I can’t help it…I am just not an outdoor kind of person! I have openly admitted to enjoying the indoors. The indoors offers things like 24 hours of Netflix, air conditioning, toilets, and toilet paper, soap, and comfy furniture to prop up your feet on. I like the indoors. when I go outside things happen. Bad things. I don’t like it.
When I was a kid, my parents were really big into camping. That is what we did every summer. The big camping trip!! We would load up all of our clothes and blankets,…pillows and a ton of food, and head out for a week to live in the dirt! The biggest memories I have from that time is this, I remember almost every damn time we went camping I ended up getting poison oak and poison ivy. EVERY DAMN TIME! I got it all over my face one time because I tripped and fell straight into a bush of poison ivy. Good times. I remember getting stung by a bee right in the middle of my foot because I was walking and somehow didn’t see the bee and because I was barefoot it stung me directly in the most sensitive part of my foot. I couldn’t walk on it for a few days because it swelled up. I remember almost drowning in a river because we were swimming in the nasty river and the current became too strong and I lost my footing. I was freaking out as I was heading down the river to who knows where, …but ended up making it to the edge by swimming as hard as I could against the current. Good times! I remember sleeping out under the stars and that all sounds really sweet, except the biggest memory I have of that is finding spiders in my sleeping bag, and them climbing up my legs and biting me. Good times! Then when you get home all of your blankets and pillows and clothes are covered in dirt! So much dirt!!! It takes weeks to clean everything you took on your awesome camping trip. Good times!
The outdoors and I just do not mix! I know people like to camp, and hike, and swim in dirty nasty rivers with fish poop, …but I’m not one of those folks. When I go camping, I prefer the Holiday Inn with the swimming pool that is filled with chlorine so when all the people are pissing in it, …you know who you are…..then the chlorine is killing all the piss germs.
Here are my top reasons for hating the outdoors:
1) Bird shit! I walked outside the other day and everything in my yard is covered in bird shit! It’s like they try and hit everything. The trampoline, the kids swing set, my table and all the chairs, ..covered in bird shit!!! Little mofo’s use the stuff in the yard as target practice for their poop!!
2) Mosquitos! They are Blood sucking assholes and we all know it!!!…I walk outside for 3 seconds and I have 5 million of those fuckers all over me. Eating me alive!! And don’t give me the…citronella candle bullcrap. It doesn’t work. And none of that lame stuff on pinterest works either. Like the listerine idea, …or the pinesol idea! Give it up….mosquitoes do not care, they want your blood and they are going to get it….
3) Bees! They aren’t like the mosquitos. They won’t swarm you the minute you get outside. They wait…sitting in the shadows waiting, until you sit down with your twisted tea and get comfy, .then Boom. They start slowly kind of flying around you at a distance. but you see it, you know it’s there. Then it gets closer and closer until the fucker is buzzing right past your ear, and you either swat at it…or run away…because…you know , bees! 90 percent of the time, those assholes take your drink, they either land on the rim of it, or in it!
4) Bonfires! Okay listen, …I love a bonfire as much as the next guy, …it’s all super great sitting there watching the fire do the fire-y thing that fire does, …but why is it that smoke chases you? EVERY TIME!!! You are sitting there minding your own business looking at the fire, .and all of a sudden the smoke starts heading straight for your eyes, and your eyes are burning , so you think…I guess I’ll move over to the other side. You pick up your chair and move it to the other side and sure enough…the smoke moves too! It follows you. You move again….the smoke finds you! It doesn’t matter where you go , the smoke will find you, and invade your eye holes!
5) The Elements! I love the sun, and sitting out in it. But the truth is, …if it is any hotter than 72 degrees or any colder than 72 degrees it is just uncomfortable. Anything above 80 degrees and you have sweaty butt crack and boob sweat for miles! It’s sticky and sweaty and all around yucky. Anything colder than 65 degrees and now you need to go back in to get your sweater because you are getting the chills, …but then you need to change into pants because shorts just aren’t working at this point….and the flip flops are not giving you enough coverage so you need to pull out the socks and sneakers. At this point….why even go outside! Just stay in….it’s too much work!
6) The Wind! Have you ever been sitting outside with your plate of BBQ and all of a sudden the wind picks up. Now you have all kinds of things happening. Not only is your hair blowing all over your face and sticking to your face because you are covered in sunscreen and bug spray, but all the crap that is blowing in the wind is now sticking to your macaroni salad and hot dog. As you try and adjust yourself and fix your plate of food, almost always a damn bug flies right in your throat! WHY????….why bugs???
7) It’s been a long winter! My legs have not seen the light of day in many months. So now, here I am….in all my white legs glory for all the neighbors to see. And believe me…they look! They are sitting in there yard mowing away, and BOOM….what is that blinding light that is hurting my eyes…Oh sorry…it’s just my white ass legs!! Blinding all the people with my white legs. Well, that could be a plus of the outdoors I guess…
8) The Yard Work! I HATE yard work! HATE IT!!! I know there are those folks that love to grow things and take care of their yards, and do all the fancy planting of things, …I am not one of these people. As I have said before, …there are only a few things I am good at. And taking care of plants and flowers is not one of them. I am a murderer of flowers. No matter what I do…they always end up dead. I don’t have one of those green fingers. So keeping up on the yard is not my strong point. The husband will mow the grass, …but I have these neighbors that spend every waking moment on their yards.They are serious about it! Every section of the yard is perfectly manicured, and they get all pissy when mine isn’t. Well too damn bad! Lawns are not something I really give a shit about. Mostly because in 3 months it is going to snow and all that work will have been for NOTHING!!! I’m over it…
So there you have it….All the reason that the indoors are a happy place to be!
And here is a video that I made about Summer Vacation!~ 🙂