YOU are going to Die!!

You know what….let’s talk about death!! I know, I know, …it’s an extremely unpopular subject and doesn’t create happy inducing thoughts at all! But…. who cares!!

I was reading a Facebook post the other day from someone who decided to quit smoking because they didn’t want to die. Well… that’s awesome that you decided to quit smoking, Β but I have bad news for you… you are still going to die! Here is the thing….. Everything that is alive on this floating rock.. will die. EVERYTHING!!! As a matter of fact, ..I decided to put together a list for you of all the people that are going to die.

If you run 5 miles a day… you will die!

If you never exercise even 2 minutes of your life… you will die!

If you eat kale for breakfast lunch and dinner every single day… you will die!

If you eat doritos for breakfast , lunch and dinner…. you will die!

If you are an athlete that won a gold medal in the Olympics… you will die!

If you are a couch potato that watches Netflix 10 hours a day… you will die!

If you are fat… you will die!

If you are thin… you will die!

If you are straight… you will die!

If you are gay… you will die!

If you are vegan… you will die!

If you are a meat eater… you will die!

If you dance the tango… you will die!

If you drive a mini van… you will die!

If you have a tattoo… you will die!

If you put lotion on every day… you will die!

If you have purple/green/pink hair… YOU WILL DIE!!!


My point is…. it does not matter what the hell you do, … everything with life has the same destiny.. and that is death! So stop using your judgments as a way of trying to get people to live the way YOU think they should live. Nothing you do will save you from death! NOTHING! It literally comes down to a matter of how and when you will die. NO ONE can predict that. You can be the healthiest vegan around and run marathons on a regular basis, and still not be able to predict your death.


People die everyday from random things.


When I was a kid, I used to fear death so much. I didn’t even like talking about it because anxiety would fill my chest and I almost couldn’t breathe. I realized after a while that it really wasn’t the idea of death itself that bothered me so much, ..but the thought of not being around the people I love anymore.


We are the ones that make death such a negative thing. None of us really know if the actual journey of death is negative. We just assume it is. Myself…. I fear more the way I will die. I mean, ..nobody wants to die from something as lame as laying in your bed watching a marathon of The Housewives of New Jersey and eating cheddar cheese bratwurst, ..and as you are shoving the bratwurst in your face, it gets lodged in your throat. Now you are choking on it and no one is around to give you the Heimlichs…so that’s it! Your journey on this planet is done because of cheddar cheese bratwurst! And now whoever finds you will see that you were eating bratwurst in your bed while wearing underwear at 3:00 O clock in the afternoon. let’s not forget that whole dying on the toilet thing that Elvis did. The guy spent his life being the epitome of a sex symbol just to be found face down on a toilet with his soiled ass in the air!


Everyone wants an epic death. If you had a chance to be a Hero, and save a bunch of babies and puppies from a burning building, ..wouldn’t you choose that? Or picture this…..There is an asteroid the size of Texas headed towards Earth, and we only have 18 days until impact. When it does hit the Earth, the planet itself and all of its inhabitants will be obliterated. YOU are the only one that can save earth!! It’s between you and the love of your daughters life to hit the final button that will blow up an atomic bomb inside of the asteroid that will ultimately STOP the asteroid from hitting earth! …Instead of letting the boy that your daughter is madly in love with die, YOU push him out of the way and take his place…. um, …I’m talking about a movie aren’t I? I knew this story sounded familiar!! Well….if you could die like Bruce Willis being all heroic and what not… wouldn’t you? …( Armageddon Shoutout)


I’m just saying I think even scarier than death itself is HOW it will occur, and when, because we just don’t know.


So my point is… Do what you want. Eat what you want,…Wear what you want….and quit worrying about what other people think of you! Because not only will you die anyway, …they are also going to die! And no amount of kale will tell you when it’s going to happen. It sneaks up on all of us.


Instead…. do what makes YOU happy! Do what brings YOU joy. Do what makes YOU feel amazing. Find what YOU love and do that! Stop listening to what someone else thinks you should be doing.


Unless you happen to be a Vampire, your time on this rock is as fleeting as anyone else’s. The truth is, ..I have no desire to live as long as possible, How many people like hanging out with the 100 and over crowd! No one is banging down their doors to party with.


So maybe Peter Pan has the right idea…. To die would be an Awfully Big Adventure!



So Live now my friends… Be Happy!





25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Nov 17, 2014 @ 10:38:57

    Damn right, Vag!

    One point of contention though. Dumbasses tend to die younger thn non-Dumbasses – no matter their lifestyle. Dumbassery thins out the herd.


  2. Scott
    Nov 17, 2014 @ 11:34:21

    Agreed. As Peter Banning said, “What if it’s the pilot’s time to go?”


  3. REDdog
    Nov 17, 2014 @ 16:47:43

    My Uncle was an athlete who was physically stronger than his 56 years and had never smoked or drunk alcohol and led a quiet, sedate life then one day received a diagnosis of leukemia, 2 weeks later he was as dead as George Dubya’s personality. No one saw that coming. On the other hand, I’ve been in 13 motor vehicle accidents (5 roll overs) and had countless close calls including (unbelievably) being kicked in the helmet by a giant kangaroo who, at the last second, thought better of trying to occupy the same bit of highway as me and my Harley. What’s my point? That no matter how you live your life, and no matter how hard you are to kill, Vagina’s always right!


    • Vagina
      Nov 17, 2014 @ 17:11:10

      Oh REDdog!!! All the reasons I love you! ❀ I agree completely that we have no idea what will end up taking us in the end and so you might as well do what makes you happy! I am sorry to hear about your Uncle! It sounds like you have a very positive understanding of it all.

      And you are already ahead of the game because you understand the all knowing properties of the Vagina! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰


      • REDdog
        Nov 17, 2014 @ 17:17:36

        That’s right Vag, you are both omniscient and omnipotent and damn near omnipresent…pretty close to being just like the Big Guy there.

      • Vagina
        Nov 17, 2014 @ 17:20:24

        hahahaha… ALL the things!!!! Thank you REDdog! Your comment made my night!!

      • REDdog
        Nov 17, 2014 @ 17:22:21

        I wrote about you…and some others…lemme know if you think I went too far.

      • Vagina
        Nov 18, 2014 @ 18:15:24

        I will head over and check it out tonight!! Never worry about going too far! Speak from what’s inside of you and it will always be the right thing to do. PLUS it takes a lot to freak me out… πŸ˜‰

      • REDdog
        Nov 18, 2014 @ 18:17:45

        Yeah Vag, I get the impression you’re the resilient type. It’s one of things about your writing I find extremely alluring, that and the “calling it as you see it” thing you’ve got going on. Love your shit!

  4. lisaeggs
    Nov 17, 2014 @ 23:01:31

    Heather, this is one of my favorite posts ever! I definitely had a f*ck-it-I’m-just-going-to-die-anyway type of week! Thank you for finding the humor in all of life’s shittiest shit!!!! Here’s hoping there’s something halfway decent out there after all of this craziness that is life!!!! I love Vagina forever!!!!! xoxoxoxo


    • Vagina
      Nov 18, 2014 @ 18:27:51

      YES!!!! Lisaeggs and Vagina FOREVER!!!!! πŸ™‚ ❀ I think writing this actually helped me to get through this last few weeks because it has been NUTS!!! I have been having bratty teenager issues with my bratty teenager…. -_-


  5. jblondie
    Nov 18, 2014 @ 02:16:39

    Fucking epic. This was great!!! I’ll tell you…if I had to go in any of those methods mentioned in your post I’d for sure want to AVOID people realizing I watch Real Housewives…how embarrassing! “Live and Let Live” Awesome post Vag. πŸ˜€


  6. Joy Christi (@ComfyTownChroni)
    Nov 18, 2014 @ 07:02:44

    I love this post so hard I want to make out with it.
    I love your mention of kale. i’m not sure if you know how much i hate kale, but I hatey hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. If the only way I could avoid cancer is to eat kale, give me the chemo. Errrrytime.
    Too true about the judgement. It’s why I can’t spend a lot of time on Facebook. I’m over the parenting judgements, the “keep the Christ in Christmas’ and all that other crap. You know what I’m even over? The making fun of the people of Walmart and reality TV. And i don’t even LIKE those things. But I’m over all the Facebook dbags that try to convince everyone they’re better than that. Like that’s even a thing.
    If you could measure the quality of a person, to determine who is “better” why the fuck would TV shows even be involved? What the hell does that have to do with anything? If you ask my judgmental cousin, any TV show he doesn’t like is single-handedly responsible for the dumbing down of America. Why don’t you just turn the TV off and reading a fucking book? Go outside and talk to real people, then you’ll learn that hey, not every American speaks English. SHOCKER! It’s amazing what you can learn from things that aren’t on fucking TV, instead of just blasting everyone and everything you don’t like on Facebook. Then he had an epiphany about weight loss: He started eating better and exercising and lost weight! HOLY SHIT. He did this long post about not taking any pills or getting a personal trainer. What a fucking revolution you started. Fucking idiot. I know, I’m just as bad because I’m calling him an idiot, I never claimed to be a good person. I have severe Idiot Intolerance. Especially the ones that think they’re better than everyone else. HE TOO WILL DIE! Hopefully in a fire.


    • Vagina
      Nov 18, 2014 @ 18:51:14

      hahaha Oh my gosh…BEST COMMENT EVER!!! I want to make out with your comment! I completely agree. I am SO over people that decided to change their own life, and for some reason now think that everyone else needs to be JUST LIKE THEM!!!! Fuck off ya know! I have a friend that decided to go all crazy vegan, and she constantly exercises and it pisses me the hell off when she tries to tell me Vegan is the ONLY healthy way to eat! um, …excuse me but Vegan and I do not mix well!! It no longer becomes about them fixing themselves, but now throwing judgement on everyone else. Plus, I remember when that bitch ate Doritos and twinkies!! I like to remind her of that every so often… πŸ˜‰


  7. List of X
    Nov 18, 2014 @ 21:56:05

    We’re all gonna die – unless we turn into zombies. (Zombie Apocalypse shoutout!)


  8. Michelle Grewe
    Nov 19, 2014 @ 05:40:37

    I love you…

    My deathly fear… Every time I shower, I breath in too much shower water mixed with saliva and start choking, and I’m like… Everyone is going to find me naked in a flooded bathroom and I’m already going to be dead, and they always say, “I feel cold” before dying, and I’ll have like cold water hitting me when I’m already cold, so it will probably be uncomfortable until someone finds me and puts my funeral clothes on me, speaking of which, I haven’t a thing to wear to such an event. My husband will probably pick out my outfit. Now that is a scary thought…


    • Vagina
      Nov 20, 2014 @ 08:57:37

      hahahah… YES!!! I could never allow my husband to pick out the funeral outfit!! I can only imagine what AWFUL combo he would put together. He probably would end up putting me in the jeans I have stuffed in the back of my closet from 1991 that I am positive I will fit in again one day!! He will end up finding those and stuffing my ass into them even though they don’t fit!!!… Then he would probably match it up with an awful Christmas sweater I wore to one of those ugly Christmas sweater parties!! I can see it now!!! I would totally have to haunt him after that too….

      Oh and by the way… I Love you too!!! ❀ You crack me up…


  9. PinkNoam
    Nov 21, 2014 @ 04:41:37

    *swigs a rum & coke and continues munching on bacon fries*
    A very English “here here” to this. Thanks for a fun read =)


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