An Open Letter to: Door to Door Solicitors…

The house was so quiet and still. The only sound was of quiet children sleeping and dreaming and NOT making noise! As I lay in bed snuggled up warm and cozy soaking in every bit of sleep I can….I am violently jarred awake from the sound of my doorbell ringing. It rings again but this time the perpetrator rings it 3 times back to back in a row…I guess for good measure. Then comes the banging on the door. I jump up out of bed and look at the clock. It is barely 7:30 on a Saturday!!! A SATURDAY!!!!! Why the hell is someone banging on my door as if a meteor is crashing into earth and we only have seconds to live! I stumble out into the living room. At this point everyone in the house is awake and the kids are turning on the t.v and saying things like “I’m hungry…is breakfast ready?” Um, excuse me people of my Vagina…but does it look like I have been cooking breakfast??? The doorbell rings one more time, …and so at this point….I’m pissed! really just annoyed and pissed! I open the door with all the force of a woman on the verge of murder just to be faced with a college aged kid holding a vacuum in his hand!



“Oh…good morning maam, ..I hope I didn’t wake you!”



I guess the fact that my hair looks like a banshees and the fact that I have mascara smeared all over my face because I didn’t wash it off before bed, …or maybe even the fact that the shirt I grabbed to put on was the closest thing to me and it was out of the dirty hamper and has dried up puke all over the front of it was not clue enough for this kid that he in fact HAD woken me up!



“Well maam, do I have a surprise for you! This vacuum here is the greatest thing you will ever see in your life! It can do the most amazing things! After using this vacuum just once, you will never be able to go back to a regular vacuum again! This will change your life completely!”



He asked for it you guys:



“Change my life completely hu?? Make all my dreams come true hu?? Well, ….as you can see….I don’t even have carpet! I actually have hard wood floors. Do you know why I have hard wood floors? Because my asshole dog decided that the carpet was a great place for him to piss….ALL THE TIME! So bye bye carpet!! On top of that…when I did have carpet, ….do you honestly think I gave a flying fuck how my vacuum worked? Well let me give you a bit of insight…I didn’t! As long as it sucked up the cheerios and hair balls it was all good with me! But those days are over now thanks to my asshole dog. Today is Saturday….ah lovely Saturday…the day when most people get to actually sleep in! Today was special too….because most days my kids are up at ass o clock…but not today! Do you know why they were sleeping in today?”


“No Maam I don’t!….but can I just show you that this vacuum has an attachment for wood floors”



“Really??? An attachment?? Unless that attachment can make me moan with unabashed pleasure that is seeping from my loans…(yep…I said it)…then I do not want it!! Do you hear me?? Do you know what I want?? DO YOU??”
by now I can see the fear in his eyes and he slowly starts to back away! OH NO…he is not getting away that easily… YOU did this motherfucker!



“I want to sleep! I’m tired! I’m friggin tired! My kids didn’t go to bed until 1 in the morning last night! Then finally after they fell asleep, .I laid my head down and 15 minutes later I heard yelling. I ran into my kids room just in time to watch him puke all over his bed! It’s now 2 in the morning and I have my son in the bath. Cleaned him up….made a bed on the floor and bagged up all the puke stuff. As soon as he lied down…he puked again! awesome! Yep…back in the bath again! At this point most of the blankets and sheets have been puked on so i don’t have much to choose from. I have bags full of puke things, …and it’s now close to 3 in the morning. If you think I am doing laundry at 3 in the morning you can think again! I make another bed for the boy….put a puke bucket next to him..and beg him with everything inside of me to make it in the bucket next time! Finally I lay down….look at the clock, …oh it’s 4! I hear some moaning and groaning, and then a yell. Out of bed again and back in the kids room. My daughter is holding her stomach. I grab her out of bed and start racing for the bathroom but do you think we made it? DO YOU??? NOPE! She puked all down the front of me. And I’m talking in my hair….down my boobs, …and she even got some in my mouth?? Yep…in my damn mouth!!!! Look here…do you see this sticky crap in my hair??? That’s puke my friend. want to smell it?? because I can smell it right now! But as you can see….the kids are fine now! Do you see them over there by the t.v. whining for breakfast?? DO YOU???”



“Um, ..maam…I’m sorry…I have to go….Please…can I go?”



“Actually NO…YOU CAN”T GO!!!! Since you decided to show up at my house at ass o clock and wake me up after only having 1 1/2 hours of sleep…you can take that attachment you were talking about, and clean up the kids room! How about that?? Get in there and clean my kids room if you think your vacuum is soooooo great!!! DO IT!!!”



“Hey, …why are you running away??? Come Back???”



This here…..this is a perfect example of why door to door solicitors should not exist anymore!! Why is this even a thing? It’s not the 1940’s anymore folks…we have the Internet, .and Walmart….why is door to door soliciting a thing! With a debit card,  I can buy every damn thing I need right from my bed while still wearing my pj’s! So STOP with the door to door. First of all…..most of the time, I am not going to answer anyway because if I don’t know you…there is always the chance that you could be a murderer/rapist! How am I suppose to know if your intentions are clearly to sell me a damn vacuum or to murder me with a vacuum attachment! And if you are not a murderer/rapist….I’m still not going to answer because I am BROKE as fuck!! I mean seriously…it;s not like I have money floating around to just give you so I can buy a vacuum that I am never going to use!



On another note…if you are trying to sell me Jesus…..or a bible…Listen okay…I have a GPS, If I want to find Jesus..I can do it! I do not need you banging on my door right at the moment my kids actually decided to lay down for a nap to tell me how to find Jesus! I am perfectly capable of finding Jesus on my own! I In America…Do you really think there is anyone that doesn’t already know about Jesus??? Come on people!!!



So there you have it….All the reason’s they should DO AWAY with door to door solicitors! It’s just not safe in these times to be having folks knocking on your door. Not safe FOR THEM at all!!!



Okay….I make one amendment to my rule…If you are a 12 year old selling cookies….then please, …feel free to knock on my door! Even if it’s morning or really late at night, ..and if I don’t answer just keep banging. I mean really put some muscle into it too, ….ring the doorbell and bang LOUDLY on my door. Especially if they are the kind with the peanut butter in the middle! If you have to…..pry open my damn door because…you know….cookies!…










And this one just because…




8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Twindaddy
    Sep 03, 2014 @ 10:24:29

    People of my vagina…LMAO


  2. Deb Floyd
    Sep 03, 2014 @ 17:51:51

    Oh man, I feel your pain. They still try at our house even with a no solicitor sign at chest height. Val just opens the door, points at the sign, and slams the door in their face. They even seem to know when I’m home for lunch during the week which is particularly scary in a stalker kind of way. It’s always teenagers trying to sell something or people peddling God. Last time it was the JWs. I opened the door & scared them off with just the look I had on my face. At least we are usually awake at the butt crack of dawn, since we have the cat & dog “feed me” alarm.


    • Vagina
      Sep 12, 2014 @ 09:17:52

      hahaha… I know that look! 😉 I have literally dropped down behind the couch even though I know they are standing there and can see me through the window.


  3. Patty Howe
    Sep 04, 2014 @ 08:53:43

    I LOVE THIS! Thank you!


  4. Uncle Guacamole
    Sep 10, 2014 @ 16:31:44

    Oh, funny lady Vagina! Hear ye, hear ye, I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. You crack me up regularly and I am most grateful for your continued efforts.


    • Vagina
      Sep 12, 2014 @ 09:23:39

      OH MY GOSH!!! Uncle Guacamole…I am so EXCITED! I feel like I won the lottery or something!! I never get nominated for stuff and I never win either! -_- Do I get a crown or something??… I would totally wear a crown!!


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