If I sit down at a restaurant and I ask for coffee, and you bring me decaf…You are dead to me.
If I am in the grocery store buying 2 or “more” bottles of Vodka, and 2 or “more” containers of Ben & Jerry’s, and you ask if I am having a party… then you are dead to me! This is a normal night bitch! Don’t judge…
If I am walking to my car, and you look over the fence to inform me about how high my grass is getting, then you are dead to me.
Blankets that are too short, when you pull them up over your shoulders, and your feet poke out… they are dead to me. I wanted a blanket, not a napkin.
If you sneeze without covering within a 1/2 mile radius of where I am… Dead to me.
When I am walking by a door and my shirt gets caught on the handle and basically pulls me back so hard that I practically decapitate myself… then that door handle is dead to me.
If I am eating a Ben & Jerry’s and you ask me to share, then you are dead to me! Even though you are now dead… for future reference the list of NO SHARE items is this: Cupcakes, Ben & Jerry’s, beverages, any and all products containing chocolate! Memorize it Bitch!
Paper in a notebook without a perforated edge. Dead.
Relish… you are dead to me!!… You are the nastiest thing ever created! And to be honest, to me you were never alive.
If you come into the same public restroom that I am in, and you walk into a stall, make some noise that comes out of your ass… then exit the stall, and keep on going WITHOUT washing your damn hands, then you are dead to me! And now I am fucking stuck in the bathroom because I am NOT touching that door.
The last bit of coffee that gets cold before I get to it is dead to me. DEAD!
If I am sitting at a red light, and look over to see you with your finger so far up your nose it looks like you are touching your brain then you are dead to me.
If you flush the toilet without closing the lid first, then you are dead to me. And you just got poop on everything!
Calories are dead to me! I am sick and tired of them trying to attach themselves straight to my ass!
The 3rd leg down on the right side of my couch is dead to me. It has been for a long time. There is not a day that goes by that I do not stub my toe on it!!
My Itunes password is dead to me!… Literally… dead! I can NOT remember that damn thing to save my life!
If I am in a theater and you are sitting behind me and you prop up your nasty ass shoes on the chair I am sitting in, first… you need to get those mofo’s away from my head, and secondly… you are dead to me.
If you used the very last of the toilet paper, and didn’t even bother to put a new roll on, you are dead to me!
This cough due to the cold I have been walking around with for 2 weeks now is dead to me.
If you are walking through a door in front of me and you don’t even bother to hold it open, but instead just let it go and it slams me in the face, then you are dead to me as is the door.
If I come over to your house for dinner, and you are preparing raw chicken in front of me and DO NOT wash your hands before touching everything else, then you are dead to me. Now I have to go hungry… so thanks a lot.
If you invite my kid over to your kids birthday party, and send my kid home with a whistle… then you are dead to me, and that whistle is dead to my kids because it is now in the bottom of the trash!( and payback sucks!)
The laundry that I forgot about in the washing machine is now all moldy and is smelling dead to me.
When I am trying to drink out of a straw, but it refuses to actually go in my mouth but instead plays the “you can’t catch me” game and bounces around all over my face, then the straw is dead to me.
Any object that I drop, and bend down to pick up just to drop again is dead to me. I only bend over once bitch!
Anything that has more than 4 legs is dead to me! And your imminent death is a certainty!
My 8 yr. olds farts are dead to me…. actually they are killing the environment they are so bad! What the hell is this kid ingesting because the gas he emits in the air is killing the ozone…
Chocolate and Vodka are dead to me!!! Whaaaaaa????…Just kidding! I wanted to make sure you were still listening! 😉 are you??… Then you should watch this video! It’s the Halloween Ghosty special I made just for you! ~