My dog can be a jerk! He does things sometimes that drive me nuts!! I have not always been an animal person. When I was a very young child, I was bit in the face by a dog and needed to get stitches. So it put me off from the whole dog thing for many years.
And NOW….. now we have a chihuahua/doxey thing with eyebrows and sometimes he drives me batshit crazy. But you know what…. I have thought about it and to be honest, I think I would rather hang out with my dog than some people.
People can be assholes!! And I find that with dogs, you mostly can read them and get a pretty good idea of what they are giving off to you. With people though…. You sometimes just have NO idea what you are dealing with!!
So I put together some of the reasons that dogs are better than people!
It’s all in fun folks!!
Things I know my dog would never do:
1) He would never cheat on me with another owner. He would never send secret texts to someone saying things like “Will you rub my belly? And feed me those fancy dog treats you bought at Target? And BTW… you’re my favorite owner… heart emoji.” Of course it would be the heart emoji… probably followed by the poop emoji… My dog does have a love for poop.
2) He would never call me fat, or suggest I lose a few pounds! On the contrary, every time I go to the fridge, my dog seems very supportive of my choice. He really encourages me. He gives me that “Yeah… get the food… eat the food…. let’s both eat the food….. together…. we love food” look!
3) He would never spread rumors about me behind my back! He wouldn’t start talking to the dog next door and telling it all my secrets. Like “Hey Lucky…. my owners boobs are SO not perky!! I had to watch her change yesterday and I still can’t get the image out of my head! Um… don’t tell anyone I told you that okay?”..Blink, Blink, Blink…
4) He would never have a second life somewhere! Like a family somewhere else that has five kids in it, and he sneaks out at night when I think he is actually in his bed, but NO… he heads over to his other family and sleeps in the kids beds over there! I never let him sleep in the beds here so this is his way of getting back at me. (A cat though….. they might possibly have a second family… and maybe even a third and fourth. Especially if they are getting premium cat treats from them!)
5) Dogs never take offense to anything you say! You can say the meanest , grossest, nastiest thing to them, and they will still look at you wagging their tail. Try it!! Call them a piece of doodie, wet flip flop breath, garbage eating, diaper face and they will still stand there, wagging! They don’t care.
6) He wouldn’t borrow money from me and never repay it!!
7) He would never borrow my clothes and then ruin them, and when I ask for my sweater back give me some lame excuse saying he can’t find it, or he left it at a friend’s house. And then two days later I see a picture posted on Facebook with him wearing it!!
8) He would never blame my mood on “That time of the month!.”
9) He would never wake up one day and all of a sudden decide he doesn’t want to be a dog anymore. His true self that he identifies with is a cat. He would never say to me… “Please do not refer to me as dog… I am now a cat and I would appreciate you respecting my choice on this!! Do not force me to sleep in that disgusting dog bed! Please do not force me to keep pooping out doors like some kind of barbarian! I would prefer a litter box now! This is my choice and I would appreciate for you to respect it!”
Listen okay… There is nothing wrong with being a cat. I have always believed that cats should have the same equal rights that dogs have. I am just saying that it would change the dynamics of our relationship if he decided to one day not be a dog anymore. I mean… I wanted a dog…. so…
10) He would never go into the fridge and take out the Tupperware bowl that is CLEARLY marked “MY LEFTOVERS! DO NOT TOUCH” and then eat them anyway.
Actually… he probably would do that if he had thumbs and could open the fridge….
And come to think of it, he would also take it upon himself to shit right in the middle of my floor… for no reason at all! And he would pee right on my carpet and walk away like nothing. He would also bark incessantly at the neighbors until they are giving me dirty looks and flipping me off. Now that I think about it… he’s a real asshole!!