Happy VAGintines Day!~ <3

I don’t know why this happens to me…. but for some reason, every Valentines day I end up having to go and see my Vagina doctor. It just always works out like that. Us ladies have to go to the doctor once a year, and get our vagina’s looked at. It’s just one of those things that comes along with having a vagina. It has it’s very own special doctor. So every year on Valentines day…. I get myself all ready, shave my legs, and underarms, put on my good smelling lotion(because anyone putting their head anywhere near my vagina gets the good smelling lotion.) It’s just polite ya know. πŸ˜‰

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orgasm

 

So here we are again…. Valentines day has come around. Considering every year my date happens to be a dude looking in my Vagina, I like to refer to that day as Vagintines day! It’s been a thing now for the last few years because every year, I am certain I am getting some action down there. Now maybe it is not the kind of action a girl really looks forward to…. but my doctor has this nifty warming thing that warms up that evil silver tongs tool that makes the experience a little less awful.

centipedes-in-my-vagina

 

I still like to go to my happy place when I have to let out the girlsΒ (my boob sacks)… yep… I said sacks…. anyway, I still like to go to my happy place when he is giving them the squishy squeezies because it’s just awkward ya know. I mean… my boobs are not as perky as they used to be. Okay… I lied… they were never really “perky.” Listen… they were working boobs for many years. After 4 kids sucked the ever loving life out of them…. they lost their uhmpph, if you know what I mean. They have worked hard and deserve retirement. In other words…. as I am lying there while the doc is doing his thing… I am focusing on trying to prop those bitches up with my arms so they don’t fall in my armpits and disappear. The one thing I do not want to hear from the doctor is… β€œUm, I can’t find your boobs? Where did they go?” What a nightmare that would be!!

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I know some folks really do not look forward to Valentines day. I get it. I mean a day that focuses on Love and being in love, and finding love and all of that…. it can be very irritating to the folks that either have no desire to be in love, or really just haven’t found that right person yet.

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My theory of the whole thing is this… you want to get lucky on Valentines day…. make your pap smear appt. on February 14. You will get lucky every damn year!!!!

 

I have some tips for you though.

 

Tip 1 – I still don’t shave above the knee for the Vagina doctor…. but depending on who your doctor is, and how much you like them, you might want to. I always forget to shave the actual knee though. Don’t forget to shave the knee ladies.

Tip 2 – Stop using bar soap right now!!! Just do it!!!! Seriously….. think about the first thing you washed in the shower…. now think about the last thing you washed. Now picture the person that was in the shower before you, and imagine the first thing they washed, and the last thing they washed. … Where do you think all those little hairs come from?… yeah… you are welcome!!! Stop using the bar soap!!

Tip 3 – Tip number 2 has nothing to do with Valentines day. Just a little friendly advice.

Tip 4 – Buy lots and lots of chocolate. If you receive chocolate from someone…. awesome. But you need to ensure that you will have back up chocolate. If you happen to not receive any chocolate, you then can pull out the chocolate you already purchased…. Draw a heart on the package…. Hide in the closet… (for the sole purpose of NOT SHARING) and polish off that MOfo!! EVeRY LAST BIT!!!

Tip 5 – It couldn’t hurt to also take some Vodka into the closet with you. Now I know some of you are like β€œOh but that seems all alcholic-ish and what not.” But listen, you are already in there with your chocolate, you might as well take the rest of the party in there with you. Think of it as playing hide and seek…. You against the world.

So yeah…. with these tips… your valentines is sure to be the best day ever…. maybe not….

HAPPY VAGINTINES DAY EVERYONE!! ❀

I found some Valentines that I wanted to share with you.

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This video was my daughter’s idea. She thought it would be funny to show you all what an idiot I am. So yeah….here it is….my attempt at trying to play a video game.

 

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16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 10:14:14

    Bwahahahahaha @ Vagentines Day!

    What’s next? Yeaster? πŸ˜€

    Reply

  2. El Guapo
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 10:41:52

    Happy vagintines day!
    Maybe insert some roses for your doctor?

    TRIM THE THORNS FIRST!!!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 11, 2014 @ 10:49:56

      hahahahaha! Happy Vagintines day to you also El Guapo!!! um…..I like the thorns! It makes things fun…..O.O WHAT THE HELL did I just say??!!!…

      Reply

  3. Scorpion Sting
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 11:40:28

    This was pretty funny. I really liked the tips. Seems, tho, everything was aimed at the women in your audience. I know, men are stupid, right. The tradition in my house is to celebrate February 14th like any other day of the week. We don’t claim to have exceptional romance but we have it more that one day a year.

    Now, I have seen over the years, that Valentines day has changed very little as far as the traditions (lingerie, jewelry, chocolates, flowers, and cards) go and one would think it could keep up with the times. Makes me wonder, is Valentines day even meaning anything anymore?

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 11, 2014 @ 12:00:51

      NO…I don’t think men are stupid at all. I actually have one of my own that I keep around. He comes in handy sometimes. πŸ˜‰ I have been hanging around with the same dude for about 26 years now. I can definitely tell you that it is not always romantic….but we do have 4 kids in the mix so it takes some of the romance out. I completely agree with you that it is important to keep up romance more than just one day a year. I am not even really sure what the point of valentines day is. To me…it’s just a day to eat lots of chocolate. You know…more than usual. πŸ˜‰

      Reply

  4. List of X
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 12:15:51

    So, does your doctor call you the morning after the exam to tell you the results?

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 12, 2014 @ 09:27:42

      Nah…..he usually sends a note in the mail. I know….so barbaric right??! He’s very old fashioned…. with the whole…pen and paper, get a stamp, I’m a dinosaur method!!!! And he doesn’t even send chocolates with the note. A-hole!!!!

      Reply

  5. Joy in Comfytown
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 12:36:42

    That is so romantic, bro. Do you think when Dr. VJ goes home, he smells like strange? Lotion and taco strange? Can you imagine HER VD Day?

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 12, 2014 @ 09:22:31

      hahahahha….I can only imagine the smell!! Probably something like the seating area in taco bell would smell at the end of the night after a black friday mad rush. or Walmart….

      Reply

  6. REDdog
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 17:38:54

    Fucking hilarious! Hahahaaaaa! You forcibly expelled tea through my nose with your efforts at trying to keep your mams outta your pits. Happy Vagintines Day Val.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 12, 2014 @ 09:20:03

      πŸ˜‰ So glad I could make you laugh REDdog. My boobs have worked hard for many years….I think they are just tired ya know. πŸ˜‰ I hope you have a great Vagentines Day! Thanks for always stopping by. πŸ™‚

      Reply

  7. Clarissa Emiria
    Feb 12, 2014 @ 01:50:44

    I have always thought of Valentine’s/Vagintine’s Day as a day to celebrate love, period.. πŸ™‚ Not just with your partner, but love of friends and family also, just because more often than not, we tend to forget to tell the people in our lives what they mean to us, and that we love them, either because we are busy, but probably more so because we take it for granted that they know… πŸ™‚ But maybe that is just me being weird πŸ™‚

    Happy V-Day, Miss Vag ❀ I love your blog…

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 12, 2014 @ 09:18:26

      Thank you Clarissa Emiria. I think that is a beautiful way to look at Valentines Day. When it comes down to it….however you choose to see it is what makes it important. I hope you have a wonderful Vagentines filled with lots of chocolate!! πŸ˜‰

      Reply

      • Clarissa Emiria
        Mar 02, 2014 @ 09:02:12

        πŸ˜€ Sorry for taking so long to get back, I’ve been…. Well, kind of away, I guess? I’ve not been on WordPress for a long, long time, at least >_<
        Thank you so much for your reply, I had never dared hope to get a reply from the lovely, and ever funny Vagina herself ❀
        I don't think I had chocolate on Vagintines Day, but that's quite alright, I've had plenty of chocolate since then πŸ˜€

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LOUISE ALLAN

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