Kids are cute! They do funny things, and say funny things. Do you remember the old show “Kids say the darnedest things?” They were actually able to make a whole show about the stuff kids say because they really do say some crazy shit. It’s usually funny as hell, and on the rare occasion you get the creepy as hell…but most of the time, my kids entertain me completely with the random stuff that flies out of their mouth. I write a lot of it down because some of that is just too good to forget. I have posted tons of things my kids say on my facebook page and as I was going back through some of it, I realized my kids had actually given me enough material for an entire blog post. So…without further adieu …Here is a collection of the crazy things that my kids have said! * If you happen to be a facebook “friend” you may have seen some of this already. It’s worth reading again:
The 6 yr. old: (as I’m putting her to bed) Don’t forget that you promised to play dolls with me tomorrow.
Me: I won’t.
The 6yr. old: Make sure you don’t forget, write it down!
Me: Okay…I will
The 6yr. old: Then tape it to yourself…
The 6yr. old: Mom, I wanted to help you so I put the toilet paper on the holder and now it’s all ready for the next wiper….
The 21 yr. old (who still lives at home): *putting the chiweenie around her neck* Check it out, the dog is my new accessory
The 12 yr. old: Yeah….that’s designer wear too because he has eyebrows….and eyebrows are cool….
The 6 yr. old: Mom come and look at this video thing I want to show you…
Me: Just a second honey, I am reading an article .
The 6 yr. old (said with a super whine): Pleaseeeeeee come NOWWWWW, I want to show you something…
Me: I’m almost done with this article, just one second.
The 6 yr. old: What is it even about???
The 6 yr. old: Forget Obama I need Omama…
The 6 yr. old was reading one of the 21 yr. old’s papers that she wrote for her class. The word that she was sounding out was assess! The sentence… “We must assess this situation carefully.”
The 6yr.old: AAASSESSS…es.
Me: no honey…it’s Uh ses. Like the UH sound.
The 6yr. old: I know what it says…I can read and it says ASSS ES.
Me: Okay….stop sounding it out so loud!
The 8 yr.old: Did you know that drugs are so bad? They are really, really bad because they take away your things and eat them.
The 6yr. old: Yeah….drugs are so bad, they always take away your things, and eat everything.
The 8 yr. old: Wait,…I mean slugs…..yeah slugs are really, really bad because they take away your things and eat them.
The 6 yr.old: Oh yeah, slugs do that.
Me: hm…. O.O
The 6 yr. old: Mom I want a Hot Pocket.
Me: Those are bad for your tummy, some people call them diarrhea pockets.
The 6 yr. old: Ewwwww gross, why would someone call them diarrhea pockets?
Me: Because when you eat them you get diarrhea.
The 6 yr. old: NUH UH…….wait….that’s actually true….
Me: This morning I blogged about my horrible breakfast making skills.
The 12 yr. old: Oh yeah, well my friend’s mom always makes him sauteed veggies for lunch.
Me: How in the world does she send veggies for lunch??..
The 12 yr. old: Tupperware Mom…..she uses tupperware…
Seriously who the fuck thinks of tupperware?
*Sitting next to each other in the car*
The 6yr. old: You need a mint, your breath stinks
The 8 yr. old: I just farted
The 6 yr. old comes running out of the room crying her eyeballs out, yelling, “The dog ate my barbies head off, HE ate her head OFF!!”
When I say yelling…I mean yeeelling. This is some serious drama up in here. …so she is freaking out and hands me this headless pointy toed mini barbie. All I can think is Karma is a bitch ain’t it you evil pointy toed devil!! Your time has come!!…Your head is gone…and you only have half an arm, I knew this day would come. You will stab me in the foot NO MORE!
The 6 yr. old: MOm, why do you seem happy about my doll’s head gone??
ME: blink, blink, blink..
The 12 yr. old: Mom..check out my boob guns.
The 6yr. old: Mommy, yours are more like drippy….like drippy boob sacks.
Me (in my head): Did she really just say drippy boob sacks….(FUUUUCKK)
*Driving in the car*
The 8yr. old: Awww look at the little baby mosquioto
The 6yr. old (yelling at the top of her lungs): SMASH IT, KILL IT…SMASH IT’S HEAD NOWWWWW!
Me and the 8 yr. old: blink, blink, blink…
This is just a few facebook posts of crap that happened with my kids that I thought you might enjoy:
Thought I would share a glimpse of my day. We have this “Harry Potter” under the stairs sort of room…(under the stairs). It is dark and scary and all the things you would expect from an under the stairs room, but my kids LOVE to play in it, and make a club house in it and make messes in it and you get the idea. I decided it was time to get in there and clean it up (ugh) so I open the door and there are blankets everywhere and fold up chairs and kids makeup, and the list goes on. I start picking up blankets and making my way to the back of this room which is VERY dark and long, and there is a turn that goes to another section which is also VERY dark. I make my way around the turn and look up at a pair of friggin eyes looking at me in the dark and I SCREAMED like it was death coming after me!! Well….it took me a second to realize that my kids set up a mirror in the back of this room. I basically scared the living crap out of myself….with myself!! So then you have the whole, ‘I feel really dumb right now’ moment…or two….Damn kids….I might have even peed a little. YES….I did pee…a little…or a lot!
My son runs up to me and says, “Mommy, an air balloon crashed in our yard!”
So figuring he was kidding and probably going to play some kind of prank on me…(he becomes more like his dad everyday..) I said, “Yeah right….okay what are you up to??” with some shifty eyes action going on…because I trust no one around here !!!
My son yells, “Mommmm….I’m serious, an air balloon is crashed in our yard!”
ME: Am I going to open the door and a water balloon is going to be flying at me?? *shifty eyes again!
So I go and open up my back door and there is this HUGE air balloon sitting in my yard full of people in the basket.
ME: “Hm…you were right !” as the people in the basket are staring at us…
I walked in and saw the 6yr.old “sweet little angel” that she is,… taking the dog toy and with all of her might rubbing it ALL over the 12 yr. old’s pillow and then looking around to see if anyone saw her! Now mind you that was probably pretty close to the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. I mean…it was friggin funny…because all I can picture that is going through her mind is, “This is for all the times you never let me in your room, and never play with me…” and on and on. And as I am laughing so hard I’m almost peeing it hits me….
What about all the times I have said No to her?……O.O!!
Okay…there you have it….truisms from my kids… and if that’s not entertaining enough…there is always this:
The 12 yr. old
The 6 and 8 yr. olds
The 21 yr. old