September 3rd Bitches…

My kids are going to back to school next week. September 3rd is the first day back to school. Now listen…I don’t want to come across as a complete jerk here, but I might. I was the mom that cried on the first day of school for all my kids. Starting with my oldest who is now in college, down to my youngest who started kindergarten last year. I bawled!! I stood at the door and bawled as I watched my baby go in the classroom. It was hard. I knew I would miss them and it is also a sign that they are now getting older and becoming more independent and all of that. Even though inside I know it’s a good thing, it still was heart wrenching. It took me about 3 days to realize how stupid I am!! πŸ˜‰ I was able to do Zumba without having to stop even once. I have NEVER been able to do Zumba without having to stop to help someone with something. It was a miracle. So I was thinking about how school is getting ready to start and decided to write the top ten things I will be doing on the the first day of school. It’s always good to be organized.

 
1) I will pee and poop all on my own. I’m not sure I will be able to manage it considering I have had an audience all summer long, but I’m going to try. The one thing I may miss from having the audience is the moment when you realize there is NO toilet paper, and usually there is someone hanging around the bathroom that can get me some. That could be a problem…but I’ll take it.

paperyyy

 
2) I will drink my coffee in silence. Pure silence….One sip, then another. I won’t have to worry about someone holding drippy yucky hands over my cup and dripping who knows what in my coffee.

caf

 
3) I will eat a Reeses for lunch straight out in the open. I will not duck behind the washing machine or hide in the closet like some kind of animal. I will proudly and openly eat my Reeses. The dog will be judging me with his judgy dog eyes, but I will NOT CARE!

boggy

4) I will pick up the legos, and half of them will accidentally fall into the trash. Shhh…Those bitch legos are getting what they deserve!! No more stabbing me in the foot every time I walk across the floor!! Those bitches are going down….literally…like in the bottom of the trash kind of down…

tumblr_m4r4g5lfzI1rr3l61o1_500

5) I will take a nap!…maybe…I don’t know sometimes I feel weird sleeping in the house when I’m alone. I might have to make sure there is no killer weirdos on the loose or something first….

booze

6) I will go grocery shopping BY MYSELF!! No kids hanging off the cart asking for every damn thing, putting things in the cart that I didn’t even know were there, having to take someone to the nasty public restroom every 3 seconds. I will put chocolate in the cart without the fear that they saw it and are going to steal it from me. I am BAD ASS!!

funny-mom

7) I will watch Doc Mcstuffins instead of Dora because Dora sucks ass. I keep telling these kids that Doc Mcstuffins is better, but they want Dora. Well,…they’re not here now so guess what?! I’m watching Doc!…..suckas…

stay-at-home-mom-funny

8) I will dance all over the damn house with the music blaring really bad songs like Eminem, or Macklemore. The more cuss words the better…

9) I will take a shower AND shave my legs. I might need an industrial razor to get through this forest, …but Imagine this….a full shower…woop!

shaving my legs

10) I will laugh the most evil laugh….just because. I will just sit here and laugh maniacally. The dog will think I am crazy, and if anyone does break in they will definitely think I am crazy…but that’s okay!!

laughing evil

 
So there is my To Do List for September 3rd. I am ready. To be honest…there are also the things I will miss. I will miss my little boy coming in to the room every morning and snuggling up next to me while his hair tuffs poke me in the eye. I will miss laying on the trampoline with the kids at night looking at the stars in the sky. I will miss not having to be anywhere at any certain time!! I will miss Β the late nights with my daughters staying up until 3 in the morning talking about nonsense. I will miss making smores at 10 oclock at night on the grill because it’s still light out. I will miss playing zombie tag in the middle of the day…just because. So now I’m crying. I guess I’m not as Bad Ass as I think. BUT I will enjoy the chocolate….

give-the-bitch-her-chocolate-funny-poster

funny chocoalte

 

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23 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. donofalltrades
    Aug 27, 2013 @ 13:36:15

    Go crazy, momma!

    Reply

  2. Fearless Leader
    Aug 27, 2013 @ 13:42:27

    Nekkid house cleaning is also an option.

    Reply

  3. caffeinejitters
    Aug 27, 2013 @ 15:53:12

    I love the Conan gif! Too true! Haha! Great list.

    Reply

  4. REDdog
    Aug 27, 2013 @ 18:48:46

    So really what you’re saying is, just cos you have a vagina doesn’t mean you are one, even you’d to think you could be…just makes you even nicer really. Love yer list, so glad I’m a bloke. Cheers REDdog

    Reply

  5. TJ
    Aug 28, 2013 @ 04:53:49

    If you struggle to pee or poop I’ve got just the song for you http://phunkblog.com/altered-nursery-rhymes-twinkle-twinkle-little-star-potty-version/
    I work full time so the only days I get like that are when I’m sick.
    Sometimes I hope I’ll get sick πŸ˜›

    Reply

  6. lisaeggs
    Aug 28, 2013 @ 06:20:24

    Heather, how do you create these masterpieces of American womanhood??? I am the same exact way, I cried so hard when they first left for school. Ya, not anymore. But now I’m so jealous because I am sending only a fraction of my kids to school this year. Last year I was pregnant and the big kids were all at school, so I got a taste of solo peeing. But now I have a babe on the loose so it’s back to NOT being home alone during the school day. These pictures are cracking me up!!! Do me a favor and throw a little running man in there somewhere, AFTER you “pick up” the legos!!!!! xoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Aug 28, 2013 @ 10:54:10

      haha…I was thinking about you today and waiting for your comment. πŸ˜‰ Not in a stalkery way…maybe a little stalkery…but I was wondering what you thought of the running man video? When I posted it I was thinking about you. Lol I knew you would like it. πŸ™‚ I am trying to get enough courage up, but I may be doing a running man video because I am a complete dork and I said I would on my facebook page. bleh….I am going to do it…I may just need lots of vodka first….

      Reply

      • Lisa Eggers
        Aug 28, 2013 @ 19:37:16

        OH MAN, thanks for saying that because somehow I missed the running man video!!!! How did that happen???? Heather if you do a running man video then I’M going to be stalking YOU and doing the running man outside of your window because that will make you my frickin hero for life!!!!! Okay, going back to watch the running man video NOW!!! πŸ™‚ YAY!

      • Vagina
        Aug 30, 2013 @ 15:05:32

        hahaha…I am really going to try and get it done this weekend. I have been wanting to do it, I’m just putting it off because I need to die my hair ( my roots are gray) and I’m a big old chicken!! πŸ˜‰ I’m doing it though….Stay tuned….:)

      • Vagina
        Aug 30, 2013 @ 15:40:53

        um…I meant I am going to have to DYE my hair, not die my hair!! O.o I will also need to double up on my bra’s before I let loose because the girls do as they please these days….

      • Lisa Eggers
        Aug 28, 2013 @ 19:52:00

        OKAY I watched it and so did my nosy husband over my shoulder and we both frickin loved it!!!!! Hubs also got a huge kick out of the stay at home mom poster as did i πŸ™‚ I love how Dancin’ Kim says “YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH YOUR ARMS!!!!!” Hell ya, KIM! That’s why it’s the world’s greatest dance move!!!!!

      • Vagina
        Aug 30, 2013 @ 15:06:27

        Isn’t that video hilarious!!!! I couldn’t resist!! Dancing Kim taught me everything I need to know in life…

  7. lisaeggs
    Aug 30, 2013 @ 21:04:30

    Oh Vagina, you are the greatest!!!! “Double up on my bras” You kill me! Thank goodness you are in my life: today was the shittiest of the shitty and this made me smile for the first time all day!!!!!! xoxoxoxo

    Reply

  8. criss
    Sep 02, 2013 @ 05:28:41

    Ahhh the mixed emotions of kids going back to school. Enjoy the peace , they will be home soon enough. Love your writing, you always make me giggle.

    Reply

  9. lisaeggs
    Sep 09, 2013 @ 19:05:04

    Lady, I can’t wait anymore! Post that Running Man, PUHLEEESE! πŸ™‚ xoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Sep 09, 2013 @ 21:18:09

      I’m on it!! I’m posting it tomorrow. I hope you don’t have to wash your eyes out after watching it. πŸ˜‰ Me doing The Running Man = CRAZYYYY!!!

      Reply

  10. Maggie @ projectawesomemom.com
    Sep 11, 2013 @ 19:17:10

    Haha the shave legs made me LOL. Me too though, me too.

    Reply

  11. jambiethoughts
    Nov 11, 2013 @ 13:02:32

    You made me laugh and then you made me a little sad. Good job. Just kidding. Loved it.

    Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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