I don’t know why this happens to me…. but for some reason, every Valentines day I end up having to go and see my Vagina doctor. It just always works out like that. Us ladies have to go to the doctor once a year, and get our vagina’s looked at. It’s just one of those things that comes along with having a vagina. It has it’s very own special doctor. So every year on Valentines day…. I get myself all ready, shave my legs, and underarms, put on my good smelling lotion(because anyone putting their head anywhere near my vagina gets the good smelling lotion.) It’s just polite ya know. 😉
So here we are again…. Valentines day has come around. Considering every year my date happens to be a dude looking in my Vagina, I like to refer to that day as Vagintines day! It’s been a thing now for the last few years because every year, I am certain I am getting some action down there. Now maybe it is not the kind of action a girl really looks forward to…. but my doctor has this nifty warming thing that warms up that evil silver tongs tool that makes the experience a little less awful.
I still like to go to my happy place when I have to let out the girls (my boob sacks)… yep… I said sacks…. anyway, I still like to go to my happy place when he is giving them the squishy squeezies because it’s just awkward ya know. I mean… my boobs are not as perky as they used to be. Okay… I lied… they were never really “perky.” Listen… they were working boobs for many years. After 4 kids sucked the ever loving life out of them…. they lost their uhmpph, if you know what I mean. They have worked hard and deserve retirement. In other words…. as I am lying there while the doc is doing his thing… I am focusing on trying to prop those bitches up with my arms so they don’t fall in my armpits and disappear. The one thing I do not want to hear from the doctor is… “Um, I can’t find your boobs? Where did they go?” What a nightmare that would be!!
I know some folks really do not look forward to Valentines day. I get it. I mean a day that focuses on Love and being in love, and finding love and all of that…. it can be very irritating to the folks that either have no desire to be in love, or really just haven’t found that right person yet.
My theory of the whole thing is this… you want to get lucky on Valentines day…. make your pap smear appt. on February 14. You will get lucky every damn year!!!!
I have some tips for you though.
Tip 1 – I still don’t shave above the knee for the Vagina doctor…. but depending on who your doctor is, and how much you like them, you might want to. I always forget to shave the actual knee though. Don’t forget to shave the knee ladies.
Tip 2 – Stop using bar soap right now!!! Just do it!!!! Seriously….. think about the first thing you washed in the shower…. now think about the last thing you washed. Now picture the person that was in the shower before you, and imagine the first thing they washed, and the last thing they washed. … Where do you think all those little hairs come from?… yeah… you are welcome!!! Stop using the bar soap!!
Tip 3 – Tip number 2 has nothing to do with Valentines day. Just a little friendly advice.
Tip 4 – Buy lots and lots of chocolate. If you receive chocolate from someone…. awesome. But you need to ensure that you will have back up chocolate. If you happen to not receive any chocolate, you then can pull out the chocolate you already purchased…. Draw a heart on the package…. Hide in the closet… (for the sole purpose of NOT SHARING) and polish off that MOfo!! EVeRY LAST BIT!!!
Tip 5 – It couldn’t hurt to also take some Vodka into the closet with you. Now I know some of you are like “Oh but that seems all alcholic-ish and what not.” But listen, you are already in there with your chocolate, you might as well take the rest of the party in there with you. Think of it as playing hide and seek…. You against the world.
So yeah…. with these tips… your valentines is sure to be the best day ever…. maybe not….
HAPPY VAGINTINES DAY EVERYONE!! ❤
I found some Valentines that I wanted to share with you.
This video was my daughter’s idea. She thought it would be funny to show you all what an idiot I am. So yeah….here it is….my attempt at trying to play a video game.