My trip through satan’s workshop..

RMS Titanic

Why does shopping with kids suck so bad? Don’t even answer that. Everyone already knows why. It’s not like going to walmart doesn’t already suck immensely but add in taking your kids with you and you might as well call this trip what it is….Your trip through satans workshop! I have seriously thought about how one of my biggest nightmares in life is being trapped in walmart with no way out. You’re just walking and walking trying to find an exit and there is no exit. No way out…no doors, no windows…just motorized carts everywhere, butt cracks, people that don’t use deodorant and screaming kids. And you can’t get out!! You are there FOREVERRRR!! Unless you are loaded with extra cash, and can choose any store you want to shop in, and have enough money to pay for a baby sitter so you don’t have to take the kids…then shopping is a nightmare. Let’s start with just finding a place to park. What the frick is wrong with people anyway….you see a parking spot that looks pretty good, and actually has some room to get your kids out of the car, so you grab it, and 2 seconds after you pull in some asshole decides that he can’t park anywhere else but literally 2 inches from where you just parked. And of course it is the side that the kids are getting out of. Two spaces down is an open spot…but NO…he likes the one next to you when you need to get a shit load of little people out! Thanks dude!! So you finally squeeze the last kid out of the 1 inch space provided and off we go into the store of hell!

You grab a cart, but the kids want the friggin car cart. The one that looks like every kid ever has pissed, puked, and shit all over it, and now your kids want to get in it because it’s so fun pretending to be driving with the herpes steering wheel. Who the flip came up with these nasty things anyway?….Not only do the kids fight the whole damn time about who gets to drive it….but have you ever tried to turn one of those titanic boat carts? It’s impossible. Not only do you look like a complete dork pushing around a bus, but then you try and turn down an aisle and the centrifugal force that occurs from the muscle you had to use to turn starts a whole domino thing and your trying to straighten it out before it takes out the entire case of cheeseballs in a tub, but at this point it’s like the cart is now taking you for a ride because you have lost all control and that boat is going DOWN! I know..shit just got real. These carts are so friggin lame too because most of it is nasty herpes with a side of pink eye infested kid toy, and about a 1/3 of it is actual cart space provided for your crap. So the kids are fighting, you get some stuff in the cart and without fail..

“Mom, I have to pee.” Are you friggin kidding me?

“But dear…you peed 3 times before we left”..

“I’m going to pee my pants right now..I have to gooooooo”.. Yaaay,.. I love shopping!

“FINE…let’s go pee then…!”

There is no way the titanic is fitting in a stall, so I leave the cart, take ALL the kids because you can’t just leave one floating around walmart… (they say that’s bad parenting). Trust me on this though…if someone found my 6 yr.old, they would be the one running in fear. So here we go to fit all our asses into a stall. Now they have those nifty “family restrooms.” I call bullshit!!! Those things SUCK! They are always Gross! Does anybody know how to use a toilet anymore? Is this a lost art form? Why is their shit and piss on the floor, and the wall, and the sink? Why is this a thing? And why is it always so friggin wet in a public restroom? Who the hell is showering in these damn things? Finally done peeing , you make positive sure that no one else has to pee or poop at all because like hell you are going through that again. Everyone swears they don’t have to go… But you do realize that they are lying right? No.. they don’t have to go…not until you get all the way across the store to the produce will someone magically have to pee again. So your trying to get the stuff as quick as possible in the cart and get the flip out of the store. Of course everyone is fighting now, and crabby, and you can’t think for even 2 seconds, so you decide to pull off in an aisle that is not being occupied to threaten the kids lives, collect your thoughts, and figure out a plan to get through this place quickly. Listen to me about this….it does not matter what aisle you pick, you will find the most desolate aisle in the store, and as soon as you enter it, some schmo will need the very thing you are standing in front of. I swear this happens every time. Here your thinking, okay..things are out of control, I’m just going to pull off in front of the maple nut goodies and collect my thoughts because who in there right mind would ever want a maple nut goodie? Yeah…well, I can guarantee if you stop in front of the maple nut goodies, there will be a schmo that comes into that aisle, and stands there with that look like, “you and your spawn are in my way…I need the maple nut goodies!” So now you have to take your screaming kids, and your fucking titanic bus and move out of the way because your blocking the way of someones maple nut goodies! At this point I am ready to shove those maple nut goodies up someones…..You get the idea.

I’m just ready to say screw it and buy some vodka and chocolate and call it good. I know for certain if I just left the groceries and got some vodka, I would run smack dab into every person I ever knew in life! I’m sure of it! Even the doctor that birthed me, I would run into in the middle of walmart with the family size gigantor bottle of vodka and a bunch of screaming fighting kids and he would give me that look of “why did you pro create?” Every so often you get the added bonus of one of your kids puking or having a pooping accident in the middle of the store. I remember the blow out diaper that happened and basically every step my kid took plops of poop fell out onto the floor leaving what looked like a trail of bread crumbs, but that trail was NO bread crumbs. Now try and get through a store with poop falling out of your kids ass, screaming kids, and trying to push the SS Titanic, all the while hoping that people don’t see that the trail of poop is actually coming from your kid. Fun Times! The point of this story is just to say for the love of pete…DO NOT take your kids shopping. Pay the 50 dollars or even 100 if that’s what it takes for a sitter. Then you can go to walmart and wait around for the poor person that needs to pull off and go and get yourself some maple nut goodies.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Apr 18, 2013 @ 20:00:47

    You wrote the *exact* story I was gonna write a few days ago after I took my kids shopping with me and my wife at Sam’s Club. It. Was. A. Disaster. I’m sure I committed several venial sins with a couple of mortal sins thrown in for good measure. I hope I can find a Priest with a lot of time on his hands. My confession is gonna be a doozy.


    • hdfloyd73
      Apr 18, 2013 @ 21:14:35

      Fearless Leader,
      I will be waiting for that story. Sounds awesome!! How is it that these little people can cause so much havoc. I am pretty certain there is no priest that would even agree to see me at this point. 😉


  2. apleasanthouse
    Apr 19, 2013 @ 10:45:29

    I’ve written this post before. I called it Ode to Wanting To Kill Myself. In my day it was Kmart. Same hell.


  3. sean gray
    Apr 20, 2013 @ 10:40:28

    Maple nut goodies? only Walmart shoppers would go for that nasty bag of nonsense. sorry if I offended any Walmart people here. not really.


  4. nberry2
    Apr 29, 2013 @ 07:33:40

    Soooooo right. WOW.


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