Have you been to your kid’s school concert yet?? …READ THIS FIRST

It’s that time of year again… the end of school time. The time when the kids have a million field trips to go on, and a ton of class picnics and I have to attend every single one! -_- There are also the kids choir concerts and end of school music programs that we have to attend or the kids will be all upset and never get over it!! I feel like I have been to a million and 3 music concerts for my kids this year. It seems like they have one for ever single occasion possible. Now listen, I think it is super cute that my kids learn some songs and get on stage and do a little number for all the parents…. but the truth is, if you have seen one, then you have seen them ALL!!! It’s true. After your second choir concert, trust me, you will be OVER it! They are all the same. A shit ton of people stuffed into a tiny gymnasium trying to watch their kids sing a song really badly that you have already heard them singing at home for the last month because they had to practice! Good Times!! I noticed the different types of folks that always attend these things, and I thought… eh, why not write about it! I couldn’t actually take in a deep breathe anyway due to the guy that was next to me because either he forgot to put deodarant on or he just chooses not to wear it. So instead of breathing, I jotted down notes about the different people at kid’s school music concerts. So here ya go:


There is the new parent of the baby: This is the parent that has their baby in the stands with them and they figure what better time to coo and tickle their infant, nibble their feet and bite at their belly, while expecting you to admire how cute their adorable little bundle of joy is! Babies are cute… I totally get it… I have a few myself. But sitting in the stuffy hot stands pressed up against a thousand other parents… I have lost my ability to see the cute in ANY damn thing! Also, I might be a bit jealous that they can use their baby as an excuse to leave early if it fusses… Whatever.


There is the “actually interested” parent: They sit with super intensity and all focus on their child. Their hand on chin with super focus! They refuse to seem bored, nodding their head the whole time as if the music is touching their very soul to the core. It’s not like we are listening to Mozart here.


There are the folks with the death glare: You make eye contact with them and they are GRUMPY!!! You don’t want to be there either, but at least you are trying to put on a happy face so as to not show your complete and utter hatred of sitting in those stands. Yes, you are dying from the inside out, but at least nobody is aware of your withering hopes and dreams. But these folks… they don’t even try to fake happiness. They are friggin pissed off at having to sit there and every damn person is going to know it!!! They want to GO HOME NOW!!! or at least to Starbucks…


There is the talker: You know who you are!! The same folks that talk during a movie in the theater. You talk through the whole damn thing, which is fine considereing most people probably aren’t even listening to the singing… but your talking is worse than the actual singing that is happeneing. So, you know what song they are singing? Good for you. Oh, you helped your kid practice everyday? Good for you. You tried to make tacos for dinner last night but the beans burnt and so you had to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch again just to have the dog eat the next batch of beans? Good for you? Crap, I don’t know how to respond. Just shut up and listen to the chorus of dying moose we are all so proud of.


There is the “I Know everybody” person: Before the concert even starts this person sits near the entrance always watching everyone who comes in so they don’t miss anyone that they might know. They spend most of the music concert waving and mouthing things to other people. Maybe changing seats to get even closer to all the people that they know. After the show they are still hanging around even after all the kids have left and most people have left, ..but there they are still chatting away with all the folks they know. They are sooo popular… Let me just say, bragging about how many people you know is not actually impressive. I know my dog pretty damn well, do I somehow seem cooler now?


There are the folks that see life through a lens: They spend the entire concert watching the concert through the lens of a phone or video camera. They may end up making their way to the front of the gymnasium because they are worried about missing something… yet they pretty much have missed the whole thing. But at least they get to watch it later on a screen the size of my toe nail… because that sounds better than experiencing it in real life. And can we just be honest for a minute… how many people ACTUALLY go back and re-watch kid concerts?? yeah… like none..


There is the texter: They spend the whole time texting someone… .anyone…. just as long as no one talks to them… and they don’t have to engage in anything… then all is well!


There is the nodding off person: They start out with great intentions… watching the kids sing “row, row, row your boat gently down the stream”… but by the time they get to “merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily… life is but a dream”…their eyes are shut! They repeatedly try and open them back up and listen to more of the song… but theycan’t help it, that lullaby is too much for them, and those kids sweet voices are singing them into slumber land! In the end, this person becomes entertainment for bored neighbors who find his head bobbing amusing.


You have the early person: They were the first person in the gymnasium. They wanted a good seat and they were not going to take any chances . So they were actually there before they had even set up the overflow chairs. Sitting smack dab right in the middle of the gymnasium at the very perfect spot with a big smile like… Too bad bitches…Early worm gets the bird…or something like that…


You also have the late person: The one that barely made it out the door and can not find a parking spot to save their life because they are all taken. Finally they have to park way down the street and walk the length of the Sahari desert to get to the school. They arrive in the gymnasium and the kids have already started singing “row, row,row your boat.” They look in the stands and see some folks nodding off, and some folks with their video cameras, a few people that have angry faces, and someone texting on their phone. Even the overflow chairs are all taken up so they end up standing on the wall in the back of the gym and they can’t even see their kid the entire time. So they spend the whole concert checking out other people so they can write a blog post about it later…


A video for you~


14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lisa
    May 27, 2014 @ 10:47:19

    Vagina, I just went to my daughter’s concert last week and I swear I saw every single one of these folks. I was the mom chasing the cranky toddler, never anyone’s favorite… Next week is my son’s RECORDER concert. That should be something… Great video!!! I keep coming late to the party and leaving my comments late and I don’t think you see them, but I’m here Vagina!!! Really, I am!!!! Well, here I am at the front for this one!!!! lol ๐Ÿ™‚ have a great week Vagina!!!! love you!!! xoxoxo


    • Vagina
      May 27, 2014 @ 10:57:30

      Aww thanks!! I MISS you!!! I am so glad you made it here. I understand though….life and kids…they are draining us…but in a good way…kind of… haha I am sooo sick of those concerts right now. I have been to at least 10 already this year. Next week is my 13 year olds graduation into high school. It’s very bittersweet but I also think they make a HUGE deal out of going from junior high to high school. I have to buy a fancy dress and do all the stuff just to do it again in 4 years. UGH! Then in another four years if she decides to go to college. My oldest will be graduation college next year so it’s like graduations and concerts and picnics and OH SHIT!!!! Calgon take me away…. I hope I am not coming off asshol…ish… but all these events are killing me!!! I Love you sooooo much Lisa!!! Hang in there….it’s almost summer! Another bittersweet thing…haha


    • Vagina
      May 27, 2014 @ 11:01:05

      Oh and I’m going to go back through the other posts and see the comments I missed. Sometimes that happens. I think when i respond I am not sure if it gets through either. WordPress propaganda or something….;) I know that didn’t even make sense did it??… I may have completely lost my mind at this point. I have to be in my son’s 2nd grade class today to do an art project and then immediately head over and read for my daughters 1st grade class!! ..I’m already tired…


      • Lisa
        May 27, 2014 @ 11:16:28

        Vagina, you are supermom today!!! You are my inspiration to not suck today!!! You go and do it Vagina, and show em how it’s done ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Sofia Leo
    May 27, 2014 @ 11:54:17

    Sooooo glad those days are over for me! Good luck and stay sane this Summer, Vagina!


    • Vagina
      May 28, 2014 @ 09:15:51

      Thanks!! I’m thinking lots of Twisted Teas will help get me through the summer… ๐Ÿ˜‰ Do you have any cool plans for this summer?


      • Sofia Leo
        May 28, 2014 @ 15:01:47

        “Cool?” Not so much. I’ll be helping friends shear alpacas until the last week of June (96 animals total and none of them are farmers,) then I’ll be working on insulating my trailer so I don’t freeze my ass off this Winter, followed by helping Mom with her annual Epic Yard Sale (honestly, I don’t know where she gets all the crap she sells every year.) I hope to get the occasional nap without the usual Pet Drama of the dog and cat who never sleep. I’ll be ingesting huge amounts of caffeine to make it through and praying for rain to put a halt to outdoor activities, at least temporarily.

  3. List of X
    May 27, 2014 @ 12:07:32

    Sounds like these concerts are a no-win situation – if a parent misses the concert, kid ends up in therapy. If the parent goes, they will end up in therapy instead.


    • Vagina
      May 28, 2014 @ 09:18:34

      SO TRUE!!! Even if you go to the concert, your kid could still possibly end up in therapy with you …especially if you are the parent that is always late and ends up sitting on the wall in the back where they can’t see you and then they are all upset…It’s a vicious cycle my friend! You try to prove to them that you actually saw them, (even though you didn’t) and they know you are lying…the whole thing just gets ugly ya know…


  4. Joy in Comfytown
    May 29, 2014 @ 16:17:07

    The ones with the babies, they BORROWED those babies!
    The ones super into it? They’re either deaf or daydrinkers who timed their buzz just right! Either way I’m jealous!!


    • Vagina
      May 30, 2014 @ 09:02:36

      hahahha Maybe I should start stealing a baby on my way to those things!! I’ll just use it for the concert then return it when it’s over…. That is a great idea!! Also the day drinking….YES!!


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