those fancy dog treats you bought at Target? And BTW… you’re my favorite owner… heart emoji.” Of course it would be the heart emoji… probably followed by the poop emoji… My dog does have a love for poop.
 
 
 
2) He would never call me fat, or suggest I lose a few pounds! On the contrary, every time I go to the fridge, my dog seems very supportive of my choice. He really encourages me. He gives me that “Yeah… get the food… eat the food…. let’s both eat the food….. together…. we love food” look!
 
 
 
3) He would never spread rumors about me behind my back! He wouldn’t start talking to the dog next door and telling it all my secrets. Like “Hey Lucky…. my owners boobs are SO not perky!! I had to watch her change yesterday and I still can’t get the image out of my head! Um… don’t tell anyone I told you that okay?”..Blink, Blink, Blink…
 
 
 
4) He would never have a second life somewhere! Like a family somewhere else that has five kids in it, and he sneaks out at night when I think he is actually in his bed, but NO… he heads over to his other family and sleeps in the kids beds over there! I never let him sleep in the beds here so this is his way of getting back at me. (A cat though….. they might possibly have a second family… and maybe even a third and fourth. Especially if they are getting premium cat treats from them!)
 
 
 
 
5) Dogs never take offense to anything you say! You can say the meanest , grossest, nastiest thing to them, and they will still look at you wagging their tail. Try it!! Call them a piece of doodie, wet flip flop breath, garbage eating, diaper face and they will still stand there, wagging! They don’t care.
 
 
 
6) He wouldn’t borrow money from me and never repay it!!
 
 
 
7) He would never borrow my clothes and then ruin them, and when I ask for my sweater back give me some lame excuse saying he can’t find it, or he left it at a friend’s house. And then two days later I see a picture posted on Facebook with him wearing it!!
 
 
 
8) He would never blame my mood on “That time of the month!.”
 
 
 
 
9) He would never wake up one day and all of a sudden decide he doesn’t want to be a dog anymore. His true self that he identifies with is a cat. He would never say to me… “Please do not refer to me as dog… I am now a cat and I would appreciate you respecting my choice on this!! Do not force me to sleep in that disgusting dog bed! Please do not force me to keep pooping out doors like some kind of barbarian! I would prefer a litter box now! This is my choice and I would appreciate for you to respect it!” 
 
 
Listen okay… There is nothing wrong with being a cat. I have always believed that cats should have the same equal rights that dogs have. I am just saying that it would change the dynamics of our relationship if he decided to one day not be a dog anymore. I mean… I wanted a dog…. so…
 
 
 
10) He would never go into the fridge and take out the Tupperware bowl that is CLEARLY marked “MY LEFTOVERS! DO NOT TOUCH” and then eat them anyway.
 
 
 
Actually… he probably would do that if he had thumbs and could open the fridge….
 
 
 
And come to think of it, he would also take it upon himself to shit right in the middle of my floor… for no reason at all! And he would pee right on my carpet and walk away like nothing.  He would also bark incessantly at the neighbors until they are giving me dirty looks and flipping me off.  Now that I think about it… he’s a real asshole!!
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What if Dog’s took selfies?…

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if your dog or cat could take selfies and post them on social media? I have often wondered what is going on in that furry head of Buster’s.

 

And then it happened…..

 

I was downloading some pictures from my camera and found these…..  Oh Buster!!!

 

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And of course we can”t forget this one…

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Well…… There you have it!   I guess I better start hiding the camera, ..or open up an Instagram for Buster…

A reflection on why Doggies are Assholes!~

Welcome my Guest Blogger today…This is a lovely reflection on why doggies can be such assholes!~ ENJOY

 

Ever since I was  three, I’ve had an affinity for dogs that nobody could quite understand. I had books on breeds, I watched talking dog movies, and I even pretended, often, to be a dog. But all of the this was before adulthood, when my dog dreams didn’t include dog poop, or dog training. With adulthood came the reality of owning a dog. This is a list of the embarrassing, annoying, or down right gross things my dog does.

 

1) Trying to “quickly” take Buster to the bathroom. It seems that whenever I am in a hurry, and running late, my dog thinks it’s a perfect time to procrastinate. We step outside, he trots to the grass, and instead of peeing like he should, he lays down. Apparently, sun bathing is more important than whatever I have planned.

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2) Pooping problems. At other times, my dog seems to be in a rush. On these days, Buster will begin pooping, but I guess he is too impatient to finish it just by standing. So, instead, he decides to start walking before he is fully finished. This is when my eyes dart around to our neighbor’s houses to make sure nobody is outside and watching. Because, seriously, it is embarrassing that my dog doesn’t know how to poop properly.

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3) Little dog, big temper. I don’t know what it is, but my dog hates other dogs. He is good with people, with birds, even with spiders, but other dogs drive him crazy. Once he sees one, he barks, he tugs, he growls, and the mo-hawk of anger puffs up on his back. SIDE NOTE: When this happens, “big dog” people tend to judge me. They immediately believe I allow my little dog to act like this, or that I think it’s cute. I DO NOT THINK IT’S CUTE. I have trained my dog to do many things, but this is one that hasn’t quite worked out. But I have tried. So, how about you keep your stink face to yourself.

 

 

4) Smoker’s bark. I have heard many small dogs bark, with their puppy-like yips that seemed to be somewhere between a mouse’s squeak and baby’s laugh. So, when I got a small dog, I expected as much. But, the first time I heard Buster bark, it ended up sounding more like a lawnmower that had been chain smoking for ten years. I just remember thinking, “WTF just came out of my dog’s mouth? Is mine defective? Of course I get the one chihuahua that sounds like frickin Godzilla.”

 

5) Noises. This horrendous bark comes out a lot now, and it’s always directed at my television shows. A horse gallops, and my dog barks. Some chains rattle, and my dog barks. Somebody fucking blinks too loudly, and my dog barks. Needless to say, I have missed most of the dialogue in Lost.

 

6) Other noises scare him. And I’m not just talking about thunder and fireworks like most dogs. Stupid crap. Like shuffling a deck of cards, the sound of my video camera turning on, or the fly swatter. Especially the fly swatter. I wish I could just talk some sense into him. Calm down, dude. It’s a fly swatter, not a dog swatter.

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7) Puking. My dog does it. Often. When I sit down with a good book, and I’m immersed in a dramatic scene, then suddenly behind me I hear, “gghhk… gghhnk… ggnnkkah.” The heaving noise is especially delightful at dinner time. I sit down for something delicious, and instead get to hear, “gghhnk.” Yum.

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8) He hates bleach. Don’t ask me why.

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9) Grass ass. There are times that laying in the grass isn’t enough, he has to scoot his but all over it too. He just really likes the feeling of vegetation on his rear… God only knows why.

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10) Lastly, the thing that annoys me the most is that after everything he does and through all of the embarrassment, I KEEP HIM. Maybe it’s his floppy ears or funny eyebrows, but somehow he convinces me to forgive every nasty, disgusting, stupid, idiotic, unpleasant, mortifying thing he has ever done, and I keep him… Son of a bitch.

 

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Thank you to my Guest Blogger Ariel Floyd!~

 

Wild Animals or Children….you decide!!

Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of kids and thought to yourself… is this a group of kids… or a pack of wild animals? I have had that thought more times than I can tell you. I have 4 kids…. so I have my very OWN pack of wild animals. Anyway, this got me thinking about comparisons. If you actually think about it… when it comes to kids, there are so many comparisons to other things that you can make. I started to write out a list…. and the list just kept going and going. There really are so many things that can be mistaken as children.

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Like for instance babies and dogs! We put them both in cages because there is always that chance that they are going to take off when you aren’t looking. They sit there and look at you with big eyes like please don’t leave me in here. You talk to them in a high pitched stupid voice and say things that don’t make sense. Babies and dogs look at you like you are an idiot because they have NO clue what you are saying to them. Then other people stare at you like you’re the freak, as if they’ve never done it before. Dogs and children poop at the most inconvient times EVER. They embaress you in public by attracting unwanted attention due to loud screaming/barking. They often stink and can be extremely naughty. They both have squeeky toys that you will for sure end up stepping on in the middle of the night. They DO NOT clean up after themselves, and they both have puked on my carpet. And yet, after all the times you think you are crazy for having one, you always want another.

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Little boys and dinosaurs!~ Not to generalize little boys, because I do believe that little girls can also be compared to dinosaurs. I am just speaking from experience with my little boy. The comparisons here are almost identical. Have you ever seen a little boy eat? Then you know EXACTLY how a velociraptor looked when it would eat. They both attack their food. Not just eat it… but kill it. You know, mangle it to death. Half the food ends up on the floor, and the other half on top of their head. They both make the most awful noises. Seriously, the screeches and shrieks and growls that come from my little boy is probably what killed the dinosaurs off!!! They both have a tendency to bite. You have to watch your fingers around them. Neither one likes to brush their teeth or take a bath….. And like the babies and dogs…. they both can and do often stink!

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Little girls and kitties!~ Again… I do not want to generalize all girls. I have 3 girls and I am speaking from experience with my littlest one. She is the one that has a tendency to be very much like a kitty. When it comes to little girls and kitties, you can be hugging them and snuggling with them, having a fun time, not knowing that any moment, they will change and attack. They do that little stalk thing, and then when you least expect it… they pounce. Then you turn around and look at them and they are staring at you like they did NOTHING!! Looking at you like YOU are the one with the problem… even though they just scratched out your eyeballs. They also both have the ” you are THE MOST stupid person on the planet and how can you possibly wear that outfit in public” look! They will flash you the “look” and you just know that you suck. They also can be fluffy and cute and cuddly!

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8 yr. olds and 80 yr. olds!~ Let’s face it… they both are missing filters. I have never met an 8 yr. old or an 80 yr. old that has a filter.

 

 
-Things you might possibly hear from and 8 yr. old would be…. “I farted and it smells like tacos!”… “My poop is runny!”… “Something smells weird on my hand!”… “You’re funny looking.”… “STOP IT! I CAN DO IT! I can do it by myself!”… “I want to drive. I know how.”… “Tie my shoes!”… (Loud for everyone to hear) “I don’t like that person!”…

 
-Things you might possibly hear from an 80 yr. old would be…. “I farted and it smells like tacos!”… “My poop is runny!”… “Something smells weird on my hand!”… “You’re funny looking.”… “STOP IT! I CAN DO IT! I can do it by myself!”… “I want to drive. I know how.”… “Tie my shoes!”… (Loud for everyone to hear) “I don’t like that person!”… And let’s be honest… No 8 yr. old OR 80 yr. Old EVER flushes the damn toilet!!

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Drunks and Toddlers!~ So many comparisons here it is almost scary. They both are slobbery, and almost always have food dribbled on their clothes. Often poop and pee in their pants and when they actually make it to a toilet, they never really make it IN the toilet. It usually ends up on the floor or wall or on the cat. You can never understand what they are saying to you. Unless of course you are also drunk… or a toddler. They are always running into things from the lack of paying attention. They both are really bad at dressing themselves, and UN dressing themselves. Sometimes they give up on the clothes thing altogether, and will just run around naked. They will literally fall asleep anywhere but in their own bed! Places like a shopping cart, the front yard, the side of the road. And in the end, all they really want is a friend… Oh, wait no, that’s just the alcoholic. All my kids really want is spongebob, cookies, and for our chihuahua to play dress up with them….

 

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So there you have it!! All the things that can be mistaken for a child. If you have any ideas of what can be mistaken for a child….put it in the comments. I LOVE to read what you all think.  Guess what???…I made a video for you! Cuz I Love ya! ❤

 

 

 

 

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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