Shit we do for our Kids!!!…

Having kids can suck sometimes! Not all the time…but sometimes. This does not mean I don’t love my kids okay. I do, but they can drive me absolutely 3 sides of crazy!! They can be real jerk faces sometimes. I guess we all can….but it’s worse when they came from your vagina and you let them suck on your tits so they wouldn’t die, and you do all this crap for them and they turn around and act like buttholes!! There are things that I do for my kids, that I never in my life thought I would have to do. EVER!! I never thought I would be wiping someone else’s ass other than my own. I never thought I would have to clean shit out of the crevices of my minivan because someone painted with their own shit inside of it. I never thought I would have actually been puked on straight in my mouth. I never thought I would have been pissed on in my bed, and just decide to sleep in it because I am too tired to get up. Well,…that last one I might have thought about….Vodka can make you do some crazy things!! 😉

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Anyway….as a mom of four…one of the things I can not stand and have never been able to stand is playdates!! I HATE them!! Maybe despise them is a better word. Why you ask?? I am not a social person. I do not join mommy groups and hang out in the mommy circles. When I had my first child, I did all the getting together with other moms bullcrap and realized how much I hate it. The problem is, I have these kids that always want to “get together” with their friends. Which means I have to “get together” with the parents. And I DO NOT want to get together!! I want to stay home and sit on my couch and watch re-runs.  I have no desire to sit for 3 hours with someone I barely know and try to come up with boring shit to talk about so my kid can sit in a room with another kid and fight about legos! Then when the kids start fighting, I’m dealing with this mom over here that thinks it’s all my kid’s fault. It probably is…but that’s beside the point. The point is, I didn’t want to be there anyway, and here I am looking at their stupid face, and I would rather be anywhere else.

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I know I sound like a complete asshole, but as I have said so many times before..I am an asshole. Just a really sensitive one. I am not so asshole..ish that I would tell the mother of this person I hate her face, but I really just don’t want to sit here and listen to her talk anymore.

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I would rather wipe 20 assess than have to sit for 3 hours so my kid can play/argue with some other kid, and have to deal with hanging out with people I have NO desire to hang out with. I do not want to get together with scrapbooking mommy bullshit! I did that!! I AM OVER IT!! It is not fun listening to the constant one upping of mom’s and listening to the “my kid does this and that better” and judging, judging, judging. I am  OVER IT!!

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Then you always have that one family….you know the one, that has the hoarding house and all the animals living in it, and you have NO IDEA who the parents are or what is going on, but of course THAT is the house that YOUR kid wants to go to ALL THE TIME!!! And they bug you and bug you constantly. “Can I go to joe’s house?…PLEASEEEEE, why can’t I go?” I want to say, because that is the nastiest house I have ever seen, and the parents scare the fuck out of me….but I can’t say that to my kid. Yet they won’t stop friggin bugging me about it. Instead I lie my ass off about reasons my kid can’t go to joe’s.

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Here’s the thing… why do we need to get our kids together for playdates anyway? Why do I have to deal with some shmuck I would never ever talk to because my kid wants to play with their kid. Play dates were not a thing when I was growing up. It was called go outside! Now the truth is my parents had no fucking clue where we were most of the time. We handled the playdate bullshit on our own. I went door to door of my friends houses and asked if they could play. It was either a yes or no.

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I realize this is coming off as selfish. And it is selfish I guess.  It’s more because I don’t want to have to hang out with people. Just because my kid likes some kid, doesn’t mean I am going to like the parents of that kid. Just because I have kids, doesn’t mean I have any desire to do all that mommy crap. I don’t want to go to birthday parties and baby showers. I just don’t!! Does anybody really even remember their birthday parties as a kid. I mean do they? I have had the big birthday parties for my kids, and I can tell you my oldest daughter who is now 22 can’t even remember the damn little mermaid party I spent 300 dollars on putting together for her. I went all out, and made it a big shindig, and she doesn’t even remember it. That cake looked like the fucking ocean and it had a mermaid coming out of it. How do you forget that!!

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Oh well…I guess add it to the list of “shit we do for our kids!!”

 I haven’t made a new video in a few weeks due to the “People of My Vagina!”  They just keep asking for things…like “Mom, I’m hungry,…or MOM I need to go to school!” Crap like that…..So here is an older video that I made and you can check it out if you like!! Have a great day!

Kumbaya Motherfuckers!~

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Wild Animals or Children….you decide!!

Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of kids and thought to yourself… is this a group of kids… or a pack of wild animals? I have had that thought more times than I can tell you. I have 4 kids…. so I have my very OWN pack of wild animals. Anyway, this got me thinking about comparisons. If you actually think about it… when it comes to kids, there are so many comparisons to other things that you can make. I started to write out a list…. and the list just kept going and going. There really are so many things that can be mistaken as children.

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Like for instance babies and dogs! We put them both in cages because there is always that chance that they are going to take off when you aren’t looking. They sit there and look at you with big eyes like please don’t leave me in here. You talk to them in a high pitched stupid voice and say things that don’t make sense. Babies and dogs look at you like you are an idiot because they have NO clue what you are saying to them. Then other people stare at you like you’re the freak, as if they’ve never done it before. Dogs and children poop at the most inconvient times EVER. They embaress you in public by attracting unwanted attention due to loud screaming/barking. They often stink and can be extremely naughty. They both have squeeky toys that you will for sure end up stepping on in the middle of the night. They DO NOT clean up after themselves, and they both have puked on my carpet. And yet, after all the times you think you are crazy for having one, you always want another.

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Little boys and dinosaurs!~ Not to generalize little boys, because I do believe that little girls can also be compared to dinosaurs. I am just speaking from experience with my little boy. The comparisons here are almost identical. Have you ever seen a little boy eat? Then you know EXACTLY how a velociraptor looked when it would eat. They both attack their food. Not just eat it… but kill it. You know, mangle it to death. Half the food ends up on the floor, and the other half on top of their head. They both make the most awful noises. Seriously, the screeches and shrieks and growls that come from my little boy is probably what killed the dinosaurs off!!! They both have a tendency to bite. You have to watch your fingers around them. Neither one likes to brush their teeth or take a bath….. And like the babies and dogs…. they both can and do often stink!

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Little girls and kitties!~ Again… I do not want to generalize all girls. I have 3 girls and I am speaking from experience with my littlest one. She is the one that has a tendency to be very much like a kitty. When it comes to little girls and kitties, you can be hugging them and snuggling with them, having a fun time, not knowing that any moment, they will change and attack. They do that little stalk thing, and then when you least expect it… they pounce. Then you turn around and look at them and they are staring at you like they did NOTHING!! Looking at you like YOU are the one with the problem… even though they just scratched out your eyeballs. They also both have the ” you are THE MOST stupid person on the planet and how can you possibly wear that outfit in public” look! They will flash you the “look” and you just know that you suck. They also can be fluffy and cute and cuddly!

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8 yr. olds and 80 yr. olds!~ Let’s face it… they both are missing filters. I have never met an 8 yr. old or an 80 yr. old that has a filter.

 

 
-Things you might possibly hear from and 8 yr. old would be…. “I farted and it smells like tacos!”… “My poop is runny!”… “Something smells weird on my hand!”… “You’re funny looking.”… “STOP IT! I CAN DO IT! I can do it by myself!”… “I want to drive. I know how.”… “Tie my shoes!”… (Loud for everyone to hear) “I don’t like that person!”…

 
-Things you might possibly hear from an 80 yr. old would be…. “I farted and it smells like tacos!”… “My poop is runny!”… “Something smells weird on my hand!”… “You’re funny looking.”… “STOP IT! I CAN DO IT! I can do it by myself!”… “I want to drive. I know how.”… “Tie my shoes!”… (Loud for everyone to hear) “I don’t like that person!”… And let’s be honest… No 8 yr. old OR 80 yr. Old EVER flushes the damn toilet!!

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Drunks and Toddlers!~ So many comparisons here it is almost scary. They both are slobbery, and almost always have food dribbled on their clothes. Often poop and pee in their pants and when they actually make it to a toilet, they never really make it IN the toilet. It usually ends up on the floor or wall or on the cat. You can never understand what they are saying to you. Unless of course you are also drunk… or a toddler. They are always running into things from the lack of paying attention. They both are really bad at dressing themselves, and UN dressing themselves. Sometimes they give up on the clothes thing altogether, and will just run around naked. They will literally fall asleep anywhere but in their own bed! Places like a shopping cart, the front yard, the side of the road. And in the end, all they really want is a friend… Oh, wait no, that’s just the alcoholic. All my kids really want is spongebob, cookies, and for our chihuahua to play dress up with them….

 

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So there you have it!! All the things that can be mistaken for a child. If you have any ideas of what can be mistaken for a child….put it in the comments. I LOVE to read what you all think.  Guess what???…I made a video for you! Cuz I Love ya! ❤

 

 

 

 

YOU might be a Mom if…

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever been peed on while you were asleep and just slept in it until morning…

 
If you have ever pulled poop out of someone’s ass because it was stuck…( or you could be Bobby Brown)

 
If you have ever had to say ” NO, you can not play with my tampons!”

 

 

YOU might be a mom if.….

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You have ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat a snickers.

 

 

If you have ever had to clean up shit soup because someone shit in the bathtub when they were taking a bath.

 
If you have ever used your spit to clean off someone else’s face

 
If you have ever worn maternity clothes, and you were not pregnant.

 
If you have ever pissed, shit, showered, plucked, shaved, or changed a kotex in front of a live audience!

 
If you have ever sat and watched Spongebob or Doc Mcstuffins without anyone under the age of 10 in the room.

 
If you have ever sucked on a pacifier or bottle nipple after it fell on the floor of Walmart…

 
If you have ever caught someone else’s puke as it was coming out of their mouth.

 
If you have ever had shit, boogers, piss, or puke on you that did not come from you.

 
If you have ever looked at a picture of a line with a circle on it and went on like it was a masterpiece.

 
If your tits have ever been referred to as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midday snacks….

 

 

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You piss your pants every time you sneeze, laugh, jump, clear your throat, or even just talk….or maybe that’s just me….

 
If you have ever had to put medicine in someone’s butt crack.

 
If you have ever begged, pleaded, and even used bribes of candy, toys, and anything you can think of to get someone to shit in a toilet instead of in their pants…

 
If you have ever eaten someone else’s leftover grilled cheese even though it’s slightly wet…

 
If you have ever smelled pee, poop, or puke and all of a sudden become a bloodhound going on a sniffing search for the offending smell through the house…

 
If you have ever seen a brown smudge and you are not sure if it’s chocolate or poo and you momentarily think about taste checking it.

 
If you have ever crawled through a nasty ball pit, or bouncy house looking for a sock…

 
If you have ever sat WILLINGLY at a kid’s birthday party watching a bunch of kids screaming, and yelling picking their noses and running around.

 
If you have ever had to schedule time to wash your pits

 
YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever had to question someone about why they are smelling their fingers.

 
If you have ever caught yourself singing ” backpack, backpack”…in your head, or just randomly..

 
If you have ever walked around for the better part of the day with a cheerio stuck to your ass.

 
If you have ever been having a conversation with another adult and you say ” Excuse me but I have to go potty!”

 
If you have ever considered actually wearing your underwear inside out rather than doing laundry…

 
If you have ever bought the Costco size pop tarts.

 
If you have ever sat there and let your kids draw pictures on your legs with markers because it feels like a massage…( or maybe that’s just me)…

 
If you have ever made your kid wear a coat because YOU were cold…

 
If your kid tells you they don’t feel good, and your answer to them 76% of the time is this ” did you poop today?”…

 
YOU might be a mom if.

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If you have ever thrown away toys and when your kid asks where it is…you flat out lie straight to their face with no regrets….

 
If you have ever been eating your dinner and had to stop to wipe someone’s ass.

 
If going to Walmart ALONE is considered a mini vacation for you.

 
If the hair on your legs have gotten so long you could start braiding it.

 
If you have ever been able to have a full on conversation over a screaming toddler…

 
If you have ever had to sit and talk to other people that you can’t stand, but you do it anyway because your kid wants to play with their kid…

 
If you have ever worn the same clothes for a week even though you know there is boogers and or puke on them from someone else.

 
If you have ever had to say this before: ” Get your hand out of your pants!”…Side note: this can also applies to husbands!

 

 
If you ever been crouched down behind a washing machine, or a dresser just to eat a reeses in peace.

 
If you have ever been referred to as the ruin-er of lives….or the sucker of all fun! side note: this generally occurs when your people reach those precious teenage years!

 

If you have ever pretended to be asleep so you don’t have to get the screaming kid….Oh wait….that means you might be a DAD!…

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Just Kidding

 

Look…I made a new video… 🙂

 

 

 

 

September 3rd Bitches…

My kids are going to back to school next week. September 3rd is the first day back to school. Now listen…I don’t want to come across as a complete jerk here, but I might. I was the mom that cried on the first day of school for all my kids. Starting with my oldest who is now in college, down to my youngest who started kindergarten last year. I bawled!! I stood at the door and bawled as I watched my baby go in the classroom. It was hard. I knew I would miss them and it is also a sign that they are now getting older and becoming more independent and all of that. Even though inside I know it’s a good thing, it still was heart wrenching. It took me about 3 days to realize how stupid I am!! 😉 I was able to do Zumba without having to stop even once. I have NEVER been able to do Zumba without having to stop to help someone with something. It was a miracle. So I was thinking about how school is getting ready to start and decided to write the top ten things I will be doing on the the first day of school. It’s always good to be organized.

 
1) I will pee and poop all on my own. I’m not sure I will be able to manage it considering I have had an audience all summer long, but I’m going to try. The one thing I may miss from having the audience is the moment when you realize there is NO toilet paper, and usually there is someone hanging around the bathroom that can get me some. That could be a problem…but I’ll take it.

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2) I will drink my coffee in silence. Pure silence….One sip, then another. I won’t have to worry about someone holding drippy yucky hands over my cup and dripping who knows what in my coffee.

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3) I will eat a Reeses for lunch straight out in the open. I will not duck behind the washing machine or hide in the closet like some kind of animal. I will proudly and openly eat my Reeses. The dog will be judging me with his judgy dog eyes, but I will NOT CARE!

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4) I will pick up the legos, and half of them will accidentally fall into the trash. Shhh…Those bitch legos are getting what they deserve!! No more stabbing me in the foot every time I walk across the floor!! Those bitches are going down….literally…like in the bottom of the trash kind of down…

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5) I will take a nap!…maybe…I don’t know sometimes I feel weird sleeping in the house when I’m alone. I might have to make sure there is no killer weirdos on the loose or something first….

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6) I will go grocery shopping BY MYSELF!! No kids hanging off the cart asking for every damn thing, putting things in the cart that I didn’t even know were there, having to take someone to the nasty public restroom every 3 seconds. I will put chocolate in the cart without the fear that they saw it and are going to steal it from me. I am BAD ASS!!

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7) I will watch Doc Mcstuffins instead of Dora because Dora sucks ass. I keep telling these kids that Doc Mcstuffins is better, but they want Dora. Well,…they’re not here now so guess what?! I’m watching Doc!…..suckas…

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8) I will dance all over the damn house with the music blaring really bad songs like Eminem, or Macklemore. The more cuss words the better…

9) I will take a shower AND shave my legs. I might need an industrial razor to get through this forest, …but Imagine this….a full shower…woop!

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10) I will laugh the most evil laugh….just because. I will just sit here and laugh maniacally. The dog will think I am crazy, and if anyone does break in they will definitely think I am crazy…but that’s okay!!

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So there is my To Do List for September 3rd. I am ready. To be honest…there are also the things I will miss. I will miss my little boy coming in to the room every morning and snuggling up next to me while his hair tuffs poke me in the eye. I will miss laying on the trampoline with the kids at night looking at the stars in the sky. I will miss not having to be anywhere at any certain time!! I will miss  the late nights with my daughters staying up until 3 in the morning talking about nonsense. I will miss making smores at 10 oclock at night on the grill because it’s still light out. I will miss playing zombie tag in the middle of the day…just because. So now I’m crying. I guess I’m not as Bad Ass as I think. BUT I will enjoy the chocolate….

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“Ooops…my balls fell out…”

It is summertime. There are things I LOVE about summer, and then things I do not love about summer. One of those things that may not be my favorite is the boredom factor of my children. I get a lot of that “I’m bored, there’s nothing to do” crap. As I am sure all of you fellow moms have heard at least 5 million times already. I have the backyard pool set up and then of course there is the trampoline, and there is their bikes, and they always have outside…with the sunshine. But I understand…they are bored! Anyway, this post isn’t about my children’s boredom. One of the things that I LOVE about summer is the time that we have to just sit around and do nothing. Which ultimately is the reason for my children’s boredom, but the very thing I LOVE about summer. I love not having full schedules of having to be places on time…because I am allergic to being places on time. I am one of those people…it’s really hard for me. I know that one day my children will come to appreciate the boredom. They will long for the days when they had nothing to do but enjoy having nothing to do. But until that day comes…there will be a lot of “I’m boreds”. With summer come’s staying up later, and sleeping in longer. Something I am perfectly okay with. This is me embracing the lazy girl that lives within me. We are BFF’s…me and the lazy girl that is me. ( I hope that made some shred of sense.) The other night, 2 of my daughters and I were having  just one of those wonderful summer evenings. It was late, the little ones were in bed, the husband was in bed, and the 2 oldest girls and I were up just chatting away the night. I love evenings like this because all kinds of fun subjects come up. We talk about everything. I have always tried very hard to keep communication open with my kids. I want them to know that they can tell me ANYTHING and I will not freak out on them. No matter what it is. I might be freaking out on the inside, but trying to stay calm on the outside.  I have said to them even if I do not like what they tell me, or agree with what they are telling…I still want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything. I believe strongly in open communication because how will I ever be able to help them if they don’t even feel like they can be honest with me. I prefer them to tell me, rather than not talk to me about what is going on in their head or in their life. So let me start by saying I was a pre-teen girl…so I get it. I really do. When you’re the mom in the pre-teen scenario…things change though. You are coming at it from a different place now. I am looking at my little girl, who is now growing into a woman. There is that bittersweet aspect that comes in. I don’t want her to grow up, yet at the same time am enjoying this beautiful young girl she is becoming. Side note- NOT enjoying the pre-teen attitude AT ALL though! See…I remember starting my period. My mom was like…” eh…throw this pad in your underwear and you’ll be fine.” That was it! She didn’t even give me a complimentary Hershey bar with it. I decided when my daughter starts her period, I was going to be all Super Mom and come in with my cape on…a bag of chocolate, and ready to teach her all about life. butttt… I was not so ready for the actual moment when my first daughter started hers. I knew we might be getting close to the time when nipples starting popping out and she told me curly hair is starting to grow on her hoohaw. I had talked to her about periods, and told her kind of what to expect, but nothing really prepares you for the real moment of “Mom…I have blood in my underwear.” It’s a weird moment. I wanted to cry, and had some weird stuff happening. The feeling of  losing my “baby” and yet wanting to be here and help her and have her follow my lead so she isn’t scared. My oldest daughter started her period smack dab in the middle of Walmart! Yep. I couldn’t make that up if I wanted to folks. What better place to start your period anyway, I mean….you’ve got lots of choices here….pads, or tampons..or even adult diapers if you want to go that route….plus you can grab some ibuprofin if needed….and then be sure and hit the chocolate aisle. So by the time my second daughter started..I was a little more prepared. I explained the deal to her, and it seemed like it went a little smoother. Not a lot smoother but a little. Anyway, so the other night the girls and I are chatting it up about this and that, and friends, and school, and boys, and all other kinds of things going on in a pre-teen girls life. My oldest daughter was chatting about her high school days, and my 12 yr. old comes in with… “I have a question?”

 

Me: “Okay…ask away?”

 

The 12 yr. old:-“So when I was in school, they were teaching us about puberty and all the stuff that is going to change in our bodies, and they were talking about boys having balls. They said that when their balls drop, that is when puberty starts. So I think that is gross, and what do they do with their balls after they drop? Do they have to throw them in the garbage? What if they fall out of their underwear?”

 

ME:
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Uhhhhhhh………O.O……..ummmm………O.o………..Uhhhhhhhh……

 
And then it hits. My older daughter is rolling on the floor in laughter, and I couldn’t help it either. My sweet 12 yr. old is asking me what boys do with their balls after they drop. I explained as best as I could about the ball situation. My oldest started with the jokes….

 

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“So what if you were standing behind some kid in the lunch line and his balls fell out and you stepped on them.”~

 

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 “Have you seen random balls in garbage cans lately?”~

 

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” That must be what the hole in boy’s underwear is for…so the balls can just fall out after they “drop”.”~

 

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The 12 yr. old- ” I hope I have never stepped on someones balls before and not known it because ewww.”~

 

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” I bet they could use them to play golf with after they “drop” out.”

 

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Side Note – This is the child that informed me of the proper way to open deodorant. Yep….I have been doing it wrong for over 25 plus years. She comes in while I am clawing at the plastic thing on the top of the new deodorant and I can’t get the damn thing off, and she says “Check it out Mom….if you roll the dial at the bottom..it just easily comes right off.” Sure enough! …Summer just doesn’t get better than this folks!

 

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Assholes, Popcorn, and Benedict… ( spoiler alert!)

The people that came from my vagina had an idea.

 
Them: “Hey mom…let’s go watch the new Star Trek! We really want to see it and the amazing Benedict Cumberbatch is in it so we HAVE  TO! Come on mom…let’s go watch it!”

 
Me: “Yeah but I hate going to the movies. It always ends up being a crappy experience for me.”

 
Them: “AWW come on mom…BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH..!!!! ”

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Me: “Fine….but we’re smuggling in our drinks because I would have to hawk  my wedding ring to afford those prices. And we’re smuggling in some mike and ike’s too….”

Side Note- If you’re going to smuggle in cans of soda, it’s always best to choose a movie with explosions because you need that exact moment to be able to pop the top. If you’re watching a romance and all of a sudden you hear…KKkcchssssssss..clink clink…then everyone knows you just opened a pop can and you’re busted!

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So we stuff our bag with some goodies, and head to the theater. Standing in a FOREVER line because EVERYBODY wants to watch the Man of Steel. I have people literally setting up camp in my ass crack because they somehow think that will put them closer to superman! BACK THE FUCK UP!!! Superman is NOT in my ass crack so calm the frick down. As I am listening to everyone getting their ticket, I keep repeating what I will say…Star Trek, 7:45 showing , Star Trek, 7:45 showing…I get up to the window…

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “What movie ma’am?”

….and of course I forget because every single person in front of me is like “OH MY GOD….man of steel, man of steel.”

Me: “Um….well…..”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “What movie ma’am?”

Me: “Star Trek, 7:45…yeah, that’s it.”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “Okay 9:45.”

Me: “Yeah but I wanted the 7:45….”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “Yes ma’am. I know. The price is $9.45…”

Me: “Ohhhhhh yeahhhhh….O.O”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: *insert eye roll…

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FINALLY got my ticket, and here we go. But first we have to make our way through the horde of people in the popcorn line. These people are like ravenous crazy people. They are pushing through each other like they have been in a desert somewhere that didn’t allow popcorn, and now they finally got some and they must shovel it into their faces by the handful because they may never get their hands on it again. Calm down folks. Plus I think that “buttery substance” they drizzle on the top is actually a brain implant that they are using to keep track of everyone and plant subliminal messages inside of their heads. Obviously I watch entirely too much science fiction. Off to watch Star Trek we go!

the popcorn line

Another side note- If you are going to smuggle in food, do not choose the gigantic bag of cool ranch doritos. You will surely get caught. As we are standing there, 2 movie greeter people approach a guy who CLEARLY has a big bag of doritos stuffed in his coat and let him know that under no circumstance is he allowed to take chips in the theater….unless of course he wants to buy the nachos that they sell there. The 24 dollar nachos!!! 1st thing is, dude, if you are going to smuggle food, you need something better than just your coat. Like a man purse or even a satchel. Second problem with this….if it’s a bag of chips, again you are going to need a movie with lots of action or yelling because they are going to here that crinkle crinkle rip as you open it up. Nachos don’t make that sound. So if you have a bag of chips and try and open them with that crinkle sound, of course the theater nazis will come rushing in yelling “We don’t sell doritos here….OUT with you…OUT!” and nobody wants that.

Mature Man Eating Potato Chips in Movie Theater Auditorium

We get into the theater and it’s not too packed so we get seats right smack dab in the middle. Woo Hoo! We sit down, and all of a sudden the mass of people start to rush in the door. Running up the stairs like bulls running through spain. People racing to seats, and tripping in the aisles. Holy fuck people…there are enough seats for everybody, chill out. MAJOR PET PEEVE in a movie theater….I can not stand it when the person that is sitting behind me props their nasty, dirty shoes right up next to my head! Um…excuse me ass wipe, but I am sitting here, and I do not want you putting your dirty shoes that you stepped in dog poop with, and to clean them all you did was wipe them off in grass, then you used at least 3 public toilets, and stepped in gum, plus took the elevator that some schmo pissed in, and now you are going to put those nasty things right next to my head. NOPE…don’t think so. It’s RUDE! You are not sitting on your couch….this is not your bed, so sit the fuck up like a normal person and get your damn shoes off my chair! Then you always have the human giraffe that sits directly in front of you. Or the lady that purchased the as seen on tv bump it and decided to do her hair all up nice and high for the movie tonight.

hair1

I made the mistake of wearing flip flops because something crawled across my foot and I flipped out. I still don’t know what it was….but I jumped, and took my foot out of the flip flop which ended up actually touching the ground. BIG MISTAKE! MY friggin foot was stuck to something on the floor. Whatever was on the floor was so sticky, I could not get my foot out of it. The movie hadn’t even started yet, and all I wanted to do was take a shower. And why are the arm rests always sticky too? What the hell are people doing in these things!!! Here we are waiting for the movie to start, watching a dancing hot dog on the screen and the fuck-face behind me is making the grossest noises imaginable. Obviously this guy has a cold, or some other horrible disease so he figured… “Oh..I’m too sick to go out, so I’ll just go to the movies and infect everybody there!”…If you sneeze on me dude, that hotdog on the screen won’t just be dancing…it will be in your ass!!! The movie finally starts and it was all “Captain Kirk” and “Never trust a vulcan” and “You should have let me sleep”….and total awesomeness! Why is their always a guy that thinks every line in the movie is funny. Seriously this guy laughed through the scene where Captain Kirk died. Um…sorry….I didn’t mean to give that away. SPOILERS!  I have decided that even though I loved the movie, going to the actual movies is just not worth it. The person that invented NETflix is brilliant!!

Recipes for the Seriously Shitty cook!

Let me start this by saying I suck at things. Not everything….but when it comes to making people food…I really, really suck! Like, immensely suck. I am not good at the whole…making dinner and sitting at the table to have a wonderful sit down, “thing.” I have read blogs, and articles upon articles of  how to become more organized and have structure. I lack structure at an extreme level. I am the first to admit that I have this issue. I go through periods of trying to be more structured and have meal times and bed times and all of that crap…I am just not good at it. Listen, we all have our things, right? Well, maybe not…it could just be me. When my kids are hungry, I feed them. When they are tired , they lay down. I’m just not good at designated times for things. I do not let my kids eat ice cream for breakfast….although I wrote a whole post about my sucky breakfast making skills and you can read that HERE: I am not so sure that eating ice cream for breakfast is really any different than having chocolate milk for breakfast. I used to read Martha Stewart blogs and try so hard to achieve that bullshit. It’s just not who I am. I am really good at hugging and snuggling my kids. Tickling my kids and reading to them. I just am not good at having schedules for every damn thing they do. I also am not good at dusting. Which is why I refuse to have nick knacks floating around my house…because I friggin hate dusting and I am not going to spend my life dusting some shelf full of unicorns and butterflies. My decor is more reminiscent of a day care center sadly. The only pictures on my walls are usually put up with tape, and remain at the mid level of the entire house. It works for me because another thing I really suck at is hanging pictures. I have all the intentions in the world to do it…but it just never happens. So I was thinking about how you can find a shit load of recipes on line and in books for mom’s that don’t have time, or that aren’t that great in the kitchen. But can you find recipes that are realistic. I mean…for the really shitty cook. Like I am talking….Super shitty cook here!!! That is me! I’ve never actually read an entire recipe all the way through. I usually get bored about half way through it and when it starts having things like all spice and turmeric, then I lose interest. So I have a compilation of some ideas here for the really, super shitty cook:

First of all let’s talk about staples. They are a must for the super crappy cook. There are certain things you must always have on hand. Always have the Gigantor Costco container of Pop tarts. There is no way you can get through a week without this staple. There are those days when the kids are like…” I’m hungry”…and you just got out of bed, walk to the kitchen to realize that some schmo forgot to pick up coffee at the store even though you called them and texted them 5 times that they needed to pick up coffee but did they remember?….NO! Well, the only option you have at this point just to make it through the morning is to pull out the gigantor box of pop tarts. They may not get them toasted though. Come on, don’t judge me….we are talking NO coffee here!

gigantor2

Another staple to always have on hand is Hot Pockets…also known as Diarrhea Pockets. Listen…I am NOT an advocate of these nasty things…but sometimes…it just has to be. Just make sure you are near a toilet when you ingest this product. Trust me…

toilet-sign

Okay here is a few go to recipes that I use because I can NOT cook to save my life. In other words….if I ever get lost out in the woods…I am bear food!!

So we have Cereal and Milk: You really want 60% cereal to 40% milk because if you do the 50% cereal and 50% milk…you will surely end up with too much milk at the end and then you have the choice of having to get up to go and get more cereal (unless you thought ahead and brought the box with you)…or you drink the milk straight out of the bowl. It’s just easier to get it right the first time and do the 60/40. It works out to be 100% goodness in the end.

cereal

Again another staple that is really good to have around is the gigantor costco box of oatmeal. It has lots of different flavors to choose from. Kids are hungry….you actually have some coffee so your day is going pretty good, you figure you could get out the apron this morning and go for the Big Box of oatmeal. You add some water…pop that shit in the micro, and set it for 2 minutes. When it beeps….you have yourself a full fledged meal! The best part about it is..why just have apples and cinnamon when you can add in some maple brown sugar to the mix and have a party in your tummy!

oatmeal

There is always the traditional Peanut butter and Jelly, but on occasion, I like to get a little crazy with it and put in some bananas. Now you added some fruit and that shit just got bumped up to healthy! woop.

peanut_butter_and_jelly_sandwich

I always have graham crackers laying around somewhere, and for some reason marshmallows always end up in my cupboard too. You better believe on any occasion you could find chocolate in my house. You might find it stashed in some strange places…but you will always find it. Maybe hiding on the bottom of my junk drawer, or in the back of my sock drawer, ..or possibly between my mattress, or even under my bed to name a few. We also have that stash in the medicine cabinet, oh and that corner right under the stairs that no one ever notices, plus…um….the husbands underwear drawer. Listen…before you judge me, NO ONE is going in his underwear drawer so that is where the condoms hang out, and my extra stash of chocolate! Anyway… I am sure you all can figure out that these ingredients come together to form Heaven on Earth!!! That’s right….Smores bitches!! You got some smores with this! Seriously….just eat this how ever you want because it doesn’t even matter. Some people feel like you have to heat up the marshmallow and put it all in a neat little sandwich. I am more of a just eat it right out of the bag kind of girl.

smores

Another staple I usually keep around is cheese. This is basically because the dude I am married to will eat cheese IN and/ or ON anything. No exaggeration with this. The husband will take a hunk of cheese, slap a piece of bread around it…and eat it. That’s it….no sauce added, no lettuce put in…Just a hunk of cheese. He will put a hunk of cheese on bread, on spaghetti, on any tortilla, on a pop tart, on a cracker, on a bowl of rice, on a bowl of anything, on…okay, you get the idea. It doesn’t matter what this dude is eating…it has a hunk of cheese sitting right on the top of it.

These next recipes are really ridiculous. More for the “Daring Foodie” types in your life. You always have those people that love the sweet and salty mixture, right? So I thought of this one all on my own. You heat up your hot dogs….and throw some chocolate sauce right over the top. Now you have your dinner AND dessert all in one, and you get your sweet and salty fix. It sounds nasty… but you never know until you try. I haven’t tried this exact mixture myself…but I would. Due to it involving chocolate. I do not enjoy hot dogs….but throw some chocolate on that bitch and I AM IN!!

hotdog

This one is actually really really good, and I learned it from my 8 yr. old. He was taking a class at his school all about nutrition which ultimately made him realize how sucky I seriously am at cooking….but anyway, he was bringing home these recipes that even I could do. This one has literally 2 ingredients and is friggin delicious. You take 1 container of vanilla yogurt, and add in one cup of peanut butter. Mix it up and go to town on that shit. Dip anything you want in it. Veggies, fruit, chicken, ham, friggin bacon even. It really is good and pretty much idiot proof.

yummy

So I hope you enjoyed the recipes, and maybe found something you can use or that will benefit you. Yeah…I realize that is ridiculous…but I hope it was fun to read anyway. At least you know that without a doubt…YOU are a much better cook than I am! I may not be able to cook, but I can do the running man like nobody has ever seen before. I own that shit!!!

the-running-man-dance

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LOUISE ALLAN

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