Outdoor Fuckery ~

I can’t help it…I am just not an outdoor kind of person! I have openly admitted to enjoying the indoors. The indoors offers things like 24 hours of Netflix, air conditioning, toilets, and toilet paper, soap, and comfy furniture to prop up your feet on. I like the indoors. when I go outside things happen. Bad things. I don’t like it.

 

When I was a kid, my parents were really big into camping. That is what we did every summer. The big camping trip!! We would load up all of our clothes and blankets,…pillows and a ton of food, and head out for a week to live in the dirt! The biggest memories I have from that time is this, I remember almost every damn time we went camping I ended up getting poison oak and poison ivy. EVERY DAMN TIME! I got it all over my face one time because I tripped and fell straight into a bush of poison ivy. Good times. I remember getting stung by a bee right in the middle of my foot because I was walking and somehow didn’t see the bee and because I was barefoot it stung me directly in the most sensitive part of my foot. I couldn’t walk on it for a few days because it swelled up. I remember almost drowning in a river because we were swimming in the nasty river and the current became too strong and I lost my footing. I was freaking out as I was heading down the river to who knows where, …but ended up making it to the edge by swimming as hard as I could against the current. Good times! I remember sleeping out under the stars and that all sounds really sweet, except the biggest memory I have of that is finding spiders in my sleeping bag, and them climbing up my legs and biting me. Good times! Then when you get home all of your blankets and pillows and clothes are covered in dirt! So much dirt!!! It takes weeks to clean everything you took on your awesome camping trip. Good times!

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The outdoors and I just do not mix! I know people like to camp, and hike, and swim in dirty nasty rivers with fish poop, …but I’m not one of those folks. When I go camping, I prefer the Holiday Inn with the swimming pool that is filled with chlorine so when all the people are pissing in it, …you know who you are…..then the chlorine is killing all the piss germs.

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Here are my top reasons for hating the outdoors:

 
1) Bird shit! I walked outside the other day and everything in my yard is covered in bird shit! It’s like they try and hit everything. The trampoline, the kids swing set, my table and all the chairs, ..covered in bird shit!!! Little mofo’s use the stuff in the yard as target practice for their poop!!

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2) Mosquitos! They are Blood sucking assholes and we all know it!!!…I walk outside for 3 seconds and I have 5 million of those fuckers all over me. Eating me alive!! And don’t give me the…citronella candle bullcrap. It doesn’t work. And none of that lame stuff on pinterest works either. Like the listerine idea, …or the pinesol idea! Give it up….mosquitoes do not care, they want your blood and they are going to get it….

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3) Bees! They aren’t like the mosquitos. They won’t swarm you the minute you get outside. They wait…sitting in the shadows waiting, until you sit down with your twisted tea and get comfy, .then Boom. They start slowly kind of flying around you at a distance. but you see it, you know it’s there. Then it gets closer and closer until the fucker is buzzing right past your ear, and you either swat at it…or run away…because…you know , bees! 90 percent of the time, those assholes take your drink, they either land on the rim of it, or in it!

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4) Bonfires! Okay listen, …I love a bonfire as much as the next guy, …it’s all super great sitting there watching the fire do the fire-y thing that fire does, …but why is it that smoke chases you? EVERY TIME!!! You are sitting there minding your own business looking at the fire, .and all of a sudden the smoke starts heading straight for your eyes, and your eyes are burning , so you think…I guess I’ll move over to the other side. You pick up your chair and move it to the other side and sure enough…the smoke moves too! It follows you. You move again….the smoke finds you! It doesn’t matter where you go , the smoke will find you, and invade your eye holes!

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5) The Elements! I love the sun, and sitting out in it. But the truth is, …if it is any hotter than 72 degrees or any colder than 72 degrees it is just uncomfortable. Anything above 80 degrees and you have sweaty butt crack and boob sweat for miles! It’s sticky and sweaty and all around yucky. Anything colder than 65 degrees and  now you need to go back in to get your sweater because you are getting the chills, …but then you need to change into pants because shorts just aren’t working at this point….and the flip flops are not giving you enough coverage so you need to pull out the socks and sneakers. At this point….why even go outside! Just stay in….it’s too much work!

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6) The Wind! Have you ever been sitting outside with your plate of BBQ and all of a sudden the wind picks up. Now you have all kinds of things happening. Not only is your hair blowing all over your face and sticking to your face because you are covered in sunscreen and bug spray, but all the crap that is blowing in the wind is now sticking to your macaroni salad and hot dog. As you try and adjust yourself and fix your plate of food, almost always a damn bug flies right in your throat! WHY????….why bugs???

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7) It’s been a long winter! My legs have not seen the light of day in many months. So now, here I am….in all my white legs glory for all the neighbors to see. And believe me…they look! They are sitting in there yard mowing away, and BOOM….what is that blinding light that is hurting my eyes…Oh sorry…it’s just my white ass legs!! Blinding all the people with my white legs. Well, that could be a plus of the outdoors I guess…

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8) The Yard Work! I HATE yard work! HATE IT!!! I know there are those folks that love to grow things and take care of their yards, and do all the fancy planting of things, …I am not one of these people. As I have said before, …there are only a few things I am good at. And taking care of plants and flowers is not one of them. I am a murderer of flowers. No matter what I do…they always end up dead. I don’t have one of those green fingers.  So keeping up on the yard is not my strong point. The husband will mow the grass, …but I have these neighbors that spend every waking moment on their yards.They are serious about it! Every section of the yard is perfectly manicured, and they get all pissy when mine isn’t. Well too damn bad! Lawns are not something I really give a shit about. Mostly because in 3 months it is going to snow and all that work will have been for NOTHING!!! I’m over it…

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So there you have it….All the reason that the indoors are a happy place to be!

 

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And here is a video that I made about Summer Vacation!~ 🙂

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Twindaddy
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 13:03:05

    I’m with you. Being outside is the suck.

    Reply

  2. Joy in Comfytown
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 13:50:51

    So much this!
    The order I get the more I hate the idea of camping. And yardwork? Sucks as much as dental work. I hurt my back doing it, got a massage and that hurt even more. F U Mother Nature!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 19, 2014 @ 13:44:25

      I’m definitely OVER IT!!! I don’t understand these people that want to go camping all the time! Haven’t they heard of NOT camping!!!

      Reply

  3. behindthemask
    Jun 17, 2014 @ 15:27:30

    I’m also with you on this! Sooo funny though. One other thing. I like indoor plumbing and electricity! I heard a comedian once say “Why do people go camping, I have a job so I don’t have to sleep in a tent.”

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 19, 2014 @ 13:48:07

      EXACTLY!!!! It makes no sense!! I agree with you completely about the plumbing and electricity! These are good things in life. There is a reason that they were invented and people everywhere use them!! 😉 Another great invention….screens for the windows. Can you imagine the folks that had their old timey cabins and no screens to keep out all those flies and bees and mosquitoes! No thanks!!!

      Reply

  4. Lisa
    Jun 18, 2014 @ 12:16:44

    First, GREAT VIDEO! And second, I can’t believe there’s someone else out there that has allllll the same outside hang-ups as I do. But I think I’m worse, Vagina. I have NEVER GONE CAMPING! I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to say that, but my goal is forever. Also, I have a thing: I hate the heat annnnnnd I’m not a fan of sunlight either. Is that weird? I always head straight for the shade and book it back into the house when I go back in, yup not a fan of all that blinding hot sunshine. I like FALL, but lately Fall has been like 2 weeks long and then we get tons of snow and power outages that last weeks (but I actually love the snow, weird, I know). Get this: My kids are still in school, Vagina! They’re in until Tuesday. After that I’ll be in my own closet with my supplies 🙂 Come on by, I’ll pack for two!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jun 19, 2014 @ 13:56:45

      Another reason we are soul sisters….FALL is my favorite time of year! I LOVE it!!! I also love the snow. I am definitely at my peak during fall and winter. And because I hate camping so much, My 2 youngest kids have never gone either. I feel bad about it because i have that stupid mom guilt thing telling me I should take them camping! I have NO idea why!! It’s not like they are going to become better people if I take them out to sit in the dirt for a week! I am OVER IT!!! I told the husband that he could take them and I would just hang out at home while they are off having fun in the forest, ..but he wasn’t as excited about that idea as I was. Oh well, ..I would actually be happy if it rained every damn day!! Then I wouldn’t need to worry about going outside. At the top of my biggest wish list is living in the East Coast. When I was a kid, I would cut out pictures of Vermont and hang them on my wall. It has always been a dream of mine because I LOVE the weather and the beautiful Fall. I still haven’t made it over that way,…but I will!!!

      Reply

  5. isawbobdylaninaspeedo
    Jun 18, 2014 @ 23:53:52

    This was beautiful!! I’m in Colorado…so it’s illegal for us to not do EVERYTHING Outside All the Time, and if we aren’t to feel guilty…but I hate camping too. I filled my punchcard and am done. LOVED SUPER BEE!!!! and fuck the wind. I’m with ya girl.

    Reply

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