Assholes, Popcorn, and Benedict… ( spoiler alert!)

The people that came from my vagina had an idea.

Them: “Hey mom…let’s go watch the new Star Trek! We really want to see it and the amazing Benedict Cumberbatch is in it so we HAVE  TO! Come on mom…let’s go watch it!”

Me: “Yeah but I hate going to the movies. It always ends up being a crappy experience for me.”

Them: “AWW come on mom…BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH..!!!! ”


Me: “Fine….but we’re smuggling in our drinks because I would have to hawk  my wedding ring to afford those prices. And we’re smuggling in some mike and ike’s too….”

Side Note- If you’re going to smuggle in cans of soda, it’s always best to choose a movie with explosions because you need that exact moment to be able to pop the top. If you’re watching a romance and all of a sudden you hear…KKkcchssssssss..clink clink…then everyone knows you just opened a pop can and you’re busted!


So we stuff our bag with some goodies, and head to the theater. Standing in a FOREVER line because EVERYBODY wants to watch the Man of Steel. I have people literally setting up camp in my ass crack because they somehow think that will put them closer to superman! BACK THE FUCK UP!!! Superman is NOT in my ass crack so calm the frick down. As I am listening to everyone getting their ticket, I keep repeating what I will say…Star Trek, 7:45 showing , Star Trek, 7:45 showing…I get up to the window…

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “What movie ma’am?”

….and of course I forget because every single person in front of me is like “OH MY GOD….man of steel, man of steel.”

Me: “Um….well…..”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “What movie ma’am?”

Me: “Star Trek, 7:45…yeah, that’s it.”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “Okay 9:45.”

Me: “Yeah but I wanted the 7:45….”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “Yes ma’am. I know. The price is $9.45…”

Me: “Ohhhhhh yeahhhhh….O.O”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: *insert eye roll…


FINALLY got my ticket, and here we go. But first we have to make our way through the horde of people in the popcorn line. These people are like ravenous crazy people. They are pushing through each other like they have been in a desert somewhere that didn’t allow popcorn, and now they finally got some and they must shovel it into their faces by the handful because they may never get their hands on it again. Calm down folks. Plus I think that “buttery substance” they drizzle on the top is actually a brain implant that they are using to keep track of everyone and plant subliminal messages inside of their heads. Obviously I watch entirely too much science fiction. Off to watch Star Trek we go!

the popcorn line

Another side note- If you are going to smuggle in food, do not choose the gigantic bag of cool ranch doritos. You will surely get caught. As we are standing there, 2 movie greeter people approach a guy who CLEARLY has a big bag of doritos stuffed in his coat and let him know that under no circumstance is he allowed to take chips in the theater….unless of course he wants to buy the nachos that they sell there. The 24 dollar nachos!!! 1st thing is, dude, if you are going to smuggle food, you need something better than just your coat. Like a man purse or even a satchel. Second problem with this….if it’s a bag of chips, again you are going to need a movie with lots of action or yelling because they are going to here that crinkle crinkle rip as you open it up. Nachos don’t make that sound. So if you have a bag of chips and try and open them with that crinkle sound, of course the theater nazis will come rushing in yelling “We don’t sell doritos here….OUT with you…OUT!” and nobody wants that.

Mature Man Eating Potato Chips in Movie Theater Auditorium

We get into the theater and it’s not too packed so we get seats right smack dab in the middle. Woo Hoo! We sit down, and all of a sudden the mass of people start to rush in the door. Running up the stairs like bulls running through spain. People racing to seats, and tripping in the aisles. Holy fuck people…there are enough seats for everybody, chill out. MAJOR PET PEEVE in a movie theater….I can not stand it when the person that is sitting behind me props their nasty, dirty shoes right up next to my head! Um…excuse me ass wipe, but I am sitting here, and I do not want you putting your dirty shoes that you stepped in dog poop with, and to clean them all you did was wipe them off in grass, then you used at least 3 public toilets, and stepped in gum, plus took the elevator that some schmo pissed in, and now you are going to put those nasty things right next to my head. NOPE…don’t think so. It’s RUDE! You are not sitting on your couch….this is not your bed, so sit the fuck up like a normal person and get your damn shoes off my chair! Then you always have the human giraffe that sits directly in front of you. Or the lady that purchased the as seen on tv bump it and decided to do her hair all up nice and high for the movie tonight.


I made the mistake of wearing flip flops because something crawled across my foot and I flipped out. I still don’t know what it was….but I jumped, and took my foot out of the flip flop which ended up actually touching the ground. BIG MISTAKE! MY friggin foot was stuck to something on the floor. Whatever was on the floor was so sticky, I could not get my foot out of it. The movie hadn’t even started yet, and all I wanted to do was take a shower. And why are the arm rests always sticky too? What the hell are people doing in these things!!! Here we are waiting for the movie to start, watching a dancing hot dog on the screen and the fuck-face behind me is making the grossest noises imaginable. Obviously this guy has a cold, or some other horrible disease so he figured… “Oh..I’m too sick to go out, so I’ll just go to the movies and infect everybody there!”…If you sneeze on me dude, that hotdog on the screen won’t just be dancing…it will be in your ass!!! The movie finally starts and it was all “Captain Kirk” and “Never trust a vulcan” and “You should have let me sleep”….and total awesomeness! Why is their always a guy that thinks every line in the movie is funny. Seriously this guy laughed through the scene where Captain Kirk died. Um…sorry….I didn’t mean to give that away. SPOILERS!  I have decided that even though I loved the movie, going to the actual movies is just not worth it. The person that invented NETflix is brilliant!!


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 11:53:50

    Explosions and opening soda cans…funny!


  2. List of X
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 12:29:34

    You know, I just don’t get the obsession to buy food and drinks for a two hour long movie. I mean, seriously, you can’t survive for two hours without food and water?? What are you, a 3 months old baby??
    Smuggling food is better, because it shows you’ve put some thought into planning and knew what you’re getting into in advance.


    • Vagina
      Jul 09, 2013 @ 12:55:06

      Yeah…very true. When you put it that does seem ridiculous. It’s not like we are stranded on an island somewhere and need to catch our own fish to eat, and boil our water to drink. Although the prices for water at the theater you really are better off bringing in your own mini grill and boiling your water there, and if you do that, then you might as well throw some steaks on…I mean, your already grilling so….


  3. Claudia Bette
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 12:42:54

    Brilliant redition of how it is to go to the theatre. I actually have been going to a lot of movies at the theatre recently. There are great movies out this summer. Everything you say is true. I always bring in food because I refuse to pay those prices even though I don’t like the movie theatre popcorn and I don’t eat candy or nachoes with day old cheese sauce. But my kid always wants the “Kid Pack” when we go so I treat him with that. I bring in mostly just water. But when my sister and I went to see Great Gatsby, we bought Coldstone’s and stuffed them in my huge purse, then when it got dark, we enjoyed!

    And, uh, yeah, Benedict should have been left to sleep….RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!



  4. apleasanthouse
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 14:24:04

    I usually go in with a HazMat suit on.


  5. lisaeggs
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 20:34:44

    “Superman is not in my ass crack so calm the frick down” : possibly the greatest blog quote ever? YES. The last movie I went to see was the Hunger Games and I was some odd months pregnant and some douche threw a skittle at my head and cracked up when I went “OW DUDE!” so I had to stand up and say something like, “DUDE you just hit a pregnant woman in the head with a fricken skittle you douche!” and then spend the rest of the movie being known to all as the awkward yelling pregnant woman. So YES, from one vagina to another, you are speaking the truth and I say, SING IT, SISTER! xoxo


    • Vagina
      Jul 11, 2013 @ 11:13:51

      hahaha….I think you handled a skittle to the head pretty friggin good. When it comes to a pregnant woman, you never know what could happen. YOU DO NOT MESS WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN!! You get points for not throwing something back. 😉


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