My Husband is a Whore…Part II

English: A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, m...

Annoying shit my husband does: First of all I want to say that I love this man more than chocolate! It’s true…and believe me when I say I REALLY love chocolate. He is super cute, and says all kinds of nice things to me, and buys me shit I don’t need and always looks at me like I am the only girl he sees! These are many of my favorite things about him. We have been hanging out together since around 1987. We realized back then that we basically were 2 twisted souls combined in one…so we jumped on the ride and we’re still going. Hands in the air and everything. The husband was doing some annoying shit the other day, and I told him that I was going to write a blog about all the annoying shit he does, and everybody is going to know. His response was… “Yeah..and you could call it my annoying husband who is a whore!” Apparently I say whore a lot. I looked back through my old posts and Yep….I say whore a lot. I have also realized that because I use whore a lot in my blog, you would not believe the things people type into google and other search engines that bring them straight to me. (That is for another post on another day.)

 

So…aside from being super cute, the husband has this way of also being super annoying. Like when any crisis is happening, such as one of the kids arms is falling off and blood is gushing everywhere and the kid is screaming at the top of their lungs… (no worries…we found the arm) 😉 … The husband is mister calm, cool and collected.

 

The husband: “I got this handled..no need to freak out, everything is okay! We will find so and so’s arm, it will be reattached, and all will be okay.”

 

Me: “Oh my freaking crap…my BABBBYYYY….There is blood on my babbbyyy…Do something…Oh my gosh…HELP MY BABYYYY.”

 

Yeah…that’s usually my reaction. The husband though….nah, stuff like that doesn’t even faze him. You want to know what fazes him though? A little coffee spilling on his shirt. Yeah…that sends him into a freak the frick out. He can not handle life if he accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt .. Or here’s another example…

 

The husband: “Honey…are the clothes in the dryer finished yet?”

 
ME: “I don’t know dear…why don’t you go and check?”

 
The husband: “Um..these clothes are still damp.”

 

Me: “Well…. considering we are late as fuck you are just going to have to wear damp clothes.”

 
Holy frijoles you would think the world has stopped revolving!

 
The husband the entire time we are out: “I can’t take these clothes… seriously…. the dampness is bugging me so bad. We need to just go home….these clothes are so damp”

 
Are you fricken kidding me with this? This guy is the essence of calm when one of our kids has lost an arm, or leg…but put on a slightly damp shirt and OH FUCK!!! I don’t get it! Another annoying thing my ever so sweet husband does, and has always done since I have known him. I know many people have the thing about not wanting to be late. I understand that always being late to things can be really devastating for some folks…but I am not one of those people. I have tendencies of running late. Do you realize what I have to do before I can even leave the house? The things that involve getting your hair and face presentable take some time. This perfection can not just be achieved in 2 minutes time. There are things that have to take place before I can see the public. Why do men not understand this? Beauty takes time…So GET OVER IT!! He does not understand why it takes me so long to get ready, well I can’t understand why it takes him so long to go poop. Seriously….you sit down, push some puppies into the pool, do some wiping and washing..and you’re on your way. If your going to take 45 minutes to drop a load…I’m going to take ALL the damn time I need to get ready. That’s it.

 
One of my most favorite annoying things he does…is the fake I’m asleep trick when one of the kids needs something. Okay…you were just sitting there watching boxing on t.v., as a matter of fact…you were kind of yelling at the t.v., and from the other room we here…”Mom, Dad, I need you…NOWWWWW!”…Well…obviously I am ignoring it because I don’t want to get up…but then I look over and you have conveniently fallen asleep within 3 seconds. Uh…I call bullshit!

 
We are not much for fast food joints. I’m not saying that I am against them…I just don’t frequent them much at all. On the rare occasion that we happen to pull in to a drive thru…the very last person you want driving the vehicle is my husband. Trust me on this. I don’t know what his problem with ordering into a box is, but he just cannot take it. He gets all flustered and stressed out…I see the pain in his face…and ABSOLUTELY every time he says everything wrong!! Seriously, how hard is it to order 4 cheeseburgers? He just can’t seem to do this and ends up ordering shit no one even wanted, and getting all crabby and it usually ends up with him saying, “You guys order….I can’t talk in this thing!”

 
Me : “I know the box seems scary…but all you have to do is talk in it sweetheart. It’s really quite simple.”

 
Husband : blink, blink, blink.

 

 
Another thing I really love to do is totally screw up his hair. Let me explain. My husband has no hair. And the little he does have, he shaves it off. So he basically has stubble on top of his head…and every time I mess up his hair he gets all pissy and walks off to the bathroom mumbling crap like “Why do you always have to mess up my hair?…now I have to fix it again.”

 
Well…..You don’t have any hair…so what the fuck are you fixing! You’re actually brushing the stubble and of course because he doesn’t want me to do it…I will do it….repeatedly!! I love when he gets all flustered. Now before everyone gets freaky deaky and thinks I am some horrible shrew to my husband, and how dare I call him a whore…for the record…It doesn’t bother him, so it shouldn’t bother you. I actually think he likes it when I call him a whore…*wink wink! He knows me more than anyone in this world and knows how inappropriate I am, and likes hanging out with me anyway. He can be very annoying but I am pretty damn sure I can surpass him in the annoying department. But I suppose that is what marriage is all about. Annoying the crap out of each other, but accepting it because you love this person enough to take the bad with the good. My guy is the perfect guy for me! We are like peas and carrots…or peanut butter and jelly. He can annoy the holy bejesus out of me…but he’s cute, and usually gets the right flavor of Ben and Jerry’s… so I guess I’ll keep him around.

 

A video for you! ~

Advertisements

12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cheryl Nicholl
    May 01, 2013 @ 12:25:30

    So funny. So true. Here a little crazy ass husband diddy from last night. We have recently adopted a special needs kitten. Ben has fallen IN LOVE with her- so glad she’s here. We have 2 other males who he assures me will accept her (it’s usually me doing the ‘assure’ thing). He had JUST mentioned how much he was enjoying having her when one of the older males hissed and he looked at me and said, “See what you’ve done. This is all your fault. They’re not going to get along! WTF? Then he asked me why I hadn’t grilled pork chops instead of steak because he had really wanted steak. WTF? I just let him ramble and rolled my eyes, as he bent down to pick up the kitty. It must have been a very confusing day for him at work because he was sure all f***ed-up at home. LOL

    Reply

  2. renegademama
    May 21, 2013 @ 22:30:56

    i like you, a lot. Just added you to my blog roll.

    where the hell do you live and why aren’t we hanging out yesterday?

    This is so good. I was cracking up.

    Reply

    • hdfloyd73
      May 21, 2013 @ 22:57:22

      Oh my gosh….YOU are the reason I even blog!! I have loved your blog forever and you are my inspiration!! I would so hang out with you in a second, but we need to hang out at your place because I live in the middle of Montana…so basically ” in the middle of nowhere!” ;)…and I don’t want to bring my kids because they are fun suckers. 🙂 I am one of your biggest fans. I am honored you added me to your blog roll. Thank you so much. YEAHHH!! You made my night.

      Reply

  3. victoriabruce
    Aug 02, 2013 @ 04:37:15

    Found you from Le Clown. Utter brilliance. We have cookie cutter husbands.

    Reply

  4. blowingoffsteamandmore
    Aug 02, 2013 @ 07:06:07

    Hilarious!! I think we all have those things that just drive us absolutely nuts about our spouses. However, I would like to think I am perfect in his eyes. 😉

    Reply

  5. Laura Lynn
    Aug 02, 2013 @ 13:47:30

    Such a great post! Thanks to Le Clown for putting you up so I coulf find you. I really love your style…makes me want to write about all the annoying shit that I do.

    Reply

  6. REDdog
    Apr 16, 2014 @ 17:29:59

    HAAAA! I like him…he’s fuckin’ normal. I’m over people who aren’t normal. I hate speaking into those boxes as well so if I have to order anything for anyone else I make them go inside haa! Also, if they ever say to me that they haven’t got what I want ready yet and could I park in the waiting bay I just say No thanks and clog up the drive-thru while they argue with me through the window…they hate when I do that…funny though…

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

Dadmissions

life surrounded by a wife and two girls

Cellulite Looks Better Tan

And Other Observations From My Soap Box.

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

renegade mothering

tales of a wayward mama

Dances With Fat

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size Dependent

Abby Has Issues

I have issues. So do you.

Nonsense & Shenanigans

Because who wants to make sense and behave, anyway?

Single Girl Blogging

I'm a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

The Apprehensive Vagina

Navigating a world of anxiety and sexual pain through humor and conversation.

TD421

Why aren't you at your post?

Veggiewitch

...adventures of a Crafter-Mama!

Why are you so AWESOME and I SUCK?!

I have struggled to be famous for over a decade. I have learned talent and hard-work are not key factors. This blog is dedicated to my pursuit in figuring out what it takes… to be famous.

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

Guapola

Crazy is relative. Just ask my relatives. And music!

Weird Woman Lives Past 40

My bumpy, messy, fattening, slutty, beautiful, simple life. Step into my panties...err parlour.

Crazy Good Parent

a digital community for people with mental health issues trying to be the best parents they can

%d bloggers like this: