It’s Arts and Crafts week at Panty Camp!~…period 101(not really though)

Let’s talk about periods!! 50% of the population has to deal with this ridiculous monthly BS. Some folks like to say their monthly “friend” pays them a visit. I don’t consider that bitch to be my friend. We are NOT friends. So I usually call it my monthly cocksucking mother fucker is paying me a visit. But that’s just me! For the sake of this post ..let’s call it RED. The older I get, the more that jerkface gets weirder and weirder. Like for instance, I used to be able to pinpoint exactly when RED was going to arrive. Not these days though. RED shows up any damn time RED pleases. And sometimes without any warning. I had become pretty good at recognizing the signs before RED was going to appear. Things like wanting to stab my husband in his eye with any number of sharp objects …or that weird feeling of my vagina starting to shrivel up to prepare itself for the blood bath. Recently though, …RED has shown up without any pre warnings. I could usually trust RED was on his way when I would want to shove 10 tons of chocolate in my face while simultaneously inhaling french fries. The combination is very complimentary of each other, so don’t knock it until you try it okay??…And WHY has no one come up with chocolate covered french fries?? What kind of world do we live in?? Why is this not a thing??

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The RED rituals can start from anywhere between the ages of 9 and 13 depending on the person, and that person will then need to ride the cotton pony every month until they enter their 40’s or 50’s. This varies between each person. Do you realize that is about 40 years of surfing the crimson wave, or parting the red sea, or paging Edward Cullan, or postponing your visit to Maury, aka,  not the father week, or birthing a blood diamond, or however you choose to describe the event. I always found it funny when I would see shows where they portray a girl fainting at the sight of blood! um, really??… a girl will see more blood in her lifetime than most dudes will ever see!! but yeah…

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So as I was thinking about Red, and why I hate him so much… YES… Red is a dude… it has to be…. anyway… Here are some reasons why Red is a mother fucking cocksucking whore!

 
1) Waxing with Wings – The number one reason I HATE using pads with wings is because every single time those stupid wings end up sticking to my hair rather than sticking to the panties. It’s like it starts out all good, I take off the tabs and wrap them around the underwear …and somewhere between getting up and walking out of the bathroom those fuckers do a 180 and flip up attaching to my hairy bits and every step at that point is basically ripping out chunks of hair that is attached to my vagina. By the time I make it back to the bathroom to adjust everything, most of my hair is stuck to the pad. No need to get that wax job done now…. thanks wings…

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2) Anyone who wears pads knows that the biggest worry is if it looks like a diaper butt in the back. If you see a group of girls walking, and one girl runs to the front while all the other girls are staring at her ass, it’s not because they like the look of her ass in those sweats. She needs to know if you can see the pad through the sweats and if it looks like diaper ass. No one wants diaper ass!! It happens though…

 
3) Along with diaper ass you also have the “did I leak through” ass. Every girl worries about this. Especially if you are wearing white. I NEVER wear white during shark week, but there have been those times when RED did that show up early BS and surprised you, and you happen to be walking through Target browsing at bathing suits, thinking about maybe trying one on… and then BOOM! Fuck You Aunt Flow!!!!

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4) I personally am not a huge fan of tampons, but the way it goes is, you either are a tampon person or a pad person. Sometimes you might be in a situation when you have to wear both, just to be safe. But generally you have the pad people, and the tampon people and they don’t usually mix. My reason for not loving tampons is I hate when you have been out all day, and you finally get a chance to change out your blood stick, but somewhere throughout the day, the string made it’s way up your vagina and now you basically have to go fishing up your twat with your fingers to find it and pull it out! Good times, everyone loves fishing right??…

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5) Sleeping!! Oh the joys of sleeping while RED is visiting! You go to sleep feeling secure in your choice of tampon or pad, knowing that they got you covered and they are going to do the job that they promised to do, and protect you with their “leak protection promises” and their “super absorbent core.” LIES!!!! They are all LIES! You wake up in the morning looking like carrie at the prom!

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6) The reappearing period! What the hell Red!! It’s like all of a sudden Red is a jokester and likes playing pranks on people. It will seem as though Red is done. All packed up and heading out of town. So I will put away the tampons and pads and put on my “good” panties that I would never wear during Red’s visit because Red is a certified asshole that likes to ruin good panties. All seems well, and I am certain Red is finally out the door, and then NOPE…. all of sudden it’s like some kind of horrible joke. Red is sitting there laughing his ass off saying.. “hahahahah you’ve been punked! I’m not leaving yet!”…. My nice panties are ruined….

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So there you have it…. To be honest there is so much more I could say on this subject. I may have to do a part 2! And to all the dudes that might read this…. For the love of all that is good in life, get your girl some friggin chocolate if you want to live!!!!

 

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Twindaddy
    Jul 16, 2014 @ 12:36:58

    Bwhahahahahaha

    Reply

  2. meg68
    Jul 16, 2014 @ 19:53:19

    You lady, are awesome! That was honest, hilarious, and as a 46yr old woman I completely relate. Keep that shit up!

    Reply

  3. REDdog
    Jul 16, 2014 @ 20:49:14

    Just…sorry…

    Reply

  4. Samantha Stainsby
    Jul 17, 2014 @ 22:39:06

    you literally make me laugh out loud dear vagina! Those fucking wings!!!!!! hahahahahahahaha thought i was alone on that one! took skin with the hair once my poor vagina! love you!

    Reply

  5. DFD
    Jul 23, 2014 @ 07:39:54

    I like to call Red the monthly monster. Regardless, you hit it on the head, that Red is a bitch. Love this post!

    Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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