Kids are weird! They say and do weird shit. They can be cute at times, and they can be funny… but let’s face it… they are fucking weird. I know because I had 4 of those little people claw their way straight through my vagina to get here. I also was a kid once. When I think back, I remember doing some weird shit too. We tend to forget as we get older and become more “normal” about the weird shit we did. You can ask your parents, and they might have a story or two, or maybe your kid ends up doing something off the wall, and it jars a memory of some bat shit crazy thing you did. The thing about being a parent is… we have these weird crazy people living in our house, and we find ourselves doing just as much crazy shit to appease these people, and then once they become semi-normal, they move out and go off and have wonderful lives! It just doesn’t seem fair. Hey kid… remember the time you screamed your friggin head off because you didn’t like the way the car seat felt on your butt, so I had to stick my hand under your butt for a 3 hour trip because that was the ONLY thing that got you to stop screaming? OR remember the time you freaked out if your sock was on the “right” way? It had to be inside out or you would sit on the ground freaking out because it felt weird. So every sock has to be inside out, BUT every shirt has to be backwards because you like the tag in the front, not the back.
My brother was over for dinner, and we got on the subject of how kids do weird things. I was telling him about how my son licked a tree at school because he thought it was maple syrup. Yes… I freaked out, because we don’t have maple syrup trees around these parts, and just because something is oozing out of a tree, that doesn’t mean you should lick it. My brother was telling me he used to lick all kinds of weird things and he is okay. Hm…. maybe “okay” is going too far! ;)~ And he told me a story from when we were kids. See… we grew up in the Bay Area. I’m a California girl. I grew up on a city street with gutters, and sidewalks, and paved roads. My brother told me a story about when he was around 8 or so, he was outside and got thirsty, so instead of going in the house to get a drink like a normal person, he saw water in the gutter and figured… hey, I’ll just drink that! So he bent down to the gutter and drank the water. Um… just think about that for a minute! Gutter water from the city is probably worse than shitty irrigation ditch water from the country because you have NO idea what is in that gutter! ick! The husband pipes in with his story about how when he was in kindergarten some girl stole his pencil, so he climbed in a tree and pissed on her. Yep… pissed on her from the tree. Well…. that is one way to handle people stealing from you I guess.
I started thinking back to some of the weirder things I did, and I remember very clearly hanging out with the dog and sharing his dog food. Like I would give him a piece, then I would eat a piece… then give him a piece, then me. Yes… I ate dog food. I don’t know why…. because I was weird! All kids are weird. They don’t think right. My 13 yr. old daughter was telling me a story about when she was around 9, she used to play with a couple of neighbor boys down the street, and she said they were making mud milkshakes, but they were actually drinking them. Like with a dirty straw that they found in the street. Of course I freaked out, and was like… “You didn’t try any of that milkshake did you?” …she gave me the shifty eyes and said no! I think she tried it…
I don’t understand what goes through a kid’s mind. I was thinking back, …I may have been more crazy than your average kid. Me and a few of my friends decided we wanted to climb up to my friends roof on her house and jump off of it. You know…. for fun! Back in those days, they didn’t have bouncy houses and trampolines… so we just jumped off of our rooftops. The thing is… because we were idiots, we used the backyard furniture cushions to break our fall. Those cushions were not very cushion-y if you know what I mean. So here we were taking turns jumping off the roof and landing on chair cushions. I remember jumping and thinking.. it’s just like flying... until you land! Anyway…one of the neighbor kids that was jumping missed the cushion. Not only did he miss the cushion, he didn’t land right on his leg. He started crying and we all helped him limp home. The next day he had a cast on his leg. He broke it! Good times!!
When my 13 yr. old was 5, she went through this phase where every time we left the house, she was certain it was going to burn down, so she had to bring a suitcase filled with all of her favorite things. Like EVERY damn time. Even if we were just going down the street, she had to bring the suitcase. It drove me NUTS! Then it turned into 2 suitcases. Then it was 2 suitcases and a grocery bag filled with things. I would argue with her, but some arguments just are not worth the fight so I would load up the suitcases every time we left. She outgrew that weird stage just to go right into the stage of never, ever walking into a room alone. EVER!! If she had to go to the bathroom, I had to stand in there, if she needed something out of her room, someone always had to walk to the room with her, and forget going to bed alone at night. She eventually grew out of that stage as well. It seems like once kids stop being completely weird, they don’t want to be around you anymore. Shit heads!! Kidding… I’m only kidding…. I’m actually not kidding because it’s true… but yeah.
This last school year, I went to pick up my 6 yr. old after school, and her teacher pulled me aside to tell me that she had a problem in the bathroom. She wouldn’t go poop at school and told the teacher it was because I wouldn’t let her! O.O.. So the teacher asked me about it and I said “Nope..she is NOT aloud to poop at school. That is the number one rule in our house!” NOOOO I didn’t… I was MORTIFIED!!! I was so embarrassed because my kid made it seem like I’m some crazy lady who doesn’t allow her kids to poop at school. Of course she is allowed to poop! As long as it is in a toilet, I’m happy. I was certain that the teachers were going to think I was a complete weirdo, when in reality… my 6 yr. old is the weirdo. I don’t know why, but kids really are just plain weird. Maybe they are not using their full brain capacity… then again there are plenty of grown ups that aren’t either.