I have chronicled the stages of dieting for you! Or at least when I diet. Which I have been trying to do lately but it keeps ending up badly…. I just happen to be one of those people that makes really bad decisions, ..and 90% of the time they are food related!
First stage – You decide after a particularly heavy weekend of nachos and cheese fries that the time has come for you to make some changes. Not only have your sweats become almost too tight,…but you have an on going third boob because your boobs refuse to fit in your bra properly. They just keep billowing out!!
Also due to the fact that you have never had a thigh gap, all of your pants have the “thinning” thing happening in the crotch area…and every time you take off your pants your underwear comes with it.
Next you do some research online looking up best exercise to zap fat quickly, .and look up best breakfast foods to eat for optimum health and fitness. You look at some recipes,…and maybe make a grocery list. You dig out your old Thigh Master from back in 82’…which by the way was the last time you had a bright idea like this about getting fit! You give it a try. You realize in the first 3 seconds that you can’t even get the Thigh Master to close because you are so out of shape. Hm… the first spark of “what have I gotten myself into” hits you, but you shake it off, …dust off the Thigh Master, and set your alarm clock for ass o’clock so that you can get up extra early and get started on a new you!
The alarm clock goes off! You hit the snooze…..it goes off again and you hit the snooze one more time. Just 10 more minutes is all you need. It goes off again, and you consider hitting it again, but you made a commitment, and you need to get your ass up and DO THIS!! ugh….So you stumble out of bed, get your self dressed and head out for a walk/run thing. You put on Eminem because he is the only one that could really understand your level of anger at this point! You start walking, and decide to try a jog. I mean…why not…people jog right?? As soon as you start jogging you stop! NOPE!! Not ALL people jog! And I’m one of them.
You make it home, and now it’s time to get your healthy breakfast started. You found some recipes and eating plans online. As you are looking through them, you realize that all of the things involve cooking. Way more cooking than you ever want to do in life. Cooking just happens to be one of the things you are challenged in. So you grab an apple and a granola bar and head out the door.
As you are doing your running around, you scarf the apple and granola bar,…but for some reason you are still hungry. Your stomach is like..”An apple…..really??…fuck you!”.. But you ignore it and tell your stomach to shut up because you are getting fit now and it just has to deal with things like apples and celery!
It’s weird….you have never noticed before when you are driving by a Taco Bell how awesome it smelled. But for some reason…..Now the smell of a full on Thanksgiving dinner is wafting into your vehicle. Since when does Taco Bell smell like Thanksgiving dinner?! Well, I guess since your stomach is pissed off and ready to eat itself…now everything is going to smell AMAZING! You decide it’s a good time to head home,…and as you are passing a Dunken Donuts you flip them off! Just because…
You make it home WITHOUT actually stopping for pizza or ice cream. You give yourself a pat on the back.
You know what does it…..you know what completely makes you lose your shit? As you are going through your kids backpack, …you notice 3 half melted peanut butter M & M’s at the bottom of their back pack! Sitting there,..not in any protective packaging or anything. Just sitting there, and for some reason the pull is too much for you. You grab them and stuff them in your mouth!!! The nasty….disease ridden M & M’s from the bottom of your kid’s backpack!! WHY????… I passed a Taco Bell, and pizza, …I made it through the bakery at the grocery store,….I even bought ice cream bars for the kids and they successfully made it home and into the freezer without being opened. But 3 nasty M &M’s and I couldn’t control myself!!!
The last stage of the dieting process is this…since you had the M & M’s you might as well order that pizza that you skipped today, and finish it off with the ice cream sandwiches you bought for the kids….just don’t tell the kids about them.
And then….you decide that TOMORROW IS THE DAY!! The day you go on the straight and narrow and eat celery for breakfast….Tomorrow…
Where did I put that Thigh Master again??…