Expectation vs. Reality. You all know what I am talking about right? You have a wedding that you are suppose to be a bridesmaid in. You have it marked on your calendar, you already have the dress, you have been eating salads and light yogurt for 4 weeks now, and you even went to the hair salon and had your roots dyed the day before the wedding. In your mind you see yourself walking down the aisle fitting fabulously in your dress. Even though the dress is turquoise with a magenta collar, you know that eating all those salads has paid off and your hair is looking great and you will be fine. You know that you are going to be running into people you haven’t seen in years, and they are for certain going to be so enamored at how awesome you look. So you get to the place, your friend who is getting married looks beautiful, and you head to the changing room to put on your dress. BUT… the fucking dress won’t go up over your hips. So you try over the head…. which fucks up your hair completely. You get it on, only to find out it won’t zip up. What the fuck!! All those damn salads and yogurt… why is this not zipping? You have to suck the life out of your lungs to get it to actually zip and you know that if you breathe in even just a little bit, the sides of that dress are splitting. Great! And you have to pee! AWESOME!! So you very carefully hover over the toilet trying not to move around too much so the dress doesn’t bust open, and in the process, piss all down your leg. You actually got some piss on the dress too. You dry up as best as you can with toilet paper O.O! You get ready to walk down the aisle, and you are 3rd in line. The other bridesmaids start walking, and then it is your turn. You are walking with the brides little brother. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, and she needed to place him somewhere. The thing is… you just saw him digging in his nose. Which could be part of the reason he is still without a girlfriend. Anyway… he grabs your hand and you know damn well it was just up his nose. ICK! You both start walking and for some reason you feel a breeze near your ass. When you went to the bathroom, you stuffed the back of your dress in your underwear trying to keep it from falling in the toilet, and completely forgot. Only now as people are staring at you, and the other bridesmaids are making funny gestures do you realize that the back of your dress is still stuffed in your underwear. Cool! This is an example of expectation vs.. reality. No this did not happen to me, well… not exactly like that. Okay… yes I pissed on myself, and yes, the dress wouldn’t go over my ass…. but I remembered to pull the dress out from my underwear. And FYI… her little brother needs to keep his damn fingers out of his nose. He is like 35. Anyway… I created this list of expectation vs. reality for your viewing pleasure. So here ya go.
Taking the kids out to a restaurant:
Expectation – We all sit so nicely and quietly through a wonderful dinner. The waitress brings the kids their drinks and food and the kids politely say thank you so much. She will comment on how polite my kids are because she never sees that. My kids eat the food on their plate, and tell me how great it all is, because I always choose the best restaurants. We have wonderful conversations about how the day was… and the kids tell me how they ate all their food so no need for ice cream afterwords because they are satisfied. We all happily leave the restaurant.
Reality – We ask the person for a booth because it seems a little easier to control these crazy people (my kids) in a booth. They take us to a booth. I am telling the kids what is on the menu, and they HATE everything. They hate this restaurant, they hate the food, they aren’t hungry, and they want to go home! AWESOME!!! Because 5 minutes ago in the car, they were fucking starving!! So we order the food, and the whole time we are waiting my kids are whining that the food isn’t coming fast enough. Finally it arrives, and they don’t like it.
Me: “Try it”
Kid: “Super whine… I don’t like it… it looks mushy, and gooshy… it looks like boogers, I don’t like it”
Oh and big mistake on choosing a booth….they keep turning around to talk to the people in the booth behind us, and annoying them.Dropping food on their side. There is more food on the floor, the table, and the other people than in my kids mouth! AWESOME!!
Going on a date with the husband:
Expectation – I’m dressed to the nines… looking pretty damn hot if I do say so myself. He’s looking hot too! We have the babysitter lined up and she actually arrives on time. The kids are getting along so well, that we are able to slip out the door because no one is fighting and hanging off our leg. We head out to a super fancy restaurant and we fill up on margaritas and hors d’oeuvres. We make it home and the sitter has the kids asleep in their beds. So we have sex all night long….:)
Reality – I’m dressed to the nines… looking pretty damn hot if I do say so myself. He’s looking hot too! As I come out of my bedroom, my son wraps his arms around me and his hands are covered in a substance that is sticky and gross and now it is all over me. I wipe it off as best as I can because I have nothing else clean to wear so I end up having a huge nasty stain that stays sticky all night. Awesome! The baby sitter is 30 minutes late which means we can’t make it to the fancy restaurant we had planned. I guess it’s the pancake house for us.! The kids are freaking out because they want to come and they are fighting and screaming at each other and hanging off of us and all we can do is run for it. Seriously…. RUN FOR IT!!! Not only did the pancake house suck… but we have to stop at Walmart on the way home because the sitter called and said that they ran out of toilet paper and the toilet plugged and she does not know what to do because the 6 yr. old has to go poop, and there is nothing to wipe with. I say use a coffee filter… she says there are none. Walmart on a date night… awesome! We make it home to ALL the kids still awake, and still screaming at each other… so NO SEX TONIGHT!!! Awesome!
Putting on my skinny jeans:
Expectation – Damn these fit so good. Look at my ass in these bad boys. I am friggin HOT!! Look at my ass in this mirror… (making sure to shake it over and over)
Helping in my kids classroom:
Expectation – Me: Hi kids, I’m here to read you a story.
Kids: Yaaaay, we love stories. (all kids sitting quietly just listening to me read to them.)
Reality – Me: Hi kids, I’m here to read you a story.
Kids: You brought that story last time. Is it boring? What is it about?
Me: Well, let’s all listen and we will find out.
As we are sitting and I am reading, one kid farts so loud the whole class starts laughing. Another kid has his finger up his nose so far I swear he pulled out brain matter… and then of course he touches me… EVERY DAMN TIME!! Another kid keeps untying my shoe and trying to re-tie it back up. Dude… leave the shoe and listen to the story!
Going to the gym:
Expectation – I have on my yoga pants, and sneakers… I am ready to get in a good workout. I am going to use the eliptikal, and then maybe the punching bag, and I will try and get some running on the track in. This is going to be the best workout of my life. Maybe I will even take a Zumba class and shake my bootie!
Reality – Oh… They have pumpkin lattes out now…. I’m just going to get a small one. “Yes, can I have a 24 oz pumpkin latte with a raspberry and chocolate scone, and throw in that chocolate chip muffin there. It looks really good.” 🙂
Going to Walmart:
They are exactly the same. Yes..you will see someone’s crack. Yes…you will smell something that you can’t place, but you know it is bad. Yes..you will step in something gross that may never actually come off of your shoe. ( it’s never a good idea to wear open toe shoes to walmart) and Yes…you will witness someone doing something with a motorized cart. It can be a number of different things…but you will see it!
There is also this. I made another video. It seems I have become addicted to making videos for you…so check this out. Expectation vs. Reality…