Outdoor Fuckery~ part II

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called Outdoor Fuckery! If you missed it …you can read it HERE! My number 8 reason for hating the outdoors was yard work, and after I thought about it a little more, I realized that I wanted to elaborate on this point. Let me give you some back story first. I think flowers are really pretty, and I like plants. The thing is…I have never been able to keep them alive. No matter what I do. I have tried everything. I have bought the fancy miracle gro stick things and put them in the soil. I have used all the flower food and vitamin crap you can buy and for some reason….they always die. I took it personally for a while and then I just realized that growing humans is something I am good at …plants and flowers though…not so much!  Eh, …so I’m not good at gardening….as I have said many times before…I can do the running Man like a Boss!!



The thing is, when you live on a street where all your neighbors care about is their yard, …it makes it hard when you could really give a shit at all. I mean, the husband mows the grass, and pulls out the weeds and does all the stupid yard shit …and the yard doesn’t look terrible, …it’s just not fully manicured to perfection like my neighbors is. These people get up first thing in the morning and start mowing and planting and trimming like it’s their destiny. Every day planting a new tree, or bush.  And honestly….why do they need to mow 3 times a week! It’s a little excessive people. The grass doesn’t grow that quickly.

yard work


It’s not like there is only a tiny little square of grass either, my neighbors have 2 acres of pure grass! They seeded that whole damn thing, so when they mow, it basically takes 4 hours! Hey, …whatever ya know, to each there own I guess…but don’t give me the dirty looks because my lawn hasn’t been mowed in 3 days. I have a life people….I have things to do! Like watch Netflix…that shit isn’t going to watch itself ya know! I started watching LOST and you can’t just walk away from that. I mean, once you are in….YOU ARE IN FOR LIFE!!! I am on season 3 and let me tell you…things are happening, so my lawn can just stuff it for all I care.




One of my biggest problems with spending so much time on the yard is that literally in a few months the snow is going to come and shit all over the work you just did. Last year I tried the whole tomato plant thing and all I can say is BIG FAT FAIL!!! I had 3 pots filled with tomato plants and once they finally started to come in, my neighbors stupid cat came over and pissed on all of them!! Listen, …I generally like my tomatoes WITHOUT cat piss and bird shit all over them. And if you are about to say…”wash them”, …yeah, well, ….when it comes to cat piss, …NO THANKS!!



I really do wish I was better at the gardening thing. I wish I was into sitting out in the yard on a 95 degree day and pulling weeds. The thing is, the weeds grow plentiful and rich in my yard and every time I try to get rid of them , they come back in full force. Maybe, …just maybe they are suppose to be there. Obviously that is what nature wants for my yard so who am I to argue with nature! We always try and go against natures true design of our yards. Well, …after I planted some flowers in my yard they died within 3 days…but the weeds came in really nicely. So…I decided to just let it be. I’m not about to get in some big old fight with nature itself and battle against what nature wants in my yard.  Whatever….if mother nature wants some crazy looking bush thing growing exactly in the middle of my lawn, fine!! Go for it mother nature! But can you tell the neighbors to get off my ass about it.



Check it out!!..This was the very first video I ever made…. Doing the Running Man like a Boss!!


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Jul 22, 2014 @ 12:34:03

    I really enjoy your Outdoor Fuckery, Vag.

    My garden last year sucked too. We barely got 200 (two hundred) pounds of tomatoes out of it. Peppers sucked too….only about 75 pounds or so.

    I feel your pain.


    Love, Toby. 😀


    • Vagina
      Jul 24, 2014 @ 12:09:55

      ahh Fearless,….why you gotta do me like that???… I am coming over for a visit and I’m going to make salsa with all those tomatoes and peppers. …..I can’t cook worth a shit so it might not be edible though…


  2. REDdog
    Jul 22, 2014 @ 18:23:33

    Vag, I used to have a lawn round for a couple of years, worst two years of my life, I’m allergic to cut grass for fucks sake! I did like school ovals on a funcking ride-on mower…needless to say I have NO lawn whatsoever in my yard…if I could I’d concrete the whole thing!

    My Queen and I can’t grow shit either. I, on the one hand, don’t have what it takes to give a shit, she on the other hand has a murderous black thumb…poor thing. Anyway, it doesn’t stop me from thinking about things. Try this theory on for size: seeing as when you plant flowers, they die and then weeds turn up, why not try a little reverse psychology on Mother Nature’s arse and plant some weeds? Lemme know how that goes for ya, anyway.

    And, yep, I remember the first time you did the running man, that’s when I totally fell in love you Vag, keep on running, Darl.


    • Vagina
      Jul 24, 2014 @ 12:11:52

      Aww REDdog, …you always know just what to say! You make me feel better! Thanks so much for always supporting me and coming back. I appreciate it more than I can tell you! ❤

      Plus, …I agree 100% that a fully concrete yard would be a DREAM come true!!!


  3. Joy in Comfytown
    Jul 22, 2014 @ 18:47:25

    I’m starting to really hate yardwork for RUL. I miss my tiny condo, no outside fuckery! We live in a weed factory and it’s damb 90 outside!


    • Vagina
      Jul 24, 2014 @ 12:15:02

      I miss when we lived in apartments. NO yard work at all!! It was the best! I really like the idea of having a fully concrete yard. That sounds perfect to me. 😉


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