“It was the night that the lights went out in My fucking house!”

It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia. I realize that I am way aging myself with this post. “It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia” is a song that was recorded in 1972 by Vickie Lawrence. Some of you might remember her as “mama” from the 1986 show Mama’s family. She was also on the Carol Burnett show in the early days. The song was then re-done by Reba Mcintyre in 1991. I believe they also made a 1981 film, starring Kristy McNichol, Dennis Quaid, Mark Hamill, which was very loosely inspired by the Vicki Lawrence song of the same name (it shares almost no plot elements with the original song). In 1973, Tanya Tucker recorded a different version (on an album of the same name) and her altered lyrics were used as the basis for the plot line of the movie, which is not the same as the story of the original song. New lyrics related to the plot of the film were written. Okay… ALL that to be the opening for “It was the night that the lights went out in my fucking house!” Not loosely based on or anything like the songs or movie at all. I just thought the title sounded good. The other night someone hit a power line nearby, and pretty much knocked everyone off the grid for about 6 hours. It felt like 3 days. Go ahead…. call me a pussy! I am. I proudly wear that title. Well…. I prefer to go by Vagina, but let’s be real… it’s basically the same thing. Let me start off by saying I am officially a city girl through and through that lives in the middle of NOWHERE! I grew up in the city, and lived right next to the ocean most of my life… then we moved to Montana. I LOVE Montana. I had my babies in Montana and am raising them here in the country, and it is beautiful, and I consider this home now. BUT my heart will always be in California. I am a Bay Girl at heart. I am not so great with the outdoorsy country life. I may have said this before in another post… True Story: I took a quiz on Facebook about what is the best kind of tent to use when you go camping and I got The Hilton. This is my truth folks. So, a city girl living in the middle of Montana and the lights go out for 6 hours = pussy! It starts out with me on the toilet. Yep… Next thing I hear… The husband comes to the door of the bathroom and says “Honey…the power went out!” It’s a good thing I married him because shitting in the dark wasn’t clue enough that the power went out.

blackout

Side Note- Why is there always the person that announces when the power goes out? Chances are most people can already tell. So, I finish my business and head out to the living room where the scene is something you would see out of an apocalyptic end of the world movie. 4 kids huddled around a computer screen like they were looking at the last piece of bread on the planet. It was my oldest daughters laptop and it was giving off some light. They were reminiscent of the bugs that all swarm around a light pole. The husband was looking for candles and flashlights, while tripping over every damn toy on the floor. It went something like this… “I can’t find the… damn I stepped on something…. do you know where… OUCH!! what the flip was that…. Are the candles in the…. CRAP I think that was a lego!”

legos

We have been having a heat wave of misery around these parts, and the air conditioner has been on non stop since June 29th. It is hot as fried hell outside these days. The power went off and within 30 minutes it raised 3 degrees in the house. Listen…I openly admit to my lack of survival skills. I have none. Like none. ZERO survival techniques. I have watched Duel Survival and I saw the guy drink his own piss. NOPE…I will make my amends in life, and say my goodbyes and take a nice trip to the after life paradise before I will drink my own piss. When I get there I will be drinking a Mai Tai poolside while looking down at the folks drinking their own piss.

piss number 2

But… I got off subject again. I do that! You should see what it’s like to have a conversation with me in real life. O.O So the husband is tripping over things and looking for candles, the kids think the world is ending, and I am just worried about the house getting hot. When we lose power in our house, nothing works. Like you can’t flush toilets, and there is no running water. The husband had called the power company and they informed us it is going to be a while before we get power back. We decide to hop in the car and head to the store to get some water just in case it’s off for a really long time. Plus sitting in the dark house isn’t fun anymore. I realized through this experience how dependent we are on electricity. You don’t realize it when you are going about your day and just doing your thing, but once you are literally off the grid, you get a pretty good idea of how dependent you actually are on things. We all dropped our lighted electronics to jump in the car and get some water and red vines at the store… because how the fuck are you going to get through a black out without red vines? Don’t even try and argue with me on this!! It seems everyone else had the same idea, because they were all buying loads of water. I got the family size package of Red Vines though because this blackout could last for a very long time and I need to make sure I am properly stocked up. We make it home and upon opening the front door and all of us entering at the same time in a dark house we all basically fell on top of each other. Like a dog pile . Tripping over each other and tripping over shoes. Someones face always ends up in someones ass when that happens. Then the expected.- The 6 yr old has to go potty. But this is how that conversation went.

 
The 6 yr. old: “I have to go potty, and my tummy doesn’t feel good.”

 
Me: “What do you mean it doesn’t feel good? Are you going to throw up?”

 
The 6 yr.old: “Maybe…or have diarrhea.”

 
Me: “You realize we can’t flush the toilet, right?.”

 
The 6 yr. Old: *shrug!

 
Okay… not only can we not flush that situation… we can’t wash our hands after. Side Note- Which is one of my top reasons for hating camping. The washing hands thing!!

NOT_WASH

The kid goes to the bathroom and now we have to use half the water we just bought to have her wash her hands because I DO NOT trust a 6 yr. old’s hands. Especially after a “bad tummy.”
The house is now 100 degrees inside even with the windows open, it’s dark as fuck and I am miserable and completely aware of my inability to survive the apocalypse. Basically I’m fucked!! Listen, I realize people of the past lived this way for centuries… but I am weak. Do you hear me? I like air conditioning, and running water, and the internet. Finally I just make a big bed in the living room out of pillows and blankets and just let the kids crash there.

hot

The 8 yr old: “Can we have popcorn?”

 
Me: “That would be great but I can’t make popcorn without the microwave.”

 
Sadly, this made me realize that I am lost without my microwave. I know there are folks that do the popcorn on the stove and I say more power to them. But if I can open up a bag and stick it in the micro then 2 minutes later I have a nice big bowl of popcorn, why would I want to stand over a stove and try and pop corn. I remember when I was a kid, my parents were so excited about the new fancy popcorn machine they bought. This thing had a little cup on top to melt the butter and once you put the popcorn in the machine and it starts popping then you dump the butter in it. That machine took forever to make the popcorn and we would sit there just waiting and waiting and then it would be one kernel…. then another kernel… then 2 kernels. It was torture. Plus the popcorn always tasted like packing peanuts. Just styrofoam-y. At least with the microwave popcorn, you are getting an even distribution with the butter.

2 popcorn

Finally, the kids settle down and fall asleep and at about 4 in the morning the power came back on. Which meant everything that was on when it went off blasted back on in full force. Talk about shitting your pants. We all wake up thinking someone bombed the house because the TV was on and for some reason loud as frick, and the alarm on the house that is for the septic system is blazing loud. Not only are we awake now, I am pretty sure the whole neighborhood is up. Fun times!! Well… at least the air conditioner is working again. Through this whole experience I learned a lot about myself. I am dependent on the finer things in life like air conditioning and internet, and microwave popcorn. And I am a wussy, pussy… but you can call me Vagina!

 

I have to say two things…1) Can you believe I used 2…count them 2 pictures from Lord of the Rings in this post? and 2) I am not a super fan of country music but you have to watch this video…seriously…It’s one of those things that you just keep watching and your really not sure why, you just can’t look away.

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20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. astraltravler
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 11:46:13

    My Dear Friend “Bay Girl”,
    San Fernando “Valley Girl” hear to tell you Naw your age doesn’t show.. I know that song, and remember when it was played frequently on the radio. In any case sounds like you had Quite An Ordeal. Thank goodness your not a Florida resident as I am. With a hurricane or strong tropical storm we can be out of power for DAY’S. That’s why we own a generator. I’m happy to hear your electricity was restored. I too admit I’m Definately a Creature of Comfort. From the air conditioned house to the car to the store. Thanks for sharing, I know this was very unpleasant & trying for you, while it was occurring. Although admittedly you put a Smile on my face. Have A Great Day with Electricity : )
    Your Friend,
    Anastasia

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:02:40

      Oh thank you so much for your comment. I was probably putting on more of the “drama” than needed to be. I was hoping to make smiles with this. Do you remember the Loma Prieta earthquake of 89? I was in Cali during that time and we were without power for many days. Being from San Fernando you probably remember many of the pretty bad earthquakes from those parts. It’s funny how when stuff like that happens I become acutely aware of how dependent I really am on things.

      Reply

      • astraltravler
        Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:07:20

        Yes I do remember that particular quake. How long have you been in Montana? I just came back from the “valley”. I had spent 3 weeks back home. I can say Thank Goodness we don’t have traffic like Los Angeles. 😊

      • Vagina
        Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:18:03

        Oh yes…completely agree on the traffic. SO BAD!!! I got my drivers license when I was 16 in California, and I learned to drive down there, but I have been in Montana for close to 20 years now so I have forgotten much of the “crazy” skills you need to get around down there. I have family still there, and get back to visit but not as often as I would like. BTW…one of my favorite movies from the 80’s was “Valley Girl”…So Cal baby!!! Even though I am a Bay Girl…I would spend lots of time in So Cal as well.

      • astraltravler
        Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:24:25

        Oh yes as I too learned to drive in Cal. In fact while I still had my learner’s permit, My Dad had me drive on the freeways. I must say although drivers are more assertive/aggressive. When you let someone in your lane etc your always thanked by a wave. Although I do it here mainly by habit, I’ve never seen courtesy shown in any other state, and certainly Not Here in Fl. 😊

      • Vagina
        Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:31:30

        Yeah…I know what you mean. Here people just pass you. That is the big thing. On all the 2 lane roads everybody is passing everybody. It causes a lot of car crashes. The one thing I had to get used to is driving behind huge tractors. They just get on the road like every other car and go 5 miles an hour down the road. O.O

      • astraltravler
        Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:36:54

        Oh yes…We lived in a rural area, for a short time. You would think they would pull close to the side to let u pass. But NO. What amazes me is there could be a caravan of vehicles behind the tractor and they happily drive as if…Uugghhh.

  2. donofalltrades
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 12:58:41

    I have nothing clever to add to the discussion, I just like that when you respond it says that Vagina responded to my comment. Lol.

    Reply

  3. lisaeggs
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 20:22:05

    First of all, I just watched that entire crazy video!!! What WAS that??? All the dramatic talking over the music! HAHAHA! You sure do know your “Lights Went Out in Georgia” history!!!! Okay, now Vagina, let’s get down to business… There are so many great one-liners in this post I don’t even know where to begin, and I loves me some good old fashioned one-liners! I think my faves are “Someone’s face always ends up in someone’s ass” and “they were looking at the computer screen like it was the last piece of bread on earth”. HA! I love how you say you’re a city girl living in the country because that is exactly how I think of myself! I am totally un-cut-out for this rural life but I just ignore that, apparently! I love the Bay area, it’s my favorite. I would be living there now if I didn’t have all these kids to raise somewhere that seemed appropriate and somewhat affordable! My kids actually get psyched up for power outages. WHAT?!?! Over here the outages never last for less than 18 hours and can go on for frickin days of agony so I feel you!!! Outages are the worst, I always lose all the food in my freezer and all the kids need to pile in my bed b/c it’s either the only cold place or the only warm place, because our generator will only power up one room for AC or an electric heater!!! Grrrr…. Heather, I hope you don’t mind these epic rambling comments on your blog, you just really bring out the passionate comment-poster in me!!!! And I would never call you anything less than Vagina, don’t worry!!! xoxoxo LOVE, Lisa

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jul 30, 2013 @ 22:17:25

      Lisa,
      If you didn’t leave your amazing comments on my blog, I would probably end up in the fetal position bawling my eyeballs out. I LOVE, love your comments! I really look forward to them. Everything you wrote here is exactly how I see things. We have never even met, and I swear we think exactly alike! You are the reason I love blogging. It’s when people can relate to my story, or even just laugh because of what I wrote. I have found a forever friend through you..so please keep coming back! I Love your comments. ❤

      Reply

      • lisaeggs
        Jul 31, 2013 @ 19:15:13

        Not to worry, I’m sticking around!!! Just don’t forget me when your awesome writing goes viral and you get a book deal!!!! I know you wouldn’t forget me because you are too cool to be like that!!!!!! Thank you for calling me a forever friend, aw shucks Heather, I feel the same way!!!! xoxoxoxo LOVE, Lisa

  4. beckysaysthings
    Jul 31, 2013 @ 09:42:45

    What a nightmare! I would have had such a tantrum. It wouldn’t have helped. Stamping my foot in the dark with no one to see.
    And that video is frikkin hilarious. And extremely weird.
    This post made me chuckle considerably 🙂

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jul 31, 2013 @ 18:18:18

      HA!! Your posts always crack me up so thank you for the compliment, it means a lot coming from you. Isn’t that video absolutely ridiculous??…I couldn’t help but post it…

      Reply

  5. Paula
    Jul 31, 2013 @ 20:43:10

    My love u crack me up. U and ur Vagina name. U write these great blogs I have told u since we where 6 to write a book already. I love u sis

    Reply

  6. lisaeggs
    Aug 01, 2013 @ 16:56:13

    Yo Vagina, Thanks to you and your hilarious post I’ve been driving my kids crazy from spontaneously singing that ridiculous song all over the house today!!!! Just thought you’d like to know!!! 😉

    Reply

  7. victoriabruce
    Aug 02, 2013 @ 04:53:10

    I know! I am not a outdoorsy type either so at least I married one. Living in Africa I am getting used to the power outages. Hence the gym membership I only use when I need a hot shower and the gas stove for emergency popcorn.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Aug 02, 2013 @ 11:49:45

      WOW…Africa! Now I kind of feel like an asshole! You get to wear the title of outdoorsy plus you get to wear the title of Awesome because I can’t even imagine the level of hot days you have to endure. You definitely Win!! 🙂

      Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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