YOU are dead to me…

If I sit down at a restaurant and I ask for coffee, and you bring me decaf…You are dead to me.

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If I am in the grocery store buying 2 or “more” bottles of Vodka, and 2 or “more” containers of Ben & Jerry’s, and you ask if I am having a party… then you are dead to me! This is a normal night bitch! Don’t judge…

 

 

If I am walking to my car, and you look over the fence to inform me about how high my grass is getting, then you are dead to me.

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Blankets that are too short, when you pull them up over your shoulders, and your feet poke out… they are dead to me. I wanted a blanket, not a napkin.

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If you sneeze without covering within a 1/2 mile radius of where I am… Dead to me.

 
When I am walking by a door and my shirt gets caught on the handle and basically pulls me back so hard that I practically decapitate myself… then that door handle is dead to me.

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If I am eating a Ben & Jerry’s and you ask me to share, then you are dead to me! Even though you are now dead… for future reference the list of NO SHARE items is this: Cupcakes, Ben & Jerry’s, beverages, any and all products containing chocolate! Memorize it Bitch!

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Paper in a notebook without a perforated edge. Dead.

 
Relish… you are dead to me!!… You are the nastiest thing ever created! And to be honest, to me you were never alive.

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If you come into the same public restroom that I am in, and you walk into a stall, make some noise that comes out of your ass… then exit the stall, and keep on going WITHOUT washing your damn hands, then you are dead to me! And now I am fucking stuck in the bathroom because I am NOT touching that door.

 
The last bit of coffee that gets cold before I get to it is dead to me. DEAD!

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If I am sitting at a red light, and look over to see you with your finger so far up your nose it looks like you are touching your brain then you are dead to me.

 
If you flush the toilet without closing the lid first, then you are dead to me. And you just got poop on everything!

 
Calories are dead to me! I am sick and tired of them trying to attach themselves straight to my ass!

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The 3rd leg down on the right side of my couch is dead to me. It has been for a long time. There is not a day that goes by that I do not stub my toe on it!!

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Myย Itunes password is dead to me!… Literally… dead! I can NOT remember that damn thing to save my life!

 
If I am in a theater and you are sitting behind me and you prop up your nasty ass shoes on the chair I am sitting in, first… you need to get those mofo’s away from my head, and secondly… you are dead to me.

 
If you used the very last of the toilet paper, and didn’t even bother to put a new roll on, you are dead to me!

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This cough due to the cold I have been walking around with for 2 weeks now is dead to me.

 
If you are walking through a door in front of me and you don’t even bother to hold it open, but instead just let it go and it slams me in the face, then you are dead to me as is the door.

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If I come over to your house for dinner, and you are preparing raw chicken in front of me and DO NOT wash your hands before touching everything else, then you are dead to me. Now I have to go hungry… so thanks a lot.

 
If you invite my kid over to your kids birthday party, and send my kid home with a whistle… then you are dead to me, and that whistle is dead to my kids because it is now in the bottom of the trash!( and payback sucks!)

 
The laundry that I forgot about in the washing machine is now all moldy and is smelling dead to me.

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When I am trying to drink out of a straw, but it refuses to actually go in my mouth but instead plays the “you can’t catch me” game and bounces around all over my face, then the straw is dead to me.

Any object that I drop, and bend down to pick up just to drop again is dead to me. I only bend over once bitch!

 
Anything that has more than 4 legs is dead to me! And your imminent death is a certainty!

 

 

My 8 yr. olds farts are dead to me…. actually they are killing the environment they are so bad! What the hell is this kid ingesting because the gas he emits in the air is killing the ozone…

Louis-CK-quote-Laughing-at-farts

 

Chocolate and Vodka are dead to me!!! Whaaaaaa????…Just kidding! I wanted to make sure you were still listening! ๐Ÿ˜‰ are you??… Then you should watch this video! It’s the Halloween Ghosty special I made just for you! ~

 

 

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31 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. erikamsteele
    Oct 22, 2013 @ 14:39:33

    I have been wondering why there were so many dead people in the world. I figured it was just the start of the zombie infestation.

    Reply

  2. REDdog
    Oct 22, 2013 @ 17:33:19

    I just hope Custer is not dead to you for heading up stairs…such a cute ghost detector…you funny vagina, you

    Reply

    • REDdog
      Oct 22, 2013 @ 18:23:03

      I meant Buster, not Custer…don’t dob me in will you…

      Reply

      • Vagina
        Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:15:06

        REDdog…I knew exactly what you meant! ๐Ÿ˜‰ No worries….Most of the time if it wasn’t for auto correct my posts would be un readable! Wait a minute….that’s not even a word is it??… See what I mean…;)

  3. List of X
    Oct 22, 2013 @ 23:54:08

    Wow, that’s a comprehensive list. The only thing I could add is zombiesโ€ฆ I’m sure zombies are dead to anyone – but erikamsteele beat me to it.
    (Still, I figured I better leave a comment, just in case “You never comment on my blog = you are dead to me” is also something you neglected to mention ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:17:32

      List of X…you will never be dead to me!! I can not imagine a world without those lists!!! But you are right…I did forget to put that one. I hope I am not dead to you now…O.O

      Reply

  4. criss
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 05:22:03

    I am now wondering what does Ben & Jerryโ€™s taste like?? We don’t have it here……..I know…I know… I am now dead to you……. LOL

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:22:24

      I wish I could send it to you!! You will never be the same again!! I should start a petition and send it to Ben & Jerry’s telling them that they need to make this available EVERYWHERE!! They are doing a disservice to humanity by not having this everywhere! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Reply

  5. Jennie Saia
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:36:40

    I laughed so hard. Also: we decide to share an entree at a restaurant and you eat WAY faster than me, causing me the torment of choosing between either shoving that shit down my throat without tasting it or going hungry at the end? Dead to me.

    This game is fun!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:50:05

      haha…I LOVE that one!! I would probably never share the entree though just because I would assume that they would be wolfing it down and leave me with the crumbs at the end!! Not cool!!

      Reply

  6. lisaeggs
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 19:36:13

    Thanks A LOT Vagina! Now I’m so scared I’ll never get any sleep tonight!!!!!! Those kids of yours, I mean THOSE GHOSTS, were terrifying!!!!! And they made me hungry for a sandwich… itunes in its entirety is dead to me. It is so completely NOT user-friendly. I JUST WANT TO SWAP OUT THIS PODCAST FOR THAT PODCAST SO WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET ME DO THAT???? Grrrr…. Also, every librarian in my library is dead to me, because they act as if I’ve really got some nerve trying to use the services that the library offers. And if I ask how the copier works, they act like I’m trying to make butt copies or something. If I have a 40 cent fine, they act like it’s a felony offence, even though I come properly chastened with the 40 cents in hand, begging forgiveness the whole time. DEAD, I tell you, DEAD. One time when my daughter was a toddler, this one librarian gave me a particularly hard time, and my bad-ass daughter climbed up on a chair and pulled this huge hanging quilt down off the wall!!!! It was frickin awesome ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 24, 2013 @ 09:26:23

      haha… I LOVE that story!! Your daughter is the coolest EVER! It’s funny because I was waiting for your comment, and I kept thinking you didn’t like this. Lol…I know I’m a dork, but I LOVE your comments. They crack me up. You didn’t comment for a while and I was like…” Oh no….I hope I am not dead to her!”….;)

      Reply

      • lisaeggs
        Oct 24, 2013 @ 20:26:24

        Heather you goose! You know you’re my favorite ever!!!! I’m all in!!!! One of the best moments of my week is when I find a new Vagina post to crack up over. Another great moment is when I get to show it to my dude and watch him crack up over it!!!!!

      • Vagina
        Oct 24, 2013 @ 22:20:39

        I LOVE you guys!!!! โค

  7. Joy in Comfytown
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 17:59:14

    Hahhaha RELISH! They still make that crap?? My Grandmother called it picalilly. No idea why just like I have no idea why it exists. We can grow fresh fruits and veggies now, people.

    Reply

    • lisaeggs
      Oct 24, 2013 @ 20:47:00

      Vagina and Comfytown, I think you both need to come on over to old New England where we do relish in style and maybe I can change your minds on the whole thing. Last weekend I went to a Relish Festival with my relish-loving husband, I’m not kidding!!!! We do relish and we do it BIG!!!!! And it’s great, I promise!!!!

      Reply

      • Vagina
        Oct 24, 2013 @ 22:20:09

        I bet it is great. Especially in New England!! That is my dream place to visit. I am a California girl, and have always dreamed of going to the East Coast. It is definitely on the to do list! ๐Ÿ˜‰ The thing is…I have this relish block! I told the story to comfytown about my grandma forcing me to eat it, and ever since then…I just can’t do it! It’s a mental block or something. haha…I bet if it was really good relish,…I might actually try it!…um…maybe….maybe not though…;)

      • ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni)
        Nov 07, 2013 @ 10:05:09

        I will say I did make my OWN relish once, well actually it was supposed to be tartar sauce, but I hate mayo, so it was really just onions and pickles diced up and pickle juice, which is delightful!

    • Vagina
      Oct 24, 2013 @ 22:15:29

      haha…Joy, funny story…it is because of my grandma that I hate relish so much. I was like 7 and I was at her house, and she forced me to eat a tuna sandwich with relish in it. I didn’t want to because I thought the relish looked like boogers in the sandwich and she made me eat it! So I ended up puking all over her house and to this day I have not touched relish! I can’t even look at it. I’m scarred!!! I know….I probably should have had some kind of therapy for that, but I grew up catholic, so therapy is an absolute MUST anyway! ๐Ÿ˜‰ I have issues man…..

      Reply

  8. Yolanda Celi
    Oct 26, 2013 @ 09:53:38

    You continue to entertain! I was LMAO. Funny, I hate relish too but not for the same reason you gave. I didn’t think of them as boogers, but now I do. Ewwwwwwww.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 27, 2013 @ 11:01:57

      Yolanda…hahaha…Sorry about that image for relish that you have now. I think if my grandma wouldn’t have forced me to eat it, I might like it better….then again maybe not…;) Thanks for reading! I Love when you comment! โค

      Reply

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  10. jambiethoughts
    Nov 11, 2013 @ 12:53:46

    I loved this one and loved, loved, loved the video. OMG. It made me laugh. It is so cute! I love the dog, and you, and the camera person, and the kids. Hope you keep writing and making the videos. I am hooked. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply

  11. Michelle Q
    Nov 14, 2013 @ 11:44:46

    My child just asked me what I keep laughing at. It’s hard to pick a favorite (although, I am partial to the blanket one. The idea of an inanimate object annoying you to the point of being “dead to me” is so funny – plus, I relate) that I will just say this whole post had me chuckling. Bueno! No, I don’t speak Spanish, you just bring out this whole other side of me. Vagina! (See?)

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 16, 2013 @ 12:09:50

      Oh thank you!! I am so glad you are here!! Really the blanket one is a given. Why do they even make blankets that are little squares and only fit half of your body. They like to call those “throws.” Um….what does that even mean??… I am not throwing anything…I am cold!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Crazy…Thanks so much for your comment.

      Reply

  12. Vagina
    Apr 29, 2014 @ 10:52:40

    Reblogged this on Ooops, I Said Vagina… Again.. and commented:

    Check it out!~

    Reply

  13. El Guapo
    Apr 29, 2014 @ 11:09:23

    Sounds like your dead skeletons will need a condo.
    A closet just isn’t big enough…

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Apr 29, 2014 @ 11:14:21

      I think you are right! Maybe even a multi level ski lodge or something along those lines…It’s probably a good idea to prepare for future “dead skeletons” because I am certain more will arrive soon…

      Reply

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