Have you ever been standing in line somewhere, and you have been waiting already for a damn long time, and out of nowhere the person in front of you notices a friend of theirs that they haven’t seen in a while. The friend comes over and they start gabbing and laughing and going on and on, and you are standing there just wanting this line to move up so you can get on with your life. The line starts moving but because these two are talking about old times, they do not notice the moving line and keep laughing and jabbering on. There is a big space between the person in front of you and the person in front of them. Now mind you, you have been waiting for what feels like three years at this point! Now these two people are sitting here, having a reunion and NOT moving up!! You momentarily think about just jumping right in front of them to keep the line moving. You then try all the usual techniques of trying to get a point across to someone without actually saying anything. Like staring really hard at the open spot. Looking at them, and then at the spot, and then at them again, and then the spot!! You think “Maybe if I make some noises, they will realize that I’m here waiting.” So, you proceed to make a series of coughs and sighs and clearing throat noises, maybe some moose calls or some mating geese noises, just to make sure they hear you. Finally they very slowly start to move up. At this point you already know all about how this lady has a two year old and got fired from her job, and her asshole husband never helps around the house. You finally make it almost to the destination of the customer service window that you have been waiting for… and this bitch in front of you asks if her friend can jump in line since she is already there!!!! WHAT??!!! Those people…. they are DEAD TO ME!!!
A while back I wrote a post RIGHT HERE about all the people and things that are dead to me! This is how I deal with the bullshit that drives me insane! I just kill it with my mind. It works too!! Anything that is absolutely making you crazy… kill it!! I mean, don’t really kill it! But kill it, bury it in your backyard, and be done with it! My backyard at this point is nothing more than a big ass grave full of dead shit. For instance…
Walking into a public restroom, and there is a group of girls in there. One of them is clearly upset about something and the others are consoling her. As I walk in, they look at ME like I’m the asshole for intruding! Well, excuse me that I have to pee!! I’m so sorry to barge in on your love fest, but my bladder is going to explode and this does happen to be the place that is designated for leaving your piss. I could piss in the hallway… but I don’t want to. So you know what….. you’re all DEAD TO ME!!! And now that you are all dead to me, … I can pee in peace!
Anyone who starts a sentence with “I’m not trying to be mean BUT”, or “Oh my gosh, you got a haircut?? but it was SO PRETTY before”, …or “When did you start wearing purple. I am just not used to seeing you wear colorful clothing. It’s weird”… or “You have really gotten gray since the last time I saw you…are you not using Clairol anymore?”. DEAD TO ME!!!
Whoever it is that keeps taking showers in the bathrooms at Walmart, and leaving the sinks so damn wet that no matter how hard you try to keep from getting your shirt wet, you still end up looking like you just walked out of a wet t-shirt contest…. you are DEAD TO ME!!
The following types of toilet paper: Thin, public school toilet paper, because it basically means I’ll be wiping with my bare hand. Toilet paper that shreds as you wipe, because you are suppose to be cleaning my ass, not decorating it with bits of TP confetti. Toilet paper that breaks off every square as you try to get it off the roll because it means that you are in the bathroom ten years too long, causing your friend to look at you funny when you finally return to them. Toilet paper, you are DEAD TO ME!! I will continue to use you, because I have to, …but you are still DEAD TO ME!! And seriously toilet paper, you have ONE job… Can you please just do your damn job!! Dead to me…
My television remote is Dead to me!! It’s actually been dead for a while now, and I keep forgetting to buy the right kind of batteries at the store. Dammit..
I have a dishwasher. Does it wash the dishes??.. Not really! The silverware always ends up coming out with crap stuck to it, and the glasses are all spotted up with water spots. And if anyone eats nachos or oatmeal, ..that shit is stuck on the dishes for DAYS!! So I will generally scrub the dishes before I even put them in the dishwasher….which makes no sense because it’s a DISH WASHER!! Anyway…., have you ever been standing there scrubbing the grime off of your dishes, and then you accidentally drop your rag or scrubber in the awful, disgusting, water that has food floating in it, and who knows what else, and then the water splashes up and gets you in the mouth, on the face, and down your shirt?! All of it…the water, ..the scrubber and most definitely the dishwasher,…. DEAD TO ME!!! In my backyard….DEAD!!
98.2 % of all Customer Service Reps are dead to me!! Now don’t get your panties in a bunch okay. The other day I posted on Facebook about how customer service reps are assholes, and I wondered if it is an actual job requirement. I had someone cuss me out hardcore over that. So I’m guessing they were a customer service rep! Anyway, …in my vast expereince of dealing with customer service reps….I have found that 98.2 % are mother fucking jerk face assholes! It’s the truth, so don’t get mad at me for pointing it out. And if you don’t like it because you are a customer service rep, ..then don’t be a mother fucking jerk face asshole, and nobody will think that about you! I too am an asshole, …but more of the sensitive kind. I’m a sensitive asshole! Shut up…they exist!! Anyway….I have killed off about 98.2% of customer service reps and buried them in my backyard!! DEAD TO ME!!!
This toy that Buster is trying to kill me with is DEAD TO ME!! And really truly in a grave!! That fucker is in the bottom of the trash bin at this very moment! shh…don’t tell the kids! (Look at Buster just sitting there waiting for me to step on that awful torture toy!! I know what you are up to Buster… I am on to you)
So there you have it! A revised version of You Are Dead To Me! I have never watched the show How to get away with Murder, but I have no doubt Viola Davis is amazing in it. And she is probably way more classy, and a much better consultant on murder than I ever could be, but if you are in a pinch, …and really need to “take care of something or someone”.. then you are welcome to use my technique, and kill off whatever or whoever you need to. But please use your own backyard to bury them because mine is getting really filled up! I do still have room for any Internet trolls that are going to say some rude shit. So if you plan on coming on here and saying something rude, ..just know that you are Dead To Me, ..and buried in my backyard fertilizing the flowers!