Ladies and Gentlemen…A MUST READ!!..not really though

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Here is the thing…I happen to be a girl. I have a Vagina, and I have used it. Having a Vagina is not the only thing that makes me a girl. I just wanted to say Vagina…again. Anyway…when you happen to be a girl, there are things that we have to deal with that dudes don’t understand. Things that we think about and get paranoid about. Now I am not saying that dudes don’t have their own stuff that they think about or get paranoid about, but in most cases, it is just different than what a girl has going on in her head.

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Have you ever heard of that book Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars? I don’t usually like to generalize any gender or throw labels on anyone…I am just mostly speaking from experience of being a girl and having these thoughts in my head. So I came up with some things that girls think about or get paranoid about. Remember I am not speaking about every girl on the planet. I am not generalizing, I’m just sayin is all….

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We obsess about pictures taken of us. Especially if some asshole decides to put it on facebook and tag you in it. Then that picture is blasted straight up on your home page for all the world to see. We don’t want pictures of us having double chins floating around on the damn internet for the world to see. If I am getting tagged in a picture…it better not be showing my butt crack and making me look like I am 792 pounds. It’s all about the angles people. Everyone knows that you need to take the picture from up above so that your double chin doesn’t show, and you get a pretty good shot of the boobs at that angle which then covers up the gut. But then there is always that schmo that KNOWS your picture sucks and posts it anyway.

 

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Another thing us girls have to think about is that time of the month. You all know what time I am talking about. That awesome 5 to 7 days filled with having to go out in public and worry if anyone can see your pad puffing out the back of your pants and if it looks like you are wearing a diaper. Some girls use tampons which have their own set of issues. Like did it actually soak up everything or did it leak through on to your white pants. You are walking through the store only to realize that it feels a little wettish down there, so you start panicking thinking…oh shit…did I leak through. The bathroom is on the other side of the store…so now you have to walk all the way through the store with possible blood soiled all over the back of your pants and hoping no one sees. awesome….

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We also as girls worry about our weight. I know, I know….this is very cliche but it’s the truth. I often think we as girls worry about how we look in clothes more than any dude actually even notices. We worry if the new dress we bought accentuates the hips and ass area. I will stand in front of a mirror for days trying to get a glimpse of my ass to make sure it doesn’t look like I stuffed it into my outfit and it is billowing out. The reason we ask our guy if we look fat in the outfit is because we want to know! Do we look fat in it!! So answer the damn question and quit being an asshole. And make sure you answer that question with NO! …you look amazing in it!!! Just a little friendly advice guys…

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Girls often worry about how much food they might consume in front of people. Obviously if you are comfortable in front of a group of friends….you might not worry as much. But on a first date…the last thing a girl wants to do is stuff  her face full of 10 tacos. He might think she is a pig or something. The funny thing about that is…he probably would be excited that he found someone he could power eat tacos with!!

 

A girl often worries about the way she smells. Not just worrying about whether she has bad breath or not, but we worry if we stink at all. We are delicate, fragile creatures and we want to smell like flowers. That is actually bullshit!!! We are not delicate….NOR are we fragile. Most girls can fuck you up just as much as any dude can!! So stop with that …” oh, you hit like a girl” crap!! I think that saying should go more like this…” oh you hit like a dumbass!” because that would be more truthful really. There happens to be a whole lot of dumbasses hanging around on this planet.

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I decided since I came up with some things that girls get paranoid about….to be fair…I should throw in what dudes think about and what makes them paranoid! This is what I came up with:

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Penis Size!! That’s it folks….that is what dudes think about. Penis size. The thing is…most girls don’t give a flying fuck about a dudes penis size. If she says she does….it’s usually just to mess with the guy. All a girl cares about is if you know how to use the penis. You use that thing the right way, she won’t care if it’s so small she can’t even see it. You just need to know how to use it. And the truth is….you don’t even need a penis to please a woman in the right way. You just need to know how to use what you got. If you don’t know how to use it…then figure it out!!

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Dudes be talking about….”Am I bigger than your last boyfriend,  is my penis big and scary?” Listen guys….a bit of advice…..use your penis in the right way….and she will be yours forever!!!

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So there it is!! Remember don’t get all upset saying to me that all dudes aren’t like that and all girls aren’t like that!….DUH!!!

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Kumbayah Motherfuckers….

 

and look at my video…

 

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Phil
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 10:02:14

    Brilliant

    Reply

  2. Twindaddy
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 10:06:24

    I actually worry more about the size of my gut than my penis size…does this mean I’m not a guy? Wait…

    Reply

  3. Fearless Leader
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 11:45:43

    If a vagina can’t handle my penis, I just dig that bitch out like a Caterpillar Front End Loader.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 17:37:23

      OH BOY!!! Okay…you and Twindaddy are neck in neck here with the comments!… but the images that are floating around my head now…

      Reply

  4. Lisa
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 12:32:47

    Ah yes, Vagina, you are right once again. I am very, very, very paranoid about many, many important things. I can think of quite a few things that I am paranoid about (are my teeth going to eventually loose all that enamel stuff and become completely see-through? Did the teacher actually get the note that says I’m going to pick the kids up from school? Will I get there and the kids are already on the bus? Should I call and ask at the office? Probably not because they’re getting annoyed that I call every time I pick them up, but there was that time I didn’t call and everything went to shit! Whatever I decide I’m sure it will be the wrong thing. Did I miss Sherlock? Was Sherlock on yesterday? I think I missed Sherlock!!!!! BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!! This could be a very long if I don’t limit myself so I am forcing myself to close parenthesis here). And I do suspect that you may be right about that other gender walking the planet as well… Love the video!! Have a great day, Vagina, snow, dog, and all!!!! xoxoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 17:46:32

      Oh Lisa…my sister from another mister!! I had no idea you watched Sherlock! I LOVE Sherlock. I am a big fan of Doctor Who, but i will gladly spend an afternoon with Benedict ANY DAY! um….yeah, we are kind of on a first name basis. I mean, HE doesn’t know that! I have seen every episode and this last one about killed me!!! I chewed every nail off! I can’t help how much I like Moriarty! He is just sooo good at being bad!! 😉

      Reply

      • Lisa
        Mar 05, 2014 @ 16:48:54

        OOoooooohh ya! I hear ya! And it’s just soooo fun to say “Moriarty”, isn’t it? That will most likely be the name I’ll give my next cat 🙂 “MORIARRRRRRRTTTTY!” I’ll just have the best time calling him in from my porch!

      • Vagina
        Mar 05, 2014 @ 17:18:05

        That would be a PERFECT name for a cat…or dog…or maybe even your next kid. …maybe that would be taking it a bit too far…..I don’t know, I might not mind calling my kid Moriarty!! 😉

  5. REDdog
    Mar 05, 2014 @ 13:12:55

    I’ve got 4 kids…and my Queen still wants to date me after 20 years…I for got what size my penis is…and I forgot I was supposed to care…hard to care about it when you’ve been working so hard on building that roof over the tool shed that you haven’t seen it in years.

    I think Buster makes an excellent case for not having a big penis…

    Reply

    • Lisa
      Mar 05, 2014 @ 16:46:29

      REDdog, just the fact that you don’t feel all that worked up on the subject makes me think you’re harboring a monster! It’s always the quiet ones, eh Vagina? 😉

      Reply

  6. REDdog
    Mar 05, 2014 @ 17:31:30

    Sorry girls, not so much the Kraken as Puff the Magic Dragon, buuut his name IS Moriarty, mbwaahaaahaaahaaaaa…

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Mar 07, 2014 @ 09:15:13

      REDdog…..hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahabwhahahahahha…..hahahahahahhahaa,……hahahaha…That was good!! Moriarty is the PERFECT name for the beast down below…;)

      Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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